Kalamazoo

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Kalamazoo, Michigan, does not actually exist. The government, knowing they didn't have enough cracked up sounding towns with all their "Springfields" and "(insert name) Heights", invented this one just for those living in bigger cities to laugh about. Also, even if it were in existance, it would not have a zoo. Does Los Angeles have angels? (no, but it does have many drug busts and anorexics). Is New York new? (again, negative, but you can get raped and shot). Is New Mexico in Mexico? (no because people coming from New Mexico don't have to quickly run across a border while being shot at). Hence, Kalamazoo does not have a zoo.

Yet, long ago in 1033, a place called Kala-meth-zoo was established by the Marijuanians (the people who invented... ok this one's self explanatory) who wanted to broaden their basis of life, and so experimented with their plants (in the area that is now Michigan) to form Meth. And until 1670, Meth labs were infamous in the downtown of this establishment. However, one evening, all the druggies simultaneously began smoking and Kala-meth-zoo combusted in a ball of smoke, cooked white people, fire, and hallucinogens. Yet, this story is proclaimed a myth, as those left to tell it were too drugged up to give an accurate account. Historians even left out of books the rainbows and happy spinning circles supposedly seen by these witnesses.

What to Do if Somebody Tells You They are from Kalamazoo[edit]

So, if you ask somebody, and they tell you they are from Kalamazoo, simply laugh out loud in their face, and wonder why, out of all the places you could lie about and say you're from, the idiot would pick Midwest Michigan, land of the cows, Dutch farmers, and people who love Wal-Mart (however, they could be an descendent of a Marijuanian, and therefore it's not their fault they're crazy, as it's literally in their blood).

Kalamazoo's Jazz Connection[edit]

According to rumors, All-American band leader Glenn Miller has a gal in Kalazmazoo. Upon questioning, Mr. Miller had the following to say about what this girl is like:

“Don't wanna boast, but I know she's the toast of Kalamazoo-zoo-zoo-zoo-zoo.”

~ Glenn Miller on his gal in Kalamazoo.

Miller was then rushed away to the hospital by paramedics, where he was diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome. He has since been admitted to the Third Floor of the hosptial, where he spends his time jamming with all of Jazz's greats, such as "Satchmo" Armstrong, "Dizzy" Gillepsie, and his good friend, Mr. "Singin'" Benny Goodman.

Kalamazoo's country music connection[edit]

“If that cat could talk, what a tale he'd tell / 'Bout Della and the dealer and the dog as well / But the cat was cool and he never said a mumbling word”

~ Hoyt Axton on Kalamazoo

Hoyt Axton also, according to legend, was connected to Kalamazoo in some way. He was friends with a dealer named Della. Della had a dog named Jake and a cat named Kalamazoo, who according to legend, was mayor of Kalamazoo for for at least a week.