That's me! Jr.! I'm Hardcore!
|Date of birth:||May 14, 4627|
|Birth location:||A farm in Kentuckistan|
|Date of death:||Never|
|Notable role(s):||Jr. in "Xenosaga"
Jr. in "Jr.!: The Game!" Jr. in "Jr.!: The Game 2!: The Detective Game!" Jr. in "Jr.!: The Show!"
|Academy Awards:||Best Actor Ever|
|Spouse:||(Alleged) MOMO <3|
“Jr., you should be nicer to your fellow man.”
“Shut up Brown Kid! You smell funny, 'cause you're from a foreign country!”
My name's Jr. and I'm writing the article about me! I'm only writing this because there are no articles about me yet! Why is that? Do you all suck or something? Since when are "kitten huffing" and "Oscar Wilde" more important than me!? You people need to die, or at least try something similar! Oh well... You should consider yourselves lucky, because now you get an article about me! Written by me! Is that great or what?
Oooooooh... Writing is too hard! Okay, I'm gonna make my gay friend write this instead, because gay people live for this kind of thing. Just like foreigners! I'm pretty sure that his name is Allen Woglinde. I'm also pretty sure that I don't care what his name is. I made him do it with the promise that I'd show him some pictures I took of Shion in the shower. So if it's not as hip and enjoyable as when I'm talking, feel free to send hatemail toward "[email protected]".
Jr. was born in 4627 A.D. on a small farm in Kentuckistan. He was later rescued from an uneventful life of harvesting crops by the Kukai Foundation who turned him into a URTV (Which means Ultra Really Tight...Violin!). After being saved, Jr. demonstrated his gratitude by seizing control of the foundation and changing it into a charity organization dedicated to granting financial aid to people named Jr. who like to use Russian handguns that never need reloading. Someday Jr. hopes to win a Nobel Peace Prize for his charitable efforts.
At an early age, he was enthralled by guns when his brother Nigredo, who has a funny name, gave him a small calibur pistol at age 3 and told him to go play by himself for a couple hours so Nigredo could go do "Important stuff".
After "shooting dead" three birds and the neighbor's cat, Rubedo learned to love the power (and ignored the responsibility) that comes with bringing death. After that, Junior started to love theater, though he has never forgotten his love of guns. Can I leave now, Jr.?
NO! You have to write this! You have to write this because you corrected me when I said that Africa was an Australian Nation... Which it is!
Jr.'s Favorite Words
Albedo, Damn, Guns, MOMO, brown, kid, bang (followed closely by bang again), Boom, die, and apple cider.
Should this section really be in here, Jr.? It feels so unnecessary.
Shut up, person! This article is about me! So it needs a list of my favorite words! That makes it okay! You know what? Screw you. From now on, I'm writing this article!
Jr.'s Kickass Acting Roles
- Xenosaga Episode I (2003)
Ah yes! I remember this piece of art! This was my first appearance where I coined such classic phrases like "Albedo, you son of a..."(then I ate a bug ;_; ) and "Albedo, you mother-!"(Then I swallowed another bug... I hate bugs >:( ).
- Xenosaga Episode I Reloaded (2004)
This version had a few new cutscenes, including one where I actually reload my guns! (That's why it's called "Reloaded". Because I'm that important.)
- Xenosaga: The Animation (2004)
I didn't have as much fun doing this project. It was the same thing again, only animated so I didn't actually get to shoot things. This made me mad >:( That's why I shot the voice actress for KOS-MOS! I was mad, so I shot her... That makes it okay! She eventually recovered... ;_;
- Xenosaga Episode II (2005)
This one was all about me, baby! You get to know all about my hunny bunny, MOMO... I mean... Dammit! What was her name again? Not important! What's cool is in this one I totally fight my brother again and I get to yell at people and shoot stuff! I also get to wear a pirate coat, which means I'm cool!
- Xenosaga Episode III (2006)
This one is the where me and MOMO get to hold arms and touch and talk and stuff!! Because of all that hot physical contact with MOMO, several scenes had to be re-shot because of the massive erections I had during shooting. Also, I get to run up to people, kick them, and shoot them ALL AT THE SAME TIME!!
- Xenosaga Freaks (Whenever)
In this one, I got to get all FREAKy on MOMO and Shion!! It was rated "O Yeah"! (Japan Only) In reality, this game wasn't very interactive. It's like the developers thought the gamers would be doing something else with both hands... But what could that have been?
- Xenosaga Episode I and II (DS) (2006)
Man, Namco sure liked to make me do the same thing over and over. Who do they think they are, Square-Enix?
- Jr!: The Game! (Q4 2007)
<For Atari Jaguar, N64, MAC, NES, GameBoy Colour, and Windows 98>
“IF crappy anime games that rip off your favorite non-anime games are your thing, then Jr.!: The Game! will be right up your alley!”
“See?! They said it's right up your alley! Go buy it!”
Simply put, it's the best thing ever!! It's set to come out holiday season 2007 and it's for only the latest, most promising new game systems.
Jr!: The Game! was revealed at E3 2007, where it received some moderate attention and slight groans. People said it looks and plays just like Resident Evil 4, but it has me in it! That makes it different. Gameplay coinsists of shooting people, choosing the right one-liner, and shooting more people! :D
- Jr!: The Game 2!: The Detective Game! (Don't hold your breath on this one)
“Just when you thought that the adventure game genre couldn't be more screwed than it already is, Jr. Interactive Studios rises to the challenge to lower your expectations yet again.”
“See?! They said my studio rose to the challenge! Buy my game!!”
“This game is the best game ever. It has guns, cussing, and dual-wielding. Dual-wielding was of course invented by Halo, which is also the best game ever.”
This time, I am a detective with a .44 magnum. I shoot everybody until there are no suspects left! That means I win! <(^.^)>
This game was also unveiled at E3 2007, but will not be released for some time due to pending lawsuits by Cing for flagrant copyright violations. They claim that the game is an exact code-for-code re-release of Hotel Dusk except with guns in it and with Kyle Hyde's name changed to Jr. It's a coincidence, I tell you!
Once I win the lawsuit, this game will be released for the N-Gage, which I feel holds great promise.
- Jr!: The Show! (2008)
<3 An action-sitcom coming next year to SpikeTV with me in it! It combines the action of "Dolemite" with the humor of "Yes, Dear". Just like all the other shows on SpikeTV, this show will feature only the most high-brow humor and well-thought-out plot lines. It comes on right before Stripperella and right after The Naked Women Show!
... This is boring. I'm gonna let Allen finish this using the guidelines I left him.
Awards Jr. has Won
In 2007, Jr. won an award for "Best Guy With Guns Ever" in the first annual Jr. Awards, hosted by Jr. He also won awards for "Best Girl With Guns"(due to a typo, but I won't give it back anyway... It's mine and I won it!!), "Best User of Guns", "Coolest Guy Ever", and "Most Likely to Succeed With Guns". Allen won the "Most Likely to Suck and Fall In a Ditch" Award.
“Merry Frickin' Christmas, Allen!”
Jr.'s Writing Career
“I knew I had a talent for the craft when I worte my first history paper about World War II... I think it was World War II, at least... Was World War II the one where we fought the huns? I guess it doesn't matter... People who aren't American all look the same, anyway. Oh well, long story short, I got a D+.”
He has penned five novels, all of them murder mysteries. According to Jr., the novels are autobiographical in nature, he even goes so far as to name the character Junior, but this claim is entirely baseless; anybody who knows Jr. also knows that there is no way in hell that this is true. He was recently interviewed about his novels by Chris Matthews.
Chris: So, Jr., these books are selling pretty good. What are they about? Jr.: Well, Chris, they're about a detective named Junior who has to solve near-unsolveable murders using clues and witnesses and guns! Chris: The detective's name is Jr. too? Are these books about you or something? Jr.: NO!!! I'm "Jr". The detective's name is "Junior". There's a difference, because I said so! You shut up! You shut up right now! Chris: So this "Junior" isn't involved with you in any way? Jr.: Well, they [the novels] are based on my exciting life, so I guess you could say they're true stories! Chris: Even the part where "junior" sets an airplane on fire using a cosmetic mirror? Jr.: ... Ummm... Yes?
Jr. stated earlier this year that he had another novel planned but abandoned the project shortly after making a bizarre public statement from the Penguin Books Headquarters.
“Say, just out of curiosity has anybody here ever read an Agatha Christie book?”
He has not yet released word on any future projects.
Jr. is not only known for his... "dubious"... lifetime accomplishments, but also for his somewhat fractured relation with his family. He once had around 668 siblings but killed all but three of them "because he felt like it". Unfortunately, the three he decided to let live were also the three whose goals in life were to kill him. He probably should have considered that when he decided to let them live for the sole reason of "them not looking like members of the Hitler Youth".
Jr. also was reported to have a father named Dr. Dimitri Yuriev who was said by Jr. to be a "tremendous douche". Yuriev is well-known not only for his contributions to the field of science, but also for his curious accomplishment of impregnating his wife 669 times in a row at about the same time, and then feasting on her corpse shortly after the incredibly painful birth. For more on Dimitri Yuriev, see "One Out of Ten Doctors".
Jr.'s sister, whose porn star name is "Citrine", hasn't spoken to Jr. in several years due to a comment at thanksgiving dinner where she commented on how she thought Ann Coulter was beautiful and that she wished she could look like her. Jr., taken aback, responded by telling Citrine that "she needed to jump off a bridge into a lava pit filled with lava-proof spiders and then die" for even suggesting such a thing.
Jr.'s brother, whose porn star name is "Nigredo", is the only one who still spends any time around Jr. Due to the absence of a father figure, Nigredo, who is himself younger than Jr., has taken it upon himself to teach Jr. solid midwestern family values and deliver homespun life lessons. Jr. resents him for trying to teach him that killing people because he feels like it is wrong, even though there is nothing more midwestern than serial killing. Nigredo has yet to tell Jr. that he has a second personality, that of his father, Dr. Yuriev. I smell a sitcom!
Jr.'s other brother, whose porn star name is "Albedo", is technically Jr.'s identical twin, even though Albedo is taller, older-looking, has different colored hair, and is mentally unstable. Jr. hates Albedo for the same reason he hates everybody else: because he's different from him. While Jr. loves America because its second amendment lets him use guns whenever the hell he wants, Albedo loves Japan, because Japan's twelfth amendment lets him rape little girls. Jr. swears that pedophilia does not run in the family, even while he continues to romantically persue a 10-year-old.
- which is pronounced the exact same way as "Jr." but with a different spelling.
- My article, my world! Go cry about it! --Jr.
- That's different! Shut up!