Kansas City, Missouri

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Kansas City at night.

Kansas City is the Administrative capital city of The Holy Federation Of Missouri. It is located in the exact middle of the North American continent and it covers parts of Jackson County, Clay County, Cass County, Lafayette County, Johnson County, Bates County, Clinton County, Caldwell County, Ray County, Dekalb County, Andrew County, Henry County, Benton County, Carroll County, Davies County, Perco Set County, Poplar County, Mannix County, Count County, and Purplesaurus Rex County. The metropolitan area also extends into several counties within the US state of Kansas. Not surprisingly, the city is noted for its compact, sprawl-free form.

Although Kansas City is the largest city in Jackson County, the city of Meth Dependence, Missouri is the seat of the corrupt and violent county government.

Situated at the confluence of the Missouri and Kansas rivers, Kansas City's true origins are not known. It is widely believed that the initial city spontaneously coagulated out of river slag and sewage which had drifted down from Omaha, where it was discovered in 1821 and harvested by French scat trader François Shiteau. Other traders and westward-bound persons (such as John McCoy) began settling in the area despite the smell, and soon the Town of Kansas came to be. Eventually the scat supply was diminished as Omaha became the depopulated wasteland we now know; however, the smell remains to this day.

For his part, John McCoy founded the town of Westport a few miles south of the Town of Kansas in an attempt to avoid the odor, and to provide a place where wagon trains could purchase supplies for the long trek to Oregon and California without risking death by hydrogen sulfide asphyxiation.

Today, Kansas City incorporates the original riverfront site, plus the original town of Westport, plus about another 200 miles in any direction, such that the city amounts mostly to barren land and an airport. Geographically, the city straddles the boundary between Missouri and Kansas, and is directly east of Kansas City, Kansas. Residents take a sick pride in the confusion that arises because the "important" part of Kansas City is not, in fact, in Kansas. Of course, by "important" they mean the part with sports teams and barbecue restaurants, since those are the only part of Kansas City that anybody outside the city has ever heard of, and then only because of Food Network specials and Monday Night Football.


Kansas City has long been praised for its varied architecture, which includes Go Chicken Go, gigantically oversized Badminton Birdies, and several famous vacant, boarded up and crumbling historic buildings with pre-demolition permits. For some unknowable reason, people take pride in the WDAF-TV tower, the tallest freestanding structure in Missouri--it is speculated this is compensation for something.

Some notable pieces of Kansas City architecture:

  • New York Life Building - The first "skyscraper" in Kansas City, now headquarters for the scandal-ridden Aquila Energy Corp, who of course received a bunch of taxpayer subsidies to move to the building shortly before going bankrupt. Named due to the fact it provides life-giving nutrients to the people of New York and transmits it across the sky with lasers and other cool shit.
  • Kansas City Power And Light Building - Another early skyscraper, built in the depression-era 1930s under then-Mayor "Boss Tom" Pendergast, who owned a concrete company and, of course, supplied all the concrete for this and various other municipal projects. It now sits mostly vacant.
  • One Kansas City Place - The tallest building in Kansas City, visible on the skyline for miles in any direction. Unfortunately, nobody can ever find it because there is no street called Kansas City Place.
  • Nelson-Atkins Museum Expansion - A series of glass curtain-walled buildings designed by Stephen Holl. Only in Kansas City would buildings that look almost exactly like prefabricated sheet metal barns be considered high art. They made up for the sane people's protests by spontaneously making grass grow on the roof. Way to go, Steve.

Other notable pieces of Kansas City architecture include: The Taj Mahal; The White House; The Leaning Tower of Pisa; The Sydney Opera House; The Eiffel Tower; The Colossus of Rhodes; The Golden Gate Bridge; Buckingham Palace; The Statue of Liberty; The Kremlin; The Reichstag and Uncle Tom's Cabin.

of falling Badminton Birdies http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Image:Liberty_Memorial.jpg


Winters consist of sub-zero temperatures, hellacious freezing rain and ice. Summers are hotter and steamier than hell, and alternate periods of drought with torrential rains and the sheer, unyielding terror brought on by flash floods, microbursts, grapefruit-sized hail and tornadoes. Occasionally the National Weather Service forecasts "scat showers" for the area, but there is a great deal of debate on the exact meaning of this forecast. Some claim it's an abbreviation, while others believe it is a general statement about the fecal nature of the oncoming weather. This debate has mostly been played out by giggling high school boys.


As mentioned previously, Kansas City is home to Go Chicken Go. Barbecue Has a long and prestigious history that we will not go into. Kansas city Barbecue is considered the world's best Barbecue which gave rise to the city's motto "Fuck you, Texas". The Latin version is regrettably not known. Having a cuisine dominated by piles of greasy meat and fried potatoes has resulted in Kansas City being named the 2nd fattest cities in the American Continent.

Some of the more notable restaurants in Kansas City and their key cuisine:

Famous Kansas Citians[edit]


  • It is a common misconception that St. Louis is the largest city in Missouri. Kansas City has been larger for over 25 years, and certain residents will make sure to tell you about it at every opportunity, particularly when it is completely irrelevant to the conversation.
  • Kansas City is not in Kansas. Well, actually it is. One of them is. Two of them aren't.
  • Former stomping grounds of the legendary Bo Jackson, after whom Jackson County is named.
  • In 1988 Australian actor Yahoo Serious considered Kansas City to be the best job market for hospital technicians in the 1990s. Sadly, this was not to be.
  • The first douchebag recycling center was established in 1974.
  • When Kim Wilde sang, "We're The Kids in America (whoa-oh)!" she was singing about Kansas City.
  • Kansas City has babies.
  • When the Liberty Memorial was being built, an unknown sponsor submitted the complaint that the WWI memorial strongly resembled cock and balls. Sadly, this was the 1920s, when no one knew what cock and balls even were, and the construction was not hindered. The 217 foot tall penis is visible from some miles away. The tip lights and burns sometimes.
  • Johnson County, Kansas was named by Kansas Citians who noticed the tendency of people in the county to be total dicks to everyone who was not from there.
  • It is predicted that the 500-Foot Jesus will attack the city in 2009. See Attack of the 500 foot Jesus.
  • Head humping is a common practice in KC - mid-section of video
  • Many in Kansas consider Kansas City to be a suburb of Johnson County, Kansas.
  • It's home to the Flonkerton Nationals (a footrace where boxes of copy paper are strapped to the competitors feet, created by the people of Iceland)
  • Kansas City was nuked by the Russians in 1983.