Jordan Rudess

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Jordan Rudess on Christmas Sky (Note: Captain Obvious thinks that Jordan's big white beard in this photo is looking suspicious)

“He has stolen my powers!”

~ Merlin on Jordan Rudess

“He's like, the walking orchestra!”

~ Mike Portnoy on Jordan Rudess

Jordan Rudess, born 1965 BC, died 100BC and then was re-born at 99BC when he realised that God didn't have keyboards in heaven. Jordan Rudess was spotted by his mother when she gave birth to him whilst he played the classical piano. At the age of 3 days Rudess entered the prestigious Juilliard School of Music. Jordan Rudess. SERIOUS BUSINESS


Career with Dream Theater[edit]

Rudess entered the Lebanese folk band Dream Theater in the years following the birth of his second keyboard: The Rudess 45600 XY/I. Rudess Plays this keyboard on every album he's ever felt like it. See: Dream Theater

Other Achivements[edit]

Jordan Rudess also has found a cure for cancer.


Equipment[edit]

Jordan Rudess trapped inside this Octavarium

Studio

  • Rudess 45600 XY/I
  • Triangle
  • Haken Contin-oom
  • Korg Oasis
  • Minimoog
  • SlightlyLargerMoog
  • MassiveMoog
  • Lap Steel Sitar
  • Metronome
  • YOU

Live

  • Kurzweil KFC9500/SXCVTHGY-67859=871+9-09X4687-353+35775
  • Triangle
  • Korg Oasis
  • Toy Cars
  • Rudess 45600 XY/I
  • Pocket Moog
  • Gameboy Colour
  • A 48-Lap Steel Sitar
  • Toaster
  • Sky Digital w/ Sports Channels
  • Coffee Maker
  • Death Star
  • Chuck Norris
  • Brute Shot

The Rudess 45600 XY/I[edit]

This keyboard contains 5760TB of memory, 512 MIDI slots, 6400 Foot pedal slots. it is also a GM (General MIDI) and XGlite enabled device with extra functions such as: Rudess Fly, PYPBYAJPTDB (Pretend You're Playing But You've Actually Just Pressed The Demo Button).

The PYPBAYJPTDB function comes from a technique developed by school boys in their music lessons, it consists of not pressing the keys and pretending to be playing some classical piece featured in the keyboard. Early examples of this were seen in the Yamaha PSR (Pretend Synth Recorder)230, where it's featured LED 'Guide Mode' could be automated, so it would look like the player was fluently playing the piece. BORG recently made the mistake of including the PYPBAYJPTDB sequence of Jordan's piece 'Ra' in one of their new workstations, the BORG Cryten XtrEME.

The power supply for this keyboard is sourced from a Boeing 737-300 commercial airliner.

Rudess Fly[edit]

The Rudess Fly function on the Rudess 45600XY/I is a round shaped button he presses with his mind whilst playing. The button unlocks new features, hidden characters and cool extras to his Game Boy Colour. This makes Rudess very excited, resulting in him being able to play at immense speeds and create awesome improvised riffs on his piano.

Time Travel[edit]

Being a man of age, and therefore wisdom, Rudess has developed a piano that he can travel time in.

“Well, my time travelling piano works in four different ways: 1. It travels time. 2. It is a piano. 3. Using protons, electrons, and neutronical configurations of the Korg Oasys I make clocks move. 4. Re-visit number one. No, infact I will, Bye!”

~ Jordan Rudess on Time Travel

Rudess uses his piano to have sex with the same woman 16 times in the same hour. It is also rumoured that he has used it to do drugs, but then travel back and not have the effects. This is apparently how Dream Theater manage to not take the effects of hard drug abuse.

This time travelling effect is also used to play in reverse-multiple-upside-down time signatures such as 3.142/86, and is utilised to trap unwary listeners in that Octavarium.

Discography[edit]

Solo[edit]

  • Cancer cause album 1
  • Christmas Sky
  • 95NYC
  • Resonance
  • Arrival
  • Departure
  • Second Arrival
  • Rhythm of Cars
  • Oscillating Motion
  • My own Head
  • Jam out!
  • Finaly a musical cure for cancer 2
  • Improvisation
  • The Road Home Again Home Again Jiggity-Jigg

With Dream Theater[edit]

  • Metropolis pt.2: Scenes from A Crappy Porn Movie
  • Sixteen Degrees of Inner Flatulence
  • Train of Phorn
  • Number of the Beasty Boys
  • 10,000 Days
  • Systematic Chaos Emeralds
  • Bloodsugarsexmagik
  • Black Niggas & Silver Babes

Other

Trivia[edit]

  • He has absolute legend.
  • He can key 512th notes with his eyes closed at 400BPM.
  • He invented the 1024th note when keying 512ths became too easy at 1600BPM
  • He hates carrots and spiders.

Sports Career[edit]

Rudess has, in total, played 300 different sports during his life. However he only appears in a team when he has played his keyboards so much the keys all fall off. Rudess's favourite sports are:

  • Cricket
  • Football
  • Jousting
  • Keyboarding
  • Mooging
  • Reading
  • Listening
  • Talking
  • Seeing
  • American Football
  • Sex (in odd meters)

Cricket[edit]

Rudess has played in 609,086 matches during his life, starting in 300 AD. He has taken a total of 710,150 wickets, scored around 1,278,456 runs, caught 386,867 catches and broken 5,096,978 windows with a result of 500,000 house fires.

Stats

  • Rudess' Average in batting is infinity
  • His top score is 679095 not out in a 16 day match on, what was, the 3rd day of the 6th Month 500 AD
  • He once took 30 wickets in a match, 25 of which were eaten. The other 5 reside in his cupboard

Jordan has a unique bowling style; upon leaving his hand, the ball mutates into a small, 5-dimensional creature which then causes the batsman's head to explode in amazement.

Football[edit]

  • Rudess has score 308,567 goals in 10 games for his club Bedsheets FC
  • He is leading scorer for the 2004/5 season in the Premiership, Championship, League One, League Two, Nationwide Conference, Nationwide Conference Division North, Nationwide Conference Division South, Ryman Premier Division and the South Chiltern Minor League for under 13 year olds. He made a total of 2 appearances.

Jousting[edit]

  • Rudess has jousted 46 celebrities to death
  • He doesn't play in an arena, instead he targets people who have never heard of Kurzweil
  • In a famous jousting match, he made his opponent's left lung explode by finding a note between B and C on his portable Kurzweil strapped around his neck. He named this note "johnny"

Rugby[edit]

"He is Known very well for writing a Symphony wile play Rugby in high heals and Eating a breakfast burrito(with extra sauce), in the middle of play a soccer game and still yet playing golf.

Quotes[edit]

"Dinner in 5 minutes eh? Guess I'll go write a Symphony or something."

"Eeh, add a continuum solo and it should be fine."

"Hey! Look at MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"No Harry, it was I who killed your parents."

"Dudulu-doo-doo-doo-WHEEE!"

"In my right hand, I have a massive organ"

"look at my massively oversized volume knob, LOOK AT IT!!!1"

Mr. T Controversy[edit]

In early 64 A.D., Jordan started a feud with fellow WWE Superstar Mr. T. The feud allegedly stated when Jordan was seen by That Guy huffing Mr. T's Kitten. When Mr. T was informed of the incident, he made a formal statement to Jordan, saying.

"Yo, sucka, I pity the foo' who tries to Huff my kitten, motherfucker! If I wasn't a nice decent man, I'd make you drink milk, you fat turkey! I pity you, I do. I do. I also pity the foo' who plays a shitty lil' keyboard instead of a manly bass guitar! Fo' this shit, I challenge you to a Hell in a Cell match at Summerslam."

It may be worthwhile to note the above match never took place.

See also:[edit]