Karl Rove's Fourth Reich Spectrum of Islamofascist Fear
The lowest level of fear. This would be the sort of level whereby the citizens of the USA realise how badly they are being ass-raped by fearmongering turds. This level of fear has never been experienced but a rough equivalent would be like opening the door to a Girl Scout selling baked produce like cookies or perhaps a nice warm apple pie.
The lowest level of fear so far experienced in the USA -- at least since 1923. Prior to the events of 9.11 this was the standard level of fear. This is akin to opening the door of your "Fear Bunker" to find a Girl Scout selling baked produced like cookies, apple pie or the next door neighbour's cat.
This alert level is particularly useful when attempting to describe the feelings of John Ashcroft upon reading that his hit single "Let the Eagle Soar" had crashed out of the Top 40. It is somewhat like the level of fear one might ascribe to being in an unfamiliar neighbourhood whilst wearing a t-shirt with an "I hate darkies" logo on it.
Only twice seen so far on Fox News to date and long considered a pointless addition to the fear-o-meter, Cyan is the level of fear that is experienced when your dad finds you in bed with your mom. This level of fear is sometimes confusing for those in the southern states as they can easily be confused when familial relations are involved.
Green Alert is used primarily in instances where treehugging hippies attempt to subvert the glorious dominance of American Industry with their namby-pamby whining about the environment and globalization. Every American wants cheap consumer goods from China, and so hearing some hairy little stinkball bitch about it is tantamout to treason.
Yellow Alert has been used several times in the past few years. It's normal usage would be to indicate that a new film starring Ben Affleck or Jennifer Lopez is about to be released and that therefore all good, loyal Americans (the white ones) should lock and load. Yellow Alert was also entered when shops ran out of the Hungry Hungry Oprahs game during Christmas 2003. The panic caused the death of over 50 million children from depression but it did at least save them from the influence of Oprah's Great Big Memory Wiping Device.
- During the Olympic Games in Athens in 200BCE when it appeared that the USA would not win any gold medals due to it's non-existence at the time.
- When the USSR invaded Afghanistan in 1986. The USA was awfully miffed that someone else was bombing brown people. Thermonuclear War was narrowly averted when it turned out that the Russian Premier was only organising a beach party and mistook all the sand for the Black Sea.
"OMFG! I totally saw this Arab dude with like, a turban and stuff and he was standing near the Golden Gate Bridge and he had a camera. We should totally call the cops man!"
At this level of alert the USA scrambles its elite Anti-Terrorism unit and sets about rounding up a few people who don't have blue eyes and administers a sound kicking in the knowledge that they cannot be prosecuted for their activities as it's just like fraternity hazing.
Really Dark Red
This alert level is unused at this time - it would likely be used under only three different circumstances -
- - France requests the return of the Statue of Liberty -- after all, there is only so much irony in the world. The USA would invade France in a moment were it not for France's seat on the UN Security Council and the fact that the doggone French, unlike the small countries the USA usually picks on, actually have nukes.
- - Gay people being married. The options in this instance include the invasion of San Francisco and turning Massachusetts into a smoking crater. Lynn Cheney, who's queer as a clam, would be sent to Dick Cheney's Warm Safe Undisclosed Location until she learned to get horny for men.
- - A Muslim man working anywhere other than a 7/11. Options considered would be the wholesale destruction of any country ending with the suffix "-stan," and anyone with the names Mohammed, Muhammed, Mohammad, or any of the 37,294 other spellings.
Really, Really Dark Red
You're all really fucked now.
Oops. Gone off the edge of the chart. Time to unleash the Olsen twins.
The level of terror so high that the average human heart explodes.
Really Dark White
Normal human cardiopulmonary systems implode. How we go from already exploded hearts to an implosion, is of yet unknown. Brings suprising new truth to the Sand-Monkey and FrenchyPoo-FagNasty allegations of Americans being "heartless bastards".
See Also: Karl Rove