Kaiser Wilhelm II
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Someone pitied this article. Unlike you they gave a damn and got their finger out to help it. Return later when they're done being a good writer.
“I'll finish the job!.”
“How about that Kaiser, eh? I'd like to put him on a roll.”
“That Kaiser is one mad bastard.”
Wilhelm II (German: Prinzen Friedrich Wilhelm Viktor Albrechten von Preußen; English: Prince(n) Fredrick Wilhelm Victor Albert(en) of Prussia(en)) Was the last Kaiser of Germany and Prussia and winner of the Nobel Peace Prize 1914. He is best remembered by his love of France and the Nobel Peace Prize he won on the same year he started World War I, to which the Nobel Prize Commitee replied:
Wilhelm II's father, Prince Friedrich Wilhelm Nikolaus Karl Gustavus (AKA Flirtz because of his "charisma") happened to be a prince in the German Royal Family. Before Wilhelm II was born, Flirtz would ofter attract lesbians by wearing a skirt (a tradition which he passed on to his son), posing as a woman, until he got her in bed where he revealed he had a penis. During one of his bouts, however, he accidentally got Queen Victoria's daughter pregnant, thus lil' Willy was born. Not knowing what else to do, they got married.
Kaiser Friedrich Wilhelm Viktor Albrecht was born on January 27, 1859 to his father and his mother. Due to coming out the wrong way, his left hand was deformed. He was suprisingly open about his deformity, letting everyone who wanted to see it see it, and he even demanded that all pictures of him show his withered left hand; however it always turned out hidden for some reason. In Wilhelm's words:
|The camera hates me. Or is it me?|
Also during his childhood, his father taught him the manly art of wearing skirts, a tradition still practiced by some in Germany to this day. Wilhelm hated the skirts, though, because he was not a transvestite like his daddy. When he was 6, he was tutored by a 39 year-old man named Georg "Orgy" Hinzpeter. It was reported that Georg never praised WIlhelm for his efforts, except when he really pleasured him. Despite (or possibly because of) the trauma he faced as a child, he
would grow up to be an ambitious, belligerent, and mildly crazy leader of German Empire. But not yet! You're still in the Early Life section, silly.
As a teenager, WIlhelm was given a mediocre education at Kassel in the University of Bonn. His teachers said that he was gifted with intelligence, but he had quite a "cantankerous temper." 90000 million bottles of vodka, beer, and ginger ale were found later that day in the teachers' lounge. Wilhelm was quite interested in the science and technology of the day, so he studied that. He was also accused of Megalomania in 1892 and again in 1894 by Ludwig Quidde.
Very few know that Kaiser Wilhelm II was a very prominent inventor in Germany. Among his inventions was the Kaiser roll, a breadstuff so hard, you'd think it was something The Rock was cooking and the famous German toilet seat. Another invention of Wilhelm was The Wilhelm Scream, an emo band. It is well-documented that Emo music started in Germany. He liked to fiddle with poop. In fact, it is rumored that he once lit his own feces in fire!
A very prolific fighter of wars, Wilhelm II not only encouraged Count Chocula to assassinate the archduke Franz Ferdinand to start World War I, but he also posed as the long lost Guinea Pig King of Peru to start the War of the Pacific with Chile. After losing that, Wilhelm had to disguise himself as a strangely attractive black woman to win passage back to Germany and apologize to his father for insulting Guinea Pigs with his lousy portrayal.
His next great conquest was starting the Boar War in 1882 with the voracious Duchy of Boar, inhabited by nothing but millions of sentient wild boar. The war was so successful that Germany was completely self-sufficient in boar meat for the next 300 years. Wilhelm was thought to have killed 100,000,000 boar by simply farting in their general direction after eating ten jars of sauerkraut.
He befriended the previously dead pervert,Count Chocula in 1911 and was taken in by the Count's chocolaty advances. While they were homosexual lovers, they plotted their designs on Europe to force everyone to eat Count Chocula's eponymous breakfast cereal. After Count Chocula killed Franz Ferdinand by biting his head off, an event which started World War I, Wilhelm realized the insanity of his ways and locked himself in his sister's basement hoping to avoid public ridicule. His plans did not succeed as Germany lost and Georges Clemenceau pantsed Wilhelm in front of the entire population of Berlin where everyone could see that instead of having a penis, Wilhelm had a turnip as his genitalia.