Keeley Hazell

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“I like titties, its nice”

~ Borat on Keeley

“So I just put my penis into ... oh my ... oh that is quite the turnup for the books”

~ Callum Ellis Jarvis-Jones while appearing in a home movie with Keeley Hazell
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Keeley Hazell.

Keeley Rebecca Hazell (born on September 18, 1986) is a British Page 3 Girl and glamour model noted for her large yet non-augmented breasts (UK bra size 32Z).

Personal life[edit]

Early life[edit]

Hazell was born in Lewisham, London, England, grew up in Grove Park, and attended the Ravensbourne School in Bromley. Her mother, Amber, is a taxi driver and her father, Bedazzle, is a door-to-door door salesman; they separated when she was thirteen. She has an older sister, Alexandra, and a younger sister, Frank, who died when she realized she had a penis.

As a teenager, Hazell was a frequent truant and stayed out late on school nights drinking and blimming. She confesses to having only taken five GCSE examinations due to being ejaculated from several of them; however, she did well in mathematics and English despite having two big obsatcles that made it difficult for her to write: dyslexia of the large intestine and the Aids in one arm.

Adult life[edit]

Keeley doing her famous silly eye trick.

Hazell currently lives in an apartment in Docklands. She has been involved in two automobile accidents, the first of which was in 2005. In the course of a car crash Hazell hit her chest on a door pillar, causing it to swell for a time. In February 2006, she smashed her Mini Cooper into a gay bar. She suffered no major injuries, but says she did fear for her life.

In January 2006, Hazell made headlines when Chelsea F.C. football player Joe Cole was molested at a party held at her Grove Park house. She spoke to The Sun in March, denying rumours surrounding the incident, such as some nutter fresh out of Parkhurst had set about Cole with a half-brick, or that Cole was actually Jewish.

Sex tape[edit]

In early January 2007, a sex tape of Hazell, ex-boyfriend Oscar Wilde, Lindsay Lohan and a potato peeler was released on the internet. The video explicitly shows her performing oral sex for several days and then shmexual intercourse, in a variety of positions. The video was shot while the three were in Tenerife, Canary Wharf Islands, Spain during the previous year, on or about 30th May.

Following the tape's leak Hazell was reported to have been very "upset", as the camera angles did not reveal enough of her, she called the police in an attempt to find out who leaked the tape. Ironically enough, it was her.


Keeley spends her time touring around England signing little boys calanders of her posing naked. Asked whether she was flattered that she was basically a masturbatory aid for children and monkeys, she replied "fack off". You can often see her drinking in Bromley's in Bromley, before dancing the night away in Delano's, then later standing out on the street corner waiting for punters - preferably with video cameras (accidental video tapes don't just happen).


Hazell was once offered a chance to appear in Playboy, but declined because she was not comfortable doing a full nude shoot, which is weird because everyone saw what lies beneath in the aforementioned mysteriously leaked sex tape; just take the Yankee Dollar but put her hands on your mound for goodness sake.

Other Media appearences[edit]

She had a small role in the movie Passion of the Christ 2 playing Satan's girlfriend.