Katie Holmes

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“Tom's church may have told you not to scream at one point, but long before that point arrived, we were all screaming silently for you!”

~ your fans on Tom Cruise

“Obviously Katie's performance in Batman Begins was better than Maggie's in the Dark Knight, or they would have decided to kill her off in the first film, but no, they waited until the second film when Maggie was on set: What does that show?!”

~ your fans on Maggie Gyllenhaal

“I wanna suck her blood!!!”

~ Lestat de Lioncourt on on Holmes


~ Christian Bale on Holmes not being in the Dark Knight

“Talent? What's that?”

~ Katie Holmes on her acting abilities

“HELP! I'm trapped against my own will by my husband and these crazy scientologists!”

~ Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise knocked her ass out


Katie Holmes, after being energy drained by Tom Cruise

Katie Holmes was the daughter of the late detective John Holmes and great-grand-daughter of the famous author Sherlock Holmes; she was also the last remaining descendant of a tribe of amphibians called Mermaids (On her Mothers side).

Open Letter from Tom Cruise[edit]

Hi Folks,

This is Tom Cruise. I hope you all saw my summer blockbuster, Fountainhead Earth. It was an original story by Steven Spielberg. He really did a good job writing it. I had fun acting in it. It did a lot better than my girlfriend's movie, Batman Begins. That movie rocked, I hope you saw it.

Anyway, folks, I'm just here to say I wish I had a couch so I could jump on it! I'd really like to jump on a couch! Right now! Because, I'm here to say that I like Katie Holmes a lot. I was born in 1968 and it was always my childhood dream to meet her and marry her someday. I would always write Mrs. Katie Holmes all over my notebooks in school. *blush*

I just wanted to come here and share some amazing facts about Katie (or as I like to call her, Ice, you know: from my movie. She doesn't like that name for some reason).

Well, I can see here that you Uncyclopedia weenies said she's a mermaid and I guess you could say that! Well, you did! Ha!

I'm going to eat my child after sacrificing Katie to the community of IHOP, the Alien headquarters that is a volcano.

Anyway, I just want to thank Oprah for all her help and for forgiving me for impregnating her sofa, only two months to go before the sofa gives birth.

Join Scientology and be a cunt like me, Tom Cruise

P.S. please join my Fan Club at


(This was paid for by Trey Pecker & Matt Stoned. But you already knew that)

Fun Facts[edit]

Birthday: 24th Dec. 1874

Height: 6ft. 8 inches on 6th July '05.

IQ: 3. Seriously.

Vital Stats: 35-23-47

  • Voted 3rd in a poll of the top 10 stupidest Catholics to join Scientology. (Scientology Rocks Magazine)
  • At the age of 7 had a near fatal hopscotch accident, and received eye transplants from a squinting leper.
  • Famous for her role as "Egor" in "Count Duckula"
  • Likes to use her E-Meter to make Grilled Cheese sandwiches"
  • Famous for having the biggest height difference marriage in known history, she is 390% taller than her tiny husband.
  • Won a Grammy after singing and writing the song "Happy Birthday".
  • Call's Tom Cruise's pecker "Mr. Xenu"
  • Known to have memorized all collected works of Hubbard and every Muppet Movie screenplay
  • Rumoured to have now made 11 failed escape attempts from the beautiful armoured fortress that she shares with her husband in Beverley Hills.
  • By deciding not to star in one of the biggest blockbusters of all time: The Dark Knight, but instead in the comedy Mad Money, she is often accused of being a complete moron


1. Bukkake Mermaid (pre-production)

2. Not Another Mermaid Movie (production)

3. Who Moved My Boohukaloogie

4. Dude, Where are the Mermaids? (Guest Appearance)

5. Who needs the Lower Part of the Human Body, anyways (Documentary)

6. Deep Jaws 7 (Guest Appearance)

7. Finding Nemo 2: Mermaid Lagoon (Guest Appearance)

8. Saturday The 14th.

9. The Mermaid Happy Massacres

10. Tom and Me and Scientology!

11. Batman Begins (Sore eye candy)

12. Jizzabelle Mermaid.

13. The Dark Knight (As the Joker)

14. Toy Story 5

15. Mad Money 2: Just Plain Horrible {pre-production}

16. Last Daughter

17. Sims the Movie (Have you seen her eyes?!)

18. Escape to Victory

19. Escape From Titch Madman.

20. The Gift and other poems


To prevent people from finding out that she's a mermaid, Katie Holmes makes sure her lower body is never photographed.

Her lower body has never been photographed, but is rumoured to exist deep underground in a temple buried somewhere along the Nile.

"What? Katie's in the new Batman sequel? I'm never letting her out of the house again!

Other Identities[edit]

Holmes has been known to take different forms, as is part of her half-gypsy heritage. One of her most famous forms is that of Pavel Chekov, reclusive communist and star of Buffy, The Vampire Slayer.

Another popular form of hers is that of her husband, Tom Cruise, which legend says she transforms into and purposely does embarrassing things to make Cruise look stupid. Most people are of the opinion that this is either unnecessary, as Cruise looks (and, obviously, is) stupid enough already, or that she's done an extremely good job, unlike her role in low budget film "Mad Money" (What the hell happened there?).


Katie's description of the incident.

On October 5, 2005, Katie Holmes announced she had been forcibly infused with the spawn of Mr. Tom Cruise. Nine months later (or so, depending on, er, you know) in a moment not unlike that in the Alien movies, the child exploded from Ms. Holmes's head, became the prophet of Scientology and killed thousands of people. In the forthcoming months the beast will be killed by Andrew Sapien, along with the extermination of the alien being known as Tom Cruise. Unfortunately, until then, we will have to live in fear of more terrible movies, and a slaughtering prophet.

  1. Fun Fact# Did you know that Katie has never had sexual relations with "husband" Tom.

Relation to Sherlock Holmes[edit]


"Yes Holmes?"

"It says at the top of this article that this woman is related to me, Is this true?"

"Why this is Uncyclopedia Holmes, How can I know!, But wait!, You never had a sexual relationship with a woman so it must be false!"

"Ah, good thinking Watson, But Mermaids don't count as women, do they?"

"A Mermaid Holmes?, Honestly you have to stop your Drug Addiction!"

"No Watson, She was real, I assure you, It even says at the top of the article that she was a decendant of a Mermaid!"

"Yes Holmes but it might not be correct!"

"Watson I believe it is time for my show, I must leave now!"

"See you later Holmes, (In Whisper) You Son of a Bitch!"

See also[edit]


Tomcruiseanimated.gif This article forms part of the series on Scientology
Beliefs Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous
Concepts The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)
Practices Kitten Huffing
People L. Ron Hubbard ~ Tom Cruise ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman ~That Creepy Scientologist "Charity" Fund Collector Guy
Enemies You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous