Karma

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Can you see YOUR Karma?
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“One of my best songs”

~ Alicia Keys on Karma

“A type of chameleon

~ Tamia on Karma

Karma. The simple explanation of karma can differ slightly, and sometimes vastly, between humans, cultures, animal kingdoms, watery kingdoms, the world of ants (and other English-speaking insects), and let's not forget other solar systems, but the general concept is basically the same, unless it's different, in which case it's completely something else, although remains to this day, strangely familiar.

Views[edit]

Apparently God plays some kind of role in this, like a giant vending machine, dishing out either tropical fruit or crap depending on what you offer up as sacrifices. In the olden days, people threw burnt goats and bulls in the air, without the aid of a rocket, in the futile hope they would somehow reach God and please Him. Much of this sacrifice tradition has been watered down and lost through the centuries, specially with Animal Rights and Greenpeace and other such regulators throwing spanners in the works. Another common view is that God seriously is a bit of a nosey-parker, turning up in all kinds of places, totally attention seeking. Expecting worship in return for tropical fruits is hardly worth it. You can get them practically free in the frozen section of any leading supermarket.

Definition[edit]

Through the law of karma, that is, if karma is a law, which is also debated, concludes that it should have the same view point unless it's different (see above), the effects of all the stuff you do is made up of the past, present, and future experiences. So, obviously the stuff you do is your fault, so the rubbish verses fabtastic Christmas presents it brings to you/him/her/it and others is all depending on if you write to your relations, call your mum, and provide help and support at the drop of a hat on any respectable and regular times through the year, to whom-so-ever demands it. It's all about pointing the finger of blame, so that any crap going on in the universe is probably your own fault, so stop sulking. But don't forget to feel guilty at all times.

The Swingball™ Model[edit]

A sheepish Buddha skulks off right after achieving enlightenment

Swingball™ is the finest illustrative model known to mortal man in it's resemblance to the dynamics, the nuances and the tidal forces of retribution that swirl within the karmic miasma we all occupy on planet earth. When the pole is replaced by an all seeing Totem, the back garden by God's chessboard, the number of players is upped to a mega-trillion and where appropriate laws are repealed to allow non-humans to participate, then the machinations, desires and actions of all living things will be visible and clear to the onlooker; a mega-trillion tennis players battering a solitary tennis ball on the end of a mind-bogglingly long rope. The things to look out for in this eternal and terrible game of totem tennis include:

  • Getting hit hard in the face by one of the balls (Bad Karma)
  • Hitting the ball as hard as you can into a little girl's face (Good Karma)
  • Becoming entangled in the mile long leviathan-like rope (Karmic Confusion)
  • Crying out in frustration only for a ball to fly right down your throat (Enlightenment)
  • Managing to hit the ball in such away it wraps around the pole until no length of rope is left (You become God)

Life Cycle[edit]

Bad-Karma-Kits available for serious cases. One size, remarkably, fits all.

You are a living recycle bin (a.k.a: re-in-carn-ati-on), karma can get you now and all past and future lives too. So, it's really NOT just for Christmas, karma really needs you all-year-round, feeding off your very soul, forever, in your past, now and in the future, no matter how many times you melt into a blob and reform as something else. Examples of something else can be provided, please see here

How to Avoid 'BAD' Karma in 2x2=5 easy steps

  • Don't throw crap, because
  • Crap sticks
  • If you don't throw crap around
  • Bountiful Tropical fruits will be yours
  • That's what is known as the Reward

lalalalalalalalalalalalla :)

Misconceptions[edit]

Tissue affected by mesothelioma, another rare, malignant type of what goes round comes round, associated with exposure to asbestos.

A popular misconception is that Karma is a rare, malignant type of cancer in the lungs, usually associated with exposure to asbestos. It is born of the unholy union of the lark and the newt, however, some sources show that Karma may be transferred by chameleons.

Life Cycle Apparently In its larval stage, Karma swims about in the sewers, consuming human waste to gain body mass. Once it has achieved the prodigious size of 137 cubic microns, it begins the long journey "up the tubes", so to speak, and into the toilet. When a non-hermaphoditic human adult with one Y chromosome on each strand of DNA approaches the toilet, it readies itself by opening a flap just below the rest of its body. Two chemicals combine to form a rocket-like burst. The Karma uses this energy to swim up the stream of the man's urine and into his urinary bladder. From here, it can monitor his every action. It sets up a relay station to God and just before it dies (at the ripe old age of 102 even if its host body died up to 86 years ago) it reports its final "score" of the man's moral aptitude. In the case that the man dies before the Karma, the man must wait in Purgatory for the Karma's judgment.

Judgments[edit]

  • Purchasing a Microsoft-published product will result in the person's eternal fate decided by the Microsoft technical support hotline. While s/he is on hold, s/he must wait in Hell.
  • In the case that the product related to Microsoft's X-Box gaming system, the person will have the chance to redeem her/himself of this particular sin by challenging Satan to a death match in any popular modern PC first-person shooter. The person must play it on an XBox. Any lag or graphical artifacts, up to and including it not working at all due to hardware inferiority, are the man's responsibility.
  • Does not work for Mac users.
  • Using a poison-tipped catheter to attempt to terminate the Karma's life will be punishable by death by poisoning.
  • Exploding is punishable by death.
  • Death is punishable by explosion.

Warnings[edit]

  • Do not attempt to terminate Karma without professional help
  • If Karma has been terminated by error, splash cold water into the eyes, try switching it on and off and on again. Make sure it's plugged in at the back. Refer to your manual for location of on switch.
  • If problem persists, throw goat into sky as burnt offering to please God
  • Vegetarians may find throwing lentils does not have the weight of a goat, however, large quantities of carrot cake happens to be a favorite for God, you might want to give that a go.
  • If none of the above works there is a serious problem with your Karma, and you may have no option but to start again from scratch. See Ant
  • Does not work on Macs

Exceptions[edit]

Non-exception[edit]

  • December 21, 2012 - Note: All those who have died BEFORE this date will be the only survivors.

See also[edit]

Stop hand.png Warning, repeated messing with Karma, may cause serious side effects.

"When I grow up, I want to be a Super Ubervillan"

"Karma'll get you." (Example The Misunderstood)