Jos Vos

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“I once believed he could turn into a prince when kissing, I was wrong”

~ Oscar Wilde on Vos

“In Russia, Schuim vosses YOU!”

~ Stalin on Jos Vos

Origin[edit]

File:Jos Vos Uncyclo.JPG Although considered a myth, Jos Vos (from the Dutch: Jos Vos or Jox Fox) was a hideous seacreature from the 24st century who finds its nature in schuim and had a huge interest in the fields of randomness and cd-drives.

Most of the time he could be seen on land (therefore, science classifies him in the Amphibian class). His attributes range from a nuclear facility pipe in his mouth to a haircut that would instantly fracture a mirror, it is quite uncommon for amphibians to have a haircut, although Oprah had one too. Vos is capable of using verbal communication, although most of the time he has huge problems of coming to a point, let alone making words..

His current habitat is located in the West-European hemisphere but he used to live around the nuclear waste belts of Tristan da Cunha. The creature is mainly used by science to investigate the effects of climate change and foam on the beach and is kept in hidden facilities where man isn't suppose to come most of the time.

Some (see: vOS) are deployed in society as teachers, the most famous of them all is Captain Jos aka Schuimbek Vos, who was in the media lately due to an incident with the ozone layer.

Schuim[edit]

Schuim ( ITOE:Sh , from the Dutch: Schuim, (pronounced: 'Skuym') or Fume) is a chemical compound found in the Vos. The production of these chemicals is regulated by the Gorgelgland, an organ in its tongue, and triggered by the nerve system. Stress or Smelliness might cause his brain to send a pulse to this gland, causing the production of this substance. Appearing to have an acid-value of -2 [pH=-1.9] this compound is capable of eating through metal or even Poopium. Science long believed it played a role in the digesting process, but this is nonsense for some reason or another. Instead it is used as Defence Against The Dark Arts since it capable of annihilating an opponent with a simple spit in the face.

Pine fresh.gif This Jos Vos smells funny...

...and has been awarded a pine-scented air freshener.

vOS and vOScript 0.41b[edit]

In 2006 scientists managed to finish a project to map all the DNA and behavior of Jos Vos. File:Jos vos Uncyclo Two.jpg The DNA was decoded and transformed into a script because Science was determined that the Intellect and speed of Jos Vos would do a great deal for humanity. The Script (10.9kb, .executable) was implanted in a normal Jos Vos Seacreature body, along with all the original intestines and sold as a business gadget under the name 'vOS'. Its mind follows the lines of the script from that moment on but the rest of the body still operates the same as that of a drug addict a fully grown seacow.

Features:

  • The 10.9kb includes a revolutionary problem solving process, better known as the Algorithm of CD-Drives. This includes a series of handles that make Vos capable of redirecting all known problems to man to a CD-drive.
  • When the script proved useful the system kept improving and adding new features, such as making scary cough noises and a dickionary of the English language (incomplete though and combined with French.. for example the word: 'Applêh').
  • The system is totally self-sustaining and does not need electricity.
  • Jos Vos comes with a series of accessories, like the occasional USP or Universal Schuim Pipe and a flubby drive. These items may be bought separately, but can also be included into the Boxed edition of Windows Vos

File:Windows Vos.jpg


Technical difficulties: A problem that the producers just don't want to fix has to do with the Algorithm of CD-Drives. If vOS isn't capable of redirecting the problem to the drive the system might trigger a wrong label, causing him to start talking crap and producing schuim (The vOS Deadlock). Not just 1 liter though, as the producers warned for in the first place, but rather 50 or 60. And since Jos is a teacher most of the time this has proven extremely dangerous for his pupils. For example, he once vaporized a pupil with the name Niels Beumer. Therefore a script update took place on the 1st of Januaugust but it only added a backup plan if it would go wrong again; Vos would disable itself and a 10 second countdown would be initialized causing it to explode after 0 seconds because its subsystem does not support counting backwards.

An other problem appeared to be that vOS lacks the possible to access its harddrive cache through several internal busses, meaning he doesn't know anything. He inevitably starts talking about nonsense instead of the actual topic, like his daughter for example. The rumors about his daughter being an extremely hot piece of boobies has never been confirmed and are considered a hoax.

See also[edit]

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