Juche is a political theory and official ideology of North Korea. It is a little known fact that it is named after an indulgent pudding which Kim Il Sung enjoyed as a very young despot. The meal itself was based on an unholy union of bananas and the ground bones of starving Korean peasant girls. In remembrance and honour of a simple, happy childhood Kim immortalised the name in his dogma. Very rare archive audio footage documents a conversation between Kim Il Sung and his son about the dessert. Here follows a transcript:
Kim Il Sung: Which great workers' liberational dish would you like for pudding, son?
Kim Jong Il: Juche, please, beloved father, and great proletarian leader.
The stated aims of Juche, or 'Here Come The Big Five, Daddio', are outlined in Kim Jong Il's primary school essay, 'What I would like to do when I grow up':
1. Free starvation for every citizen.
2. Glorification of anything fluffy.
3. Execution of anybody over 4'5".
4. A great proletarian rather comfy absolutely not capitalist squashy pleasure happydrome palace for me. Do you hear? ME!
5. All pillows will be hypo-allergenic.
Criticisms of Juche
Some quite annoying inconvenient arrogant poo poo heads from the west have disagreed with Juche. Why they do this is beyond me. They say that there is too much emphasis on the fluffy things, that squashyness is futile, etc. Say it to Kim's face damn it! You might need to bend down.
If you hear anyone saying anything bad about our Dear Teddy-Bear Leader or his ideology, either shoot them on sight, or run away, hands over ears, shouting, "Lalalalalalalalala! Not listening!"
If the North Korean media is to be believed (which it is; NEVER QUESTION OUR LEADER!) all five points in the Juche Programme have been achieved, and all within twenty-seven minutes of Kim Jong Il taking power. Jolly good show, comrade!
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