Sea kayak

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A basking Kayak.
Kayaks on dry land.

“It's like a small barge over troubled water”

~ Paul Simon on Sea Kayaks

Sea kayaks are human powered watercraft propellerated by a double-bladed paddle. Most solo sea kayaks are 12-18' long and 22-30" wide and they have either a giant spike or a naked lady in the bow (at the front of it). The measurements are given in Imperial Standard, as decreed by the Emperor.

They are also known as "touring" kayaks, because you often see them on the roofs of automobiles hitching a free ride. This becomes necessary in cases where there is no water around. Cars and Kayaks have a terrible relationship. No matter what they do, Cars cant get these pests off them. Kayaks strap themselves on and get a free ride until desired habitat (AE water) is found. It causes alot of iritation for Autos because Kayaks tell them Jeff Foxworthy jokes in a secret Vehicle Launguage Us humans cannot hear. But sometimes cars think of good comebacks for kayaks and canoes such as- "If there is a Hick from the ozarks raping a Fat guy in you, You JUST MIGHT BE A Kayak or Canoe!! Sometimes, cars succeed in getting kayaks off their roofs and send them flying off and giving them a hard landing on the road. Cars also Flip the mangled kayaks off with the secret language of vehicles. Cars dont just take their anger out on Kayaks, but Allies of kayaks- the Bycicle. Eventually, A Kayak will see a Mangled Schwinn on the road. This will Piss kayaks off pretty damn badly, and there have been reported incidents of Sea Kayaks coming into garages at night and eating the pistons of the cars, then taking a Crap of Polymer on the dashboard.

One advantage with sea kayaks is that paddling one or two can be quite a workout, and lots of Americans really need to do more paddling instead of sitting on their sofas watching football and eating beer nuts coated in whip cream and beer. Get out and paddle, or bike, or get laid, or just put down that cheeseburger!! Whatever is fine for you, it doesn't matter to me, because right now, I am watching a fantastic film starring Ron Jeremy.


A threat presents itself. Paul Simon sings. You are screwed again.

Sea Kayaks are often outfitterated with deck rigging, hatches, bulkheads, and a compulsory 6 inch ceramic figure of Paul Simon mounted on the deck, or mounted on Art Garfunkel, if applicable.

Every time a threat such as dangerous weather presents itself, the figure will start singing "Now the storm is rolling by you, you are massively screwed again, no, it isn't strange or unusual, it sucks to be you right now... Li La lie, Li La lie Lie la li Lie, Lie La lie... Why did Garfunkel replace that verse of the boxer, With a piccollo trumpet Solooo?? That Bastard!! Lie la lie la li, That Giant Bastard!! I'll get hi-hi-hi-hi immm!!". But I digress. Differentiated models have different outfittering with some sea kayaks with just a little rigging and some with a padded seat, day hatches, shock cords, bar fridge, gas barbecue, and, of course, Paul Simon.

"The Next Era"[edit]

Waiting for the flooding!

Many people misunderestimate flatwater and sea kayaks. With floods, rising waters and Global Warming, I predict that in 20 years the entire planet will be completely emerged in water forcing us, and you, to live in kayaks.

There will be a massive kayak shortage in 2040, so now that you have read this article, go to a dealer and purchase a kayak before it's too late. Yes, it is a down-grade from your apartment or house, but you asked for it by driving those massive SUVs. Now you can appreciate kayaks more, since they will save your ass in the next 2 decades, which is approximately 20 years. There will be no money, we will live on fish, seaweed,salesman, and dogs that we catch from our kayaks. We must sleep in our kayaks. We must live in our kayaks. We must die in our kayaks. We must eat the people who die in our kayaks. Then we will throw up in our kayaks. All this will happen to the melodifluous strains of Paul Simon. Something to look forward to in our old age.

In fact, we will never be able to leave the perimeters of our craft, except for defecation and procreation. But I digress.

Military Kayaks[edit]

the dramatic battle of Pearl Harber.

The US Army is now using kayaks to go on missions to fight off chimpokomon from Pearl Harbor. These chimpokomon are powerful, but no match for the mighty polypropolynethylene boats. The kayaks are equipped with chimpokomon-seeking missiles, Life Sized 6" paul simon figures, and M-16 asphalt riffles.

The battle went on for months or weeks, but the kayaks had successfully saved Pearl Harbor from the chimpokomon. Unfortunately, many good kayaks were lost in the bloody battle. God bless those kayaks in uniform, and Paul Simon too.

Kayaks were also used by Juan "Big Manly N00B pWn-er" Caarlos, professional monkey porn dealer, in the battle of Little Big Horn. Custer and Caarlos faced off in their Jackson SuperHero whitewater kayaks, equipped with chainsaws, Paul simon in an MRI machine, lasers, and the usual array of protective dark magic. As Custer lunged at Juan Caarlos, lasers firing, Chuck Norris ran up and roundhouse kicked him 400,000,000 times, causing the entire Northern Hemisphere to be reduced to ash. Both kayaks survived thanks to their protective magic, and are on display right now in Paul Simon's bathroom. God Bless Paul Simon.

Even Paul simon himself lives in a sea Kayak. Its 14' long, and 28" wide. Before reaching fame and prsperity, Paul simon was living in a tin can and feeding on dead peigons. One peigon supplied paul with enough food to last for 8 years. After writing "The kayak Boxer", and "Sound of silence", he became rich and purchased his grand estate, a pamlico 140, for $700 dollars. Inside his sea kayak, Paul has only the highest-end Doll house furniture installed in his grand Malibu home. Paul simon lives hapilly and contently in his water-front home with his wife, a troll doll. And of course, hes got all his awards, witch are actually monopolly board game peices. Paul now lives as a recluse in his Pamlico 140 sea kayak shunned from society, spending most of the time being jealous at Berry Manalow, Knitting, Watching Seasame Street, and cleaning his house kayak with 303. Paul simon prefers to remain indors with the cockpit cover on for fear of Being stepped on, or being eaten by a wolf spider.

Sea Kayak Marathons[edit]

All over the world, there are constant annual sea kayak marathons. They are fun for both spectators and competitors. However sea kayak racing is an extremely violent sport. Every year, many on-water fights have taken place. Just last year at the Yukon River quest, a man in a Pamlico 140 repeatedly rammed his kayak into a spectator at a stunning 4 miles an hour. The spectator tripped and was bruised, but happy. "The kayaker had the mad eyes of Conan O'Brien", said one witness to the travesty.

As it turns out, Conan O'Brien was the kayaker who sent an innocent bystander home with an ow-ee. The Cops rushed over in their crown vics after the incindent was reported. Conan saw the Police getting into a motorized raft, so, with all his might, Conan O'Brien paddled out of the shore and accross the road. This took him about 6 hours of land paddling. finally, after 8 days of land paddling 5 feet in his Pamlico 140, he reached a cliff. His Sea kayak slid, as he went with it. but, just then, Jay leno ran up and said "Hold On!!!", and conan obrien grabed his Chin and was saved. But the kayak slid off into the dense forest bellow and was found by paul simon and was paul's new home. the Police caught brien. Conan was fined 300 dollars and community service, babysitting President Bush and teaching him to read.

Types of Sea Kayaks[edit]

Casual Paddlers.

There are many variations today of the original Inuit kayak design, which was unnecessarily simple and elegant. However, the use of bones to make the frame and seal skins to cover it created a rift between the Inuit people and the (normally) peaceloving and sex-starved hippies . Multitudes of hippies of indeterminate sex staged a "love-in" in Northern Canada. In one of the common tragedies of the time, they were all pronounced dead on arrival, mostly due to hypothermia. A "significant number" were shot with whaling spears, and the rest were torn to shreds by Siberean Huskies. But I digress.

Sea Kayaks in movies[edit]

Many people don't know it, but there are many films with Sea Kayaks in them. In fact, The landmark single-part trilogy Back to the future had a blue convertible kayak which was converted into a time traveling machine by the illegal replacement of Paul Simon by an aardvark. It took Marty Martin and the "Professor" to 1955, the not-so-distant future, and the old Wild West. When it hits 3 MPH (Imperial measurement), it travels to the selected time setting but stays in the same place, which is very interesting, but confusing to most teenagers.

BTTF pamlico 140.JPG

See also[edit]

Notable Expeditions[edit]

Every year, paddlers attempt to Break records in kayaks, like paddling from Austrailia to New Zealand. These are the class of kayakers considered Suicidal. World-breaking Sea kayakers will either die in the ocean or get thrown into a mental institution. If you go to your local Mental Hospital, you can see Nigel Dennis and his Precious Kayak. But ussually, Kayakers never make it to the crazy house. Most of them are rotting bodies in capsized sea kayaks drifting in the sea as we speak. After all, it is attempted suicide.