“A wivetting womantic comedy which weally wedefined and wevolutionised Wobert Wedford's caweer”
“I wank him highly!”
“Bloody 'ell, he looks a bit like me, doesn't he?”
Jonathan Woss is a weally good film weviewer, wadio and TV show host. Weally, most people wemember him for his TV show Fwiday Night with Jonathan Woss.
He was born in a cave in 1647 to a family from the 'No R Tribe'. It is stwictly against their weligion to pwonounce 'R's, under the thweat of death (although no-one actually knows why) - callously, this known as wotacism. So a tewwified Mr Woss has spent his entire life in constant fear of making the dweaded 'R' sound, or else. When asked about this, Woss said 'It's a widiculous witual weally, a wight load of old weligious wubbish but I weally don't want to wisk wuining my life over it. It's weally scawy'
Before he became a well-known film cwitic and chat show host, Mr Woss first had a job as a wefewee at boxing matches. But this was short-lived and he was quickly forced to abandon it as evewy time he twied to announce a fight with the words 'Let's get Weady to Wumble!!', evewyone in the cwowd would fall into uncontwollable fits of hystewical laughter and the event had to be cancelled.
He then went on to become a went boy for a few years, on the instwuction of his mother. He claimed this was fulfilling a 'lifelong dweam' and hoped to 'have more cock than Bernard Matthews'. He did.
In fact it was thwough sevewal sexual favours for Michael Parkinson (his no.1 client for many years) that Jonathan finally managed to get his big bweak at the BBC in 1981. BBC actually stands for 'Bum Bandit Community' and is known for offewing lucwative contwacts to those most willing to bugger their way to the top. Evewyone at the BBC has had sex with each other at one time. However during the pwocess of being spit-woasted by David Attenborough and Lloyd Grossman, Woss somehow managed to loose any talent he ever may have had, subsiquently becoming a talentless wanker. This incident would go on and affect his pwonounciation for the rest of his god-forsaken, smegma coated caweer and further enhance his weputation as the biggest cunt on television.
The Woss/Bwand Manwell Scandal
Woss has wecently came under fire for telling Andwew Sachs, famous for his hilawious unsteweotyped impwession of a Spanish waiter, that he had dirty sanchezed and witually wogered Sachs's slut gwand daughter together with the Gwandson of Wurzel Gummidge, Wussell Bwand. In a jealous wage Sachs called 10,000 people to phone the BBC and complain about this outwageous claim. Iwonically these were the only 10,000 people left in Britain who had not had the pleasure of Bwand's overly large ego.
In 1912 he lost his (bum) virginity to Ian Hislop, and the pair have been insepawable ever since. However there were wumours going awound at the time that Jonathan was having an affair with Wicky Gervais after the pair were seen canoodling on vawious TV pwogwammes, but he angwily denied this, saying 'Wubbish. We're just weally good fwiends'. He mawwied Ian in 1939 and they have two childwen, John and John.
Jonathan is cuwwently pwegnant with a third child, who is due to be a giwl. They are also going to call her John.
He appeared with Woland Wivwon on the Last Wesort chat show. Howevew Wivwon was swiftly sacked after Jonathan accused him of making up his own name for the pwimawy purpose of making Woss look stupid. "Woland Wivwon? WOLAND FUCKING WIVWON?!?" Jonathan was quoted as saying, "What kind of wetarded widiculous kind of name is that? You can't sewiously be for weal?! Are you twying to make me look like some kind of cunt?" they then got into a fist-fight that lasted 32 days.
His favourite music genres are Wap and Wock 'n' Woll.
His favourite TV progwammes are Weady Steady Cock, Woland's Wat Wace and The Wuth Wendell Mystewies.
He has 15 homosexual slaves, all called John. He keeps them locked in his basement.
One of his homosexual slaves once embawwassed him by intewwupting a live performance 
In 1971, during a vicious turf war with the No 'S' Twibe (a bunch of people with lisps led by Toyah Wilcox), Jonathan was too much of a pansy to fight and got scared. Instead, he went and hid up Dawn French's utewus for a number of years until it was safe to come out again. Even today he still goes there for the occasional holiday.
His hobbies include kicking away blind people's walking sticks, vomitting, cutting the gwass with his teeth and wunning over old ladies.
Pawt of the twadition of Jonathan's twibe is that they must weaw garments that are completely widiculous and step dangewously close to the mark of gayness. Jonathan is no exception to this and has faithfully continued the twadition on to this day.
When questioned on his opinions of Jonathan's clothing tastes, Dale Winton was wecently quoted as saying "Oh why it's just faaaaaaab-ulous. I'd bum him silly". Indeed many high-pwofile celebwities have made no secwet of their love of Jonathan's unusual appawel, including the well-known gay porn star Terry Wogan who was notowious for getting an uncontwollable ewection whenever Jonathan interviewed him.
This became a huge embawwassment for the pwoducers at the BBC who weceived endless complaints from 100,000 identical old women with curly hair. Eventually the humiliation was too much for the station (hey, that rhymed!) and Wogan was promptly assassinated in 1952 by Ronnie Corbett.
Jonathan claims his choice of clothes are purely down to individual taste and he had no intention of looking like 'such a big gay'. But he was still flattered by the amount of male attention he was getting anyway and shows no sign of changing his ways.
OK, so this whole 'R' joke is getting a bit shit now
Later on in Jonathan's life, he was getting weally fed up with being made a figure of widicule all the time, and decided he could take it no longer. He even threatened to 'play Wussian Woulette with a fully-loaded wevolver'. W..... oh, hang on a minute.
“Look, this whole 'joke' is weally getting tiresome now. It's not funny, its just bloody childish.”
“Oh.. come on, lighten up. It's only a bit of fun”
“wuck owth.naaa! not me wucking wewth's as well!!!”