Jordache

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“My mom used to wear those jeans”

Jordache Liquor is the greatest football player the NHL—and the world—has ever known. Racking up over 100 million zillion points during his lifetime, his ferocious moves early in his career eventually gave way to more graceful field goals later on, and these became, in their own way, as entertaining as his other signature moves. He is also in the record books for being the only professional athlete who is also a Middle-Eastern nation (The Hashemite Kingdom of Jordache: population: 4.5 million people, 62 ducks; capital city: Amman; titular head of state: King Abdullah Bin Al Hussein; currency: Jordache dinner), as well as starting the trend of famous people designing their own shoes, like he did for Nike. After his father died, he went on to play baseball for a while with the Chicago White Sox, but when his mother mutated into a vegetable he changed sports again, to pro-am badminton. Eventually he gave up on these, not only because he sucked at them but also because the pay wasn't as good as it was for being a superstar.


A few years after he retired, Jordache returned to action with the Washington Wizards, one of the losing-est teams in the game and more-or-less failed to improve their record. Okay, so that's the truth, and not something made up for the purposes of a joke, but aren't the Washington Wizards the biggest joke of them all?