KannOno Warmachine

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Bow before the greatness of the KannOno!

The KannOno Warmachine is a robot sent from the future to destroy the past, and rescue the woman she loves. Though KannOno has fulfilled neither of these tasks, the warmachine has engaged in numerous battles, and is still undefeated to date.

History[edit]

The KannOno Warmachine was created by Wiley Research & Development in 2010, indepentant of the group's Time Travel Division. The machine was constructed using bicarbonate polyploy titanium framing metal, various knobs, buttons, faders and switches, and the conjoined heads of Yokos Kanno and Ono. Funding for the project was projected at $1.8 Billion in the Spring of 2000; by 2005, construction costs had exceeded $2.4 Billion. Finally building cost: $4.1 Billion. The financial mishandling forced WR&D to withdraw charity funds generally allotted to homeless shelters. The backlash of this withdrawal led to highly televised riots in the small farming community of Watts, CA.

The KannOno was originally designed for battle against the notorious Gambino Family crime boss Joey "Mega" Manini. The original concept sketches did not include the heads of Ono and Kanno, but rather those of actor James Caan and underground rapper Oh No. After a number of shake-ups in middle management, Ono and Kanno were decided upon (which was a benefit to the company, as the two women had already surgically fused their heads together in the year prior).

The Science and Specs[edit]

Kann2.jpg

The power of the KannOno lies in its Polar Opposition Charging Mechanism. This phenomenon is best explained through this scene from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle:

Kumar: How were Katie Holmes tits?
Goldstein: You know the Holocaust?
Kumar: Yeah?
Goldstein: Picture the exact opposite of that!

In scientific terms, the diametric opposition of the Holocaust to Katie Holmes' tits would be a possible catalyst for POCharge. However, as Katie Holmes' tits and the Holocaust are unable to occur simultaneously, this charge is only theoretical and cannot be quantified. This is not the case in the KannOno.

The KannOno combines another high-magnitude opposition between good and evil: the moving, powerful, passionate scoring of Kanno, and the oral kitten-slaughter perfected by Ono. The discovery of this charge enticed the women to fuse their heads together, in order to harness their respective polar energies. Their operation gained the attention of Wiley, and soon the women were freed of their Earthly bodies and mounted upon 20 tons of cold, ass kickin' steel.

Specs
*Ion laser cannon
*Infrared mobile tracking
*Stealth mode
*Safe mode
*Kool mode-E
*Two-way wrist communicator
*Folgers Crystals
*Onstar
*The Midas Touch
*Quickbooks Pro
*Plasma LCD display
*Ingredient X
*Head of Yoko Kanno
*Head of Yoko Ono

Former Opponents[edit]

  • Gamera - Defeated. Hurled back into space from whence he came.
  • Superman - Defeated. Forced to do commercials with Jerry Seinfeld to make ends meet.
  • Pat Morita - Defeated. Dead.
  • Iron Maiden - Defeated. It wasn't Sharon Osborne turning those mics off, folks...
  • Dr. Who - Defeated. I've never even seen the show actually I just know he looks like an idiot and probably deserved death at the hands of the KannOno Warmachine.
  • Fidel Castro - Defeated, but not for another 2 years or so.

Bob Ross is the only known mortal to survive a bout with KannOno. After 12 vigorous hours of all-out technicolor chaos and unbridled happy tree destruction, the two (technically three) nodded to one another, then calmly, quietly walked off in separate directions. Ross died soon after due to an unrelated addiction to alcohol.

See Also[edit]