Keith Moon

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Moon the Loon. Don't leave this guy in your bathroom alone with matches and cherry bombs.

“Never heard of him.”

Keith Iliketo Moon (1946 or 1947, nobody knows for sure-1978), known by his stage name Moon the Loon, was Oliver Reed's right hand man for most of his adult life. He blew up a lot of shit - preferably drums and toilets - and masqueraded in all sorts of outfits, proudly flaunting his homosexuality and hairy chest. And he played drums real sloppy awesome too. He is also the only person that Chuck Norris bows down to.


Keith Moon's father was the Earth's Moon, though it has never been explained how he impregnated a mere human woman. (The moon's response: "Duh! Everyone knows how big my celestial shlong is!) Nobody's quite certain when Moonie was born, but dammit, he was born with a bang. Bored with the amniotic fluids of his mother's womb, he rigged up some explosives and burst out of her. Five minutes later, he burst the pipes in the bathroom with a mortar left over from World War II, blowing up the toilet. He spent his youth masturbating in his mother's kitchen. At age 12 he took up the trumpet and discovered he was very good at destroying it. His wayward mother suggested he take up drumming, so he did just that. Discovering yet again that he could blow it up, but from hopelessly retarded when it came to rhythm, Moon took to playing frenetic bursts of percussive noise for about 30 seconds, then detonating the kit. This action caught the attention of talent agent and famed child exploiter Mahatma Gandhi. Gandhi suggested Moon join a band, so he found the hapless Beatles and replaced drummer Pete Best. After about two months, he was kicked out, for making too many "John Lennon's a bastard" jokes and asking repeatedly if Paul was in fact really dead. haa gato!

In the 'Orrible 'Oo[edit]

Keith then joined The Who, a surf techno band from Shepherd's Bush. From the outset, he came to blows with singer Roger Daltrey, calling him "the Poor Man's Robert Plant" one too many times. Daltrey frequently beat the hell out of Moon, but the wily young drummer had already developed a high tolerance for pain after blowing himself up one too many times. The Who made it big with the hit "My Masturbation," which Moon claimed he wrote about his childhood. Guitarist Pete Townshend got the credit for it and was from then on picked as lead songwriter. This led to a flurry of trite hack POP singles that had little in common with "Masturbation," because they weren't written by the same guy. Not that Moon minded. He was too busy blowing shit up and hanging with his new buddy Oliver Reed, famed actor and pimp. He also piloted a model zeppelin (or blimp for you retards) about London with intent on crashing it really good. The resulting crash created the band Led Zeppelin.


Although his behaviour was outrageous, it was in the same humorous vein as his friend Vivian Stanshall, of the Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band. Their exploits are legendary, perhaps the most notorious involving Stanshall going into an unsuspecting tailor's shop and admiring a pair of trousers; Moon then came in, posing as another customer, admired the same trousers and demanded to buy them. When Stanshall protested the two men fought over them, splitting them in two so they ended up with one leg each. The tailor was by now beside himself but right then a one-legged actor, who had been hired by Stanshall and Moon, came in, saw the trousers and proclaimed "Ah! Just what I was looking for." (This is true). Then he married a groupie called Tina T, because they had great sex.

Violent Death[edit]

Moon died following a performance on the Shmo Fo Brother's Comedy Hour, right after a performance of "My Masturbation." After the finale, he went to the bog and attempted to flush five sticks of dynamite down the toilet. When the explosives detonated, the porcelain shards cut him to ribbons. Townshend's hearing was also damaged. Paul McCartney walked in to find Keith on the floor, and walked out again. Moon now resides in Chuck Norris' subconscious, where all awesome people with high tolerance to pain go, further strengthening Chuck's prowess on the badassometer.

What this man's last words were.


“I ga-ah get runnin now”

~ Keith Moon on his Bell Boy persona

“Where's the loo? I guh-a explode ”

~ Keith Moon on his Bell Boy persona

“Keep yu lip bu-ened down ”

~ Keith Moon on his Bell Boy persona

“Carry yu bloody baggage out”

~ Keith Moon on his Bell Boy persona

“Always runnin ah somebody's bleedin eel”

~ Keith Moon on his Bell Boy persona

“You crashed my Eva!”

~ Asuka Langley Sorya (loudly, for six hours) on Keith Moon's piloting abilities

“i shit in his drums ”

~ keith moon on rodney king

“Better get that muppet out of my face cause I'll drop that motherfucker!”

~ Keith Moon on Animal

See also[edit]