Joy Luck Club

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“And the Lord presented him with the Joy Luck Club and the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...”

~ Brother Maynard on Joy Luck Club

The Joy Luck Club is a mythical weapon rumoured to have been forged at the time of around 500AD, in the company of the great weaponsmith Fook Yoo. It's powers are reputed to be manifold, but it is most famous for its cheese flavoured snacks.


Origins[edit]

The Joy Luck Club existed far into the depths of time, so deep that it required the use of Rapunzel's hair to pull out. It's depth was rumoured to exceed even Yoda's wisdom, although that is merely a conjecture made by foolish, ignorant mortals. In the time of Arthurian England, the club was also known as Excalibur. The only thing sharper than The Joy Luck Club at that time was a droll badger's wit, who was subsequently killed by his dead wife's husband. This left the Joy Luck Club at the top of the hill, where mistaken for Jill, it was pushed down after Jack, to the derision of foxes and poodles.

Good times.


Hercules using The Joy Luck Club to kill a defenseless hydra. Whatafag.

Hercules using The Joy Luck Club to beat the fucking shit out of a defenseless hydra. This is only the first of many such murders involving Excalibur. He later pleads "insanity" to assault and (alkaline) battery. Whatafag.

Plot of the Novl[edit]

A bunch of old asian ladies are disgruntled because they think America sucks. They proceed to have abortions, kill babies, kill white babies, and eat a lot of shit.

Their daughters all have fucked up relationships with white guys, who are obviously evil. Most of the daughters are stuck-up bitches, too.

Waverly Jong isn't actually a chess prodigy.

Everybody commits suicide. (or at least, they should).

Notable Characters: Ding-Ding St. Claire, Waverly Jong, Yao Ming, Yoko Ono.

Modern History[edit]

The Joy Luck Club has appeared once again in modern times as a weapon used for the subversion of translucent and semi-formed minds. The remaining splinters of Excalibur were ground, mixed with two eggs and a pinch of salt, and plunged into a vat of wood pulp for preparation into reading material. The literature printed on it is merely rhetoric. Most notably, The Joy Luck Club has infiltrated the reading lists of every school in your local area, which means that through them, Big Brother is watching. Studies have proven that repeated exposure to The Joy Luck Club produces feelings of paranoia and cultural disembowelment, which is akin to placing a mole in the microwave. The only reason that scientists have been able to come up with in order to explain this phenomenon is the magical aura of the Joy Luck Club, now commonly known as Cocaine. Pirates, ARRRR!!, have nothing to do with it.

In response to the above findings, the Society for the Preservation of American Cocaine Experiences, Dude (SPACED) released a statement completely unrelated to the question. It has yet to be seen whether this has any geopolitical consequences, or if this is simply a pretext for invading Iran.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Joy Luck Club.

Future History[edit]

It is predicted that the historical future of the past, notwithstanding the present, merits the reverence and respect of the past future as well as the presently past. The future past is not only the present, but also presently the future. Insofar as the previous remarks go, the past, futurely present and consequentially before have created a subspatial interference in the Void, which is part of the Cheese-Time Continuum. Let us not go there.

Anyway, later on, we will have cool Jedi Joy Luck Clubs.

The Future of Joy Luck Club Weaponry. Booyah! (Copyright SunderX Weapons Co.)

See? I told you.