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Keane are, aside from being a tory, posh-boy cunt collective, a type of wallpaper, invented in 2004 by Scopy Records in association with IKEA. Keane was designed to emanate pleasant, instantly forgettable and inoffensive Muzak in addition to having the other benefits of wallpaper. The music was to be written by Enya who was (were?) given an extra large dose of valium to ensure that the muzak wasn't as raucous or noticeable as her (Their?? His?? Its??) previous work. However, within a month of Keane going on sale at all good household items stores andWilko's, three timid, dull, shandy-drinking Ra's from Gayssex went public with claims that they were, in fact, Keane and that the raging hordes/retarded toddlers/Ritalin-addled chimpanzees of Enya had in their Valium rush nicked the real Keane's studio tapes and passed it off as their/its/hims/shes own for wallpaper-use. Q Magazine were so upset about being caught not knowing what Keane was that they immediately reviewed the album, or they would have if anyone in the office could be made to listen to it without passing out in a comfy chair with a nice cup of tea, their pipe and some slippers. Desperate situations calling for desperate measures, the mag (Qag?) asked the 'band' itself to review the album, seeing as they must have stayed vaguely awake through the process of recording it. Thus, both Keane's debut and sophomore efforts where declared 'Inspiring masterpieces', full of 'artistic vigour' and worth 'six stars out of five', while 'I think my leg's asleep'.


The members of Keane (Tom 'The Shandy Man' Chaplin, Richard 'Cow Raper' Hughes, and Tim 'God I wish I had a nickname' Rice-Marmaduke-Theolonius-Tarquin-Chelsea III) are the love children of Roy Keane and an anonymous Ninja Pirate. Naturally, with the musical skill inherited from their parents, they decided to form a band.

Sadly, on one particular night Tim was heard to utter the phrase "I Hate Big Brother" and was immediately arrested by The Thought Police, but, being to young to be executed, was sent to a forced labour camp in Grimsby, where he was constantly raped, beaten and tortured by fellow inmate Pingu The Penguin. To escape this torment, he turned to LSD, which is thought to be the inspiration for many Keane songs, such as 'A Bad Trip', 'Everybody's Changing Into Giant Singing Mushrooms' and 'The Frog Prince Is Hiding In My Cupboard'. After touring many quaint English villages Keane were signed to the Fierce Panda record label. Soon after the release of their debut album, it was noticed by the media that the riff from Somewhere Only We Know played backwards much resembled John Lennon's 'Jealous Guy', the band agreed that Lennon must have plagarised them, and so they sent some tramp they found on the street back in time to murder him in December 1980. This obviously caused a lot of resentment from the public, and so their record label tried to boost their image by adding rock legend David Bowie back into the band, who quickly turned the band's fortunes around, helping Tim to pen their incredible second album 'How Ziggy Stardust Rose Up From Under The Iron Sea To Waste His Time By Writing A Completely Pointless Album With Some Band Who Have Nowhere Near As Much Talent As Him With A Ridiculously Long Title', throughout the year this was the favourite to win 'Longest album Title of the Year' award, but it was unfortunately taken away by Razorlight's new album in the last month. Keane have written a song for Razorlight's lead singer Johnny Borrell which they named 'The Frog Prince Is Hiding In My Cupboard'. Borrell said of this song "This song is shit. Nowhere near as good as any Razorlight songs because Razorlight are the best f**king thing in the whole f**king universe. A million times better than shit like The Beatles or David Bowie the w**kers. We're great though, and I'm a f**king genius." Somebody needs to shoot that guy.

Current Career[edit]

Future plans for Keane include: an intelligent disussion about the state of modern capitalism over a cup of tea, going down the pub for a pint next Saturday, and the launch of their own 'Country Preserves Company', which was runner-up in The Guardian's 'Best Indie-rock Band Related Organic Jam or Marmalade Product of the Year' in 2006, the band all agreed that this easily made up for their loss at the Grammys, and, to celebrate, released 2 more flavours: 'Variety Breakfast' and 'Honey-induced Coma'.

Critics have very mixed opinions on Keane, with reviews ranging all the way from "Utter crap, makes me want cut my ears off with a chainsaw" to "Keane are the most amazing thing ever in the entire history of everthing! Ever! So, so, so great! Absolutely untoppable!" This prompted one reviewer to describe them as being like marmite. Since this point, angry protesters routinely throw broken bottles of marmite onstage during Keane's performances.

But. You must admit, they are the best cure for hyperactive children everywhere. Takes 'em right out. Ever wonder why we never saw any more of that German kid screaming at his computer screen on YouTube? Yep. Extra large dose of 'Hopes & Fears' combined with a touch of Air Supply and a recorded conversation between Michael Palin and Terry Wogan about East-Kalmukian cheese and Martian brandy.

Band members[edit]

  • Tom Chaplin (May be dead)
  • Robbie Keane (Could well be dead)
  • Roy Keane (Should well be dead)
  • Well I'llaskhim Butidon't-thinkhe'llbe-very Keane
  • Tim Rice-Marmaduke-Theolonius-Tarquin-Chelsea III (Should be dead)
  • Dominic Scott (Alive and well, and living under the name of David Cameron)
  • David Bowie (Refuses to continue working with the band if they don't stop raping his wife)
  • David Farragut Torpedos Kills random people in audience
  • The entire cast of Emmerdale.



  • 'Hopes and Fears and Tomatoes'
  • 'How Ziggy Stardust Rose Up From Under The Iron Sea To Waste His Time By Writing A Completely Pointless Album With Some Band Who Have Nowhere Near As Much Talent As Him With A Ridiculously Long Title'


  • Somewhere Only We Know (Behind The Bike-shed in Half-an-hour) (2004)
  • Everybody's Changing Into Giant Singing Mushrooms (2004)
  • Bedshaped, But I Wouldn't Want To Sleep On It (Single only released in Ikea flatpack format).
  • Musically, a patch of fog (2004, 1/2" vinyl)
  • Two Walnuts On My Tree, Bend Over Bitch. (Long, long version)
  • It's Chico Time (Non-album Single)
  • Ah, The Wonders Of Prostitution. (Banned)
  • A Bad Trip.
  • Give Me Your Fucking Money Or I'll Rip You A Second Arsehole, Bitch.
  • The way you want to fuck it


  • Keane were sued in 2006 under the trades description act for their song everybody changes, after it was found Tom Chaplin never changes and has and always will be a boring little man with a very round face. He appealed to the decision by snorting a massive amount of powdered sugar and trying to prove he was cool enough to go into rehab with Doherty.
  • Keane don't have any guitars ,this is because people associate guitars with music which may causes confusion.
  • 98.7% of all elevators are playing a keane song right now and only 0.45% of people are aware or this

External links[edit]