Jon Voight

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to navigation Jump to search


For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Jon Voight.

Jonathan Vincent Voight (born December 29, 1938) is a molested American Actor. He is also known as the molested father of the holy virgin mother Angelina Jolie. Today, millions of horny men thank him for this heavenly gift created from his divine semen, and you should too (if you're female, you should surgically turn into a man in order to thank him).


1938. In Germany, Hitler is sending jews on a vacation to Auschwitz. In Hiroshima, hobos and bozos are eagerly waiting to meet the nuclear bomb. During these events, Jon Voight is forcefully ripped out of the womb and molested by Hungarian coal miners. He is taken in custody by the authorities and sent to Catholic school, where he is molested by priests. As he is sent to Hell for his sins and molested in all eternity, he takes courses in acting from the mighty Satan, who teaches him for free. This generous guy also molests him for free.


After graduating from Hell, Voight began his acting career by playing molested cowboys and boxers. Voight was then violently molested by Dustin Hoffman, Chip Taylor, Art Garfunkel and the guy from Citizen Cane. In 1971, he married a super-hot model and was savagely molested by her, resulting in her pregnancy. Jon Voight became the father of two children, who molested him on a regular day basis. His children maintain that they express purely platonic love towards their father by brutally molesting him.

1978's Coming Home won Voight an Academy Award for Best Molested Actor. During that year, his wife left him for a better-looking man, although there is no doubt that she continued to molest him.

In the 90s, Voight played several molested bad guys, including the villain Fred Phelps in Mission: Impossible and the Enemy in The Enemy of the State. Rumour has it that the actor was molested on set.

Voight continues to be molested to this day, and has recently played some smelly old geezers. These include Pope John Paul II, who molested him as a child, and the father of Lara Croft in Tomb Raider. Lara Croft Actor Angelina Jolie actually prefers to molest chicks, but decided to make an exception in Voight's case. Voight is also known to have molested himself on at least two occasions.


In his spare time, Jon Voight enjoys fishing, golfing, Daniel Shore and getting ass-molested by Rudy Giuliani on a beautiful summer night. They were spotted together in a meadow. He also hunts down beautiful people who believe in Jesus in order to rob them of their Christian regalia so that he can fit it to his daughter, Angelina Jolie, who he gets molested by when he calls her Mary Magdalene in the bedroom of another under the radar. They love making love in heaven... this usually gets Jesus jealous enough to have sex with Voight's daughter who likes calling herself Mary Magdalene in Jesus' upstairs room too. In his spare-time he also occasionally arrange for children to be murdered so that Angelina can keep up the act as the Magdalene. Good luck if you are going to look for those children, the Voight family are notorious for cannibalism.

David Hawe[edit]

Hawe smokes weed. Loves the weed. But he did manage to give up fags for 3 days there a while ago. Drop the zero ad pick up a hero.

Fanatical Inventor[edit]

Voight is not well known in the engineering community, but he is credited with a number of various inventions, noteably - the pencil. Curiously, he also invented the screwdriver, 8 years before the screw was invented. His biggest achievement was undoubtedly his revolutionary device called the "thingy". Nine months later, it's available world wide, and known as the Angelina. Noticing that his acting career was shit from the word go, he invented various other failed prototypes, in the vain attempt of getting a bit of fame. Since his career was long-ish, he managed to invent a whole host of shit including:

  • Explosive Tea bag - Designed so that after a cup of tea is brewed, you simply hit a trigger and the bag explodes. Three died as a result of initial testing.
  • Self cleaning underwear - Designed during the early 80's, (around the time of Prince signing Purple Rain, and smacking bitches up-side the head) when genital hygiene was a serious issue. Initial testing resulted in castration of multiple males, although it did clean up everything else.
  • The Prodigy - Achieved glory in the later part of Voight's career, by complete accident. Was meant to sing songs to relax toddlers to sleep. Epic fail.
  • World Peace - Longest running invention. So far it has done nothing but fail and fail miserably. Voight is coined as saying: "I would have had more success by shitting in a suitcase, and travelling all around the world, showing said feces to all the world leaders. World Peace? I hope the gooks win"
  • The Excuse - His shite acting career needed a proper reason for being the way it is. So he invented this.
  • The hard-on - Believed to have originated about the time of the birth of Angelina (his best invention), although proved late on in the 90's that Jon was experimenting with kiddie porn about the time of this invention, and thus got inspiration.
  • Grease - Bored saturday afternoons were a thing of the past when John fell into great slumber and thought up of this one. Thanks Jon, you're awesome man.
  • Fame - Modifying his previous invention, he wanted something a bit more trashy and more exciting for home viewers. Enter Fame. This wank fest featured a shit pile of retards, dancing around just about anywhere, looking for this illustrious "FAME". Note the irony of the entire show, including the name, and the inventor - Mr. Voight.
  • The fingerprint - Finding it difficult to convince people he wasn't the person/thing hiding in the bushes behind "kid World", he went about creating a method of identifying potential sex offenders or paedophiles. He came up with the fingerprint, which was used extensively the world over since the rustling in the bushes incident. Interestingly, Jon devised a method of identifying people, and had he not overlooked the mass amounts of cum at the scene of the crime, people are convinced the culprit would have been identified. Thankfully, for police the world over, Jon Voight is a paedophile.
  • English national soccer team - Ended up winning one world cup, and singing about it for far too long. Undoubtedly an epic fail.
  • Chinese Language - Invented out of sheer boredom in between takes for his best film ever; The Carpenter, a film in which John depicted a hammer under tremendous stress. A lack of dialogue, and forced to make strange noises on set, John Invented four different variations of his new language. Take a bow Jon, Asia and Communism salutes you.
  • Bear in the Big Blue House - Needing a new angle to trap kids, Jon created this lulling kids show in the attempt of creating a "What's that thing" scenario for kids. He was blessed when the show was found that it could double up as and acid trip for adults, in conjunction with copious amounts of acid tabs.
  • Maria Carey's Boods - Whilst on a red carpet event, late in the 90's, early 00's, John ran into Mariah. Bitch talked so much shit, he wanted to shut her up permanently. Being a cunning bastard, and a suttle inventor, he suggested that she utilise prototype 198EX17. Again, his device wasn't big enough, and only increased the bitch's capability and willingness to open her mouth for all the wrong reasons.
  • The Calender - The prospect of having a birthday once a year was too great for Jon to pass over. We salute you Jon.

See also[edit]