Joseph Merrick

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Joseph Merrick.

“LOL, yeah I did drop the ball little on that one”

~ God's MSN chat on the creation of elephant man

The bizarre freak of nature, Elephant Man! This photo shows him enjoying a nice martini.

Elephant Man known affectionately as The Joseph Merrick was born in that Dickensian era. He served the sow faced crone done up to look like a turkey who sat atop our noble monarchy, and most likely had his pocket picked by Prince Albert, and his shoes shined by Jack the Ripper (who must've had quite a shock, it's enough to send a man off his trolley setting eyes on a thing like that, blimey).

I don't know the exact year he was born but does it really matter? Imagine heaving away for hours on end and all you have to show for it is some trans-species mickey take of a baby boy, Jesus Christ!! I'm sure his mother didn't think to herself "I wonder what the exact date and time was when I became asphyxiated with terror?" I expect she wants to forget about the whole episode, and I'm not going to blight her Uncyclopedia experience by bringing up dates and times into it, even if I new them. It's vulgar and that's the end of it.

The Rest of the Article in No Particular Order[edit]

Elephant Man's bones.

It was not until that he was 5 that his parents began to notice that he suffered from a bizarre physical deformity. As he grew over the years, he was constantly taunted, and the other children didn't want to play with him. Luckily, in some year or another, he met Anthony Hopkins, who decided to help him, hiding his true agenda of eating his liver with some fava beans. The elephant man spent his later years as a circus sideshow, until he died from an infected mosquito bite last year. Recently, Michael Jackson purchased his bones, and used his tusks to make his prized piano. The price of the body was staggering, and Jackson reportedly had to sell the Beatles songs "A Day in the Life of Brian" and "Help!" just to afford the down payment. In 1940, a feature film called Dumbo was released, that chronicled the Elephant Man's life and hardships before he met Hannibal

Update: Apparently, after their recent divorce, Macaulay Culkin sued Michael Jackson for the rest of Mr. Merrick's bones, and now uses them to cuddle up with at night.

Many people believe that the elephant man was actually a cross breed of man and elephant genetically engineered by Mr. T but the truth is that the elephant man is actually a mind flayer who overindulged himself on the brains of Al Gore' children and the collective juices of these supermen caused the Elephant man's head to swell to the size of a grand piano.

Close encounters with the Elephant Man[edit]

During the Civil war in America, the South Americans claimed to have seen an elephant man from HELL! Of course that was just a drunk South American soldier, but to this day South American soldiers still believe that there was a Elephant Man whose soul goal in life was to eat their Brains. And to this day those soldiers protect their houses with ancient Chinese heirlooms.

“The Elephant man is coming!”

~ a soldier from the civil war

Many people, during the Civil War have disappeared suddenly and then turn up, disillusioned with soiled pants, in weird places (like in John F. Kennedy's toilet) and claim to have seen the mysterious 'Elephant Man'. Because of this the North and the South American forces joined together to destroy this evil 'Elephant Man'. It was a long and tough campaign which, in the end, amounted to nothing.