Julian was born as an albino refugee in 1826. He was unfortunately born without eyeballs, so the doctor found the nearest cockrel and embedded its eyes into his face, hence the nickname; "Small eyes". He was forced to emigrate from Russia 300 years later at the ripe old age of 12. He was forced to leave under the communist oppression, the party who agreed to share poverty throughout the country, and didn't look too kindly on chid coffee venders who liked to dip their armpit hair into the beverage. Also the communists didn't like midgets who were poor. He then travelled the world, serving the revolting beverage, where he was loved most by France and the United States.
A Hero's Story
5 years later he arrived in England in 1989, where he wasn't as successful. There were some who enjoyed the drink, but some thought he was a bit too clever when he started to chew on spanners. The worthy public would say "See here young man, what thou with that marvellous brain are doing serving coffee."
And Julian thought 'Maybe I could do show business'. He soon met up with millionaire, Noel Fielding, who so happened to take him under his wing and teach him the wisdom of the comedy actor. After several music montages on training to be a comedy actor and a few cups of armpit coffee, he was witty enough to make the series "The Mighty Boosh" as a comedy duo. The show was a hit, but unfortunately only 2 people other than the people depicted on the credits at the end of the show knew about it, but it was still well received.
Little Julian was a music and comedy genius, but decided to throw it all away and join the army. 5 minutes after completing basic training, Julian was captured by the evil alien race, "The Covenant" who decided to infect him with a angry monkey blood sample thingy, very similar to the film "28 days later". They dropped him off back on earth, and he ran the streets, spreading the infection by a bite to the back of the knee. Soon everyone had the infection, and for a couple of days Britain was in madness, but the infected started to work together as a society and built a world much more superior to the current world. Julian became a well loved king and stayed that way forever more.
2 weeks later, the infected all died from starvation, because in their cold, angry haste, they kept on burning toast for breakfast, and didn't really like cereal.