Jon Stewart

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“Protect Jon Stewart! He's our most important Jew!”

~ Mort Goldman on Jon Stewart

“It's Jon Stewar”

~ Stephen Colbert on Jon Stewart
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The faux patriot snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Jon Stewart.
This is the dude who will be talking for a while. Not exactly shagworthy, but at least he's not massively corpulent.

His Holyness, Jon "The Jewish Wonder" Stewart, Prince of New York,The Green Lantern, "The Golden Jew" or simply the sarcastic Jew with the raspy voice (born Jonathan Aronwitz Davidowitz Stuart Monitz Leibowitz Jewington Schmolritz) was the world’s most popular Jew. He was more well known as the banking investor of The Daily Show and winner of the Most Secretive Jew Award 7 years running. He was most famous for controlling the banks, the media, and Hollywood. Jon was one of the only owners of an authentic "time machine" that he uses to warp back to Mel Gibson's childhood, where he proceeds to force the young Mel to watch as he brutally murders Jesus. Since parting ways with his show, Jon Stewart's nemesis has become Stephen Colbert, the King of Hungary.

Early Career[edit]

Stewart started his career as a failed stand-up comedian. Many claimed that his failure in stand-up was due to the fact that his comedy was too clever for his audience - in fact, Jon was simply not funny. His "unfunnyness" coupled with his "Jewishness" was the perfect combination for the producers at MTV who gave him his own show. They titled it "The Jonathan Aronwitz Davidowitz Stuart Monitz Leibowitz Jewington Schmolritz Show" in an attempt to "Jew-up" the network and help shed its "Moral Christian Network" image. Unfortunately, MTV's plan backfired and the show was soon cancelled. Shortly there after Jon dropped a few names and became, simply, "Jon Stewart."

The Daily Show[edit]

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart recruited Jon as host in 1999 as he was the only actor they could find actually named Jon Stewart to fill the title role. The show's main focus is "fake news," or how it's known in the United States - "news." The show's writers, in conjunction with Jon and the rest of the show's news correspondents, have been honored with Emmy awards, Peabody awards, and a painfully nagging case of genital herpes.

Unfortunately, it appears that the show may be cancelled due to its Jewiness and reported communist ties. In response to this so-called "outrage", Jon Stewart had this to say: "AHHH! The Day of the Jew has come. Fear me!" Shortly after this outburst was observed, he spontaneously combusted.

The show is completely carbon neutral: it is powered solely by Jon's huge ego.

Near conquest of Earth[edit]

Begining around 1997, Jon began with correspondent Stephen Colbert a conquest of America. He would have succeeded too, especially since Bush came into power, but lost it when Colbert murdered Steve Carrell's stand-up carrer and began a near assasination of Stewart. He then went into hiding, only to return with a new look, and had changed his name to be pronounced like "bear". When asked once about his relationship with Stewart, Colbert shot him.

Colbert went on to successfuly take over North America in 2010 and two years later, created the Colbert Union. Its first act was the hanging of Stewart, but he then escaped. He was not seen again for many months, but by then Colbert had conquered Africa and all of Asia except China, which fell in 2018.

Life as a Green Lantern[edit]

While working as a Construction worker(His life's secret passion). Jon was approached by Mike "Hal" Jordan (Earth's then present Green Lantern). Jordan Told Jon That because of his tremendous willpower, and his ability to work with Stephen Colbert He had been selected by The Guardians of The Universe to become Earth's new Green Lantern. Though reluctant at first Jon accepted, and was quickly trained in the ways of The Green Lantern Power Ring. Eventually Jon was a full Member of The Green Lantern Corps, and had many adventures. Though upon His coming back to Earth he realized that he had been replaced by Stephen Colbert as host of The Daily Show, and Kyle Rayner as Earth's primary Green Lantern. Though he eventually returned to his TV show, and has since remained an Active Lantern He has had few adventures recently. The High Points of Jon's life in recent months has been that he realized that he was the only fully Non-lame member of the Justice League of America.

Personal Life[edit]

Producing, writing, and performing on a daily basis left Jon with a pathetic excuse for a personal life. It's as if someone also circumcised his soul. Jon is also the greatest Jewish porn star since Ron Jeremy.

He was our most Precious Jew. He was apparently eaten by Mr. T and Tina Fey as a gourmet meal.

Jon Spends His Time[edit]

  • Practicing his telekenesis
  • Playing World of Warcraft online (pwning n00bs)
  • Inventing the solar-powered flashlight (almost finished)
  • Trying to fix the signal in his flux-capaciter so he can finally call down David's star to carry him home
  • Giggling in high tones
  • Reading books of poetry and prose on cool spring nights
  • Tending to his very sensitive armpits. He must use pads to keep his sweat from staining his shirts. It calls for a dampning with rubbing alcohol twice a day.
  • Listening to Demetri Martin
  • Using linux
  • Bringing sexy back for a one night stand.
  • Taking your girlfriend and never calling her again.
  • Selling prescription drugs to David Letterman.

Special Appearances[edit]

Hosted the following:

Guest on: