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“Keep a Chicken Alive”

~ Alicia Keys on KFCtv

KFCtv is the brainchild of Rupert Murdoc and the obese ghost of Colonel Sanders. The premise of KFCtv is to force-fry chicken, an intense process involving a yak, lubrication, and industrial sheet metal, and subliminal propaganda in the name of Gravy. They were under siege during the brainstorm session as partisans of the Hardee's Union were suicide-milking the building.


Deep in the underground bunker of Rupert Murdoc during sacrificial rituals performed using a guitar and bucket of the colonel's chicken, the obese ghost of Colonel Sanders came to proclaim the idea of KFCtv. Murdoc listened but spaced out and so to make up for the loss of information just added several hardcore shows to make up for the holy words of the prophet, which suited the viewers just as well. Upon the speaking of the prophecy, hidden microphones planted by the extremists of the Hardee's Union picked up the holy words and proceeded with Operation ThunderFlavor. Operation ThunderFlavor involved the suicide-milking of the building in which the soldiers of the Hardee's Union milked the udders of cows with time bombs strapped to their chests until they were sent into Union Station, the Hardee's version of heaven. Upon their arrival to Union Station the extremists were given 95 Thickburgers and all was well, though they would have to spend the rest of eternity milking cows to produce swiss cheese for no apparent reason.

Prime Time Shows[edit]

  • The Preyer show, where Sanders proceeds to puncture and tenderize chicken by using sleep inducing gases and a sharp cheddar cheese blend laced with cyanide and covered in melted razor blades for the perfect euthansia spectator experience. Comes with your choice of sides: Grilled Vegeterians, Mashed Tomatoes, Baked potato, or sour cream and seapeople.
  • Everybody loves Sanders, a loveable sitcom involving Sanders and family. Sanders is an out of work car mechanic that gets abducted by chicken-intolerant aliens. He proceeds to destroy the alien threat using his secret spices and the occasional monkey wrench, all while keeping earth well-fed and juggling his sex life. Comes with an order of subliminal advertising.
  • Church of the Chicken, a religious show in which Sanders proceeds to spread the holy gospel about Gravy. Comes with a side-order of brainwashing.
  • Secret recipe of KFC chicken-- CANCELLED as of Augustus 69th, 2012. Used to be served with a side order of bubble wrap
  • Bad Burger, Colonel Sanders proceeds to defame and chuck rotten tomatoes at other eating establishments. KFCtv's #1 show from 1860-1865, 1914-1918, 1939-1945, and 1959 to 1975. It briefly spiked during the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Ratings were through the roof in the USSR when the country invaded Afghanistan in 1979.
  • The Legend of Helga, A KFC experiment designed to create the world's most obese bitch. She goes on adventures through the lands of Hyrule to obtain more greasy KFC Thunderbuckets. Served with a bucket of ky jelly.

Daytime Soaps[edit]

  • Soap Carving for the Slutty Housewife, where Colonel Sanders proceeds to force sex from America's horny mother until she gets randy enough for Sanders to shove an intricate soap figurine into her anus and call her Charlie in the process. Then when George III gets home they get into a homoerotic fistfight involving a yak, lubrication, and industrial pancake sauce. Served with a side order of magic mushrooms.
  • Daytime at the Artemis, local artists fall in fall with extra slutty housewives resulting in 14 pregnancies per square mile.

Night Owl Programming[edit]

  • Hardcore Robot Prawn, with genetically engineered Robotic crustaceans with 18 inches of man-steel. They proceed in gladiatorial combat until one emerges as sexual victor of their floating hell.
  • Cuba's Favorite Son, Cuba Gooding Jr. proceeds to steal Michael Jordan's underwear and surprise random pedestrians with triple whopper stackers with cheese and extra union

Future Programming[edit]