Keith Olbermann

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“This is as rigged as the 2000 presidential election!”

~ Keith Olbermann on "Legally Blonde: The Search For Elle Woods"

“Fucking thing sucks!”

~ Bill O'Reilly on Olbermann's talk show

“And Drew Brees stole his jacket from Martin Fry of the 80's group "ABC".”

~ Keith Olbermann on "Football Night in America", citing a pop culture reference only two people understand
Olbermann hamming it up for the camera

Keith "How Dare You, Sir" Olbermann (born January 27, 1959), also known as the man with the Horn-Rimmed Glasses (aka HRG, "Liberal Dicksuck", or simply Spanky by his mother) is the finest American fag television network analyst in the history of news. If you won't take my word for it ask Olbermann, he believes it as well. Besides hosting the most fair, well balanced and thought provoking (Well, at least by DailyKos / [Kitten]Huffingtonpost standards )MSNBC "news program" Countdown with Keith Olbermann, he also host other NBC shows such as Morning Keith, Hardball with Keith Olbermann, Meet the Press with Keith Olbermann, Mad Money with Keith Olbermann, The Keith Show, and The Keith Olbermann Show. It is important to note that Olberman's integrity is that of Lincoln, perhaps better. Keith lives in New York City in an apartment with his mother. It is Olberman's voracious reporting and his obsession for the truth that stopped U.S. President George W. Bush from repealing the term limits in the United States and seeking a presidency for life.


Born in New York City, United States, Olbermann's birth is the product of genetic engineering and artificial insemination. His mother, Marie Olbermann, was unwittingly convinced by the followers of Satan to become the mother of a child who, they assured her, will change the news. Olbermann's birth was unusual, not because it was done naturally with John "Mustache" Bolton (Mrs. Olbermann's boyfriend) but at birth he had the normal body of an infant boy and the head of a cocky middle aged closeted homosexual male with horn-rimmed glasses. Baby Keith refused to ever take off his horn-rimmed glasses, even during bath rime and sleeping. His mother would eventually take notice of "Spanky's" unusual behavior. "Whenever Spanky got upset with me he would play Johann Sebastian Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor on the organ and damn me in an overly dramatic voice as being 'the worst person in the world," his mother once reflected. "He would also play that tune while going into long tirades about people he considers 'worse', 'worser' and 'worst', including our cat Miffy." Olberman was very critical of his childhood cat Miffy, usually going into long "special comments" about him while staring at what he pretended to be a camera. As mentioned here: (, Olbermann suffers with Coeliac disease, for which he has to wear a diaper. MSNBC interns were required to mop up Olbermann's urine after he soiled himself behind his desk. He lives with his mother which is very helpful for him, as she changes and cleans his bottom.

Keith Olbermann was once visited by Captain Obvious, who boldly exclaimed, "You're not very fair or balanced either." There are reports that Captain Obvious has used the word "Tool" when Olbermann was brought up, but this has not been confirmed.

He is a member of the Church of the Lukumi Babalu Aye, and deeply enjoys their ritual of slitting small woodland creatures throats and watching them bleed out.

Keith Olbermann was once targeted by Destro, who Olberman called "A tin-headed dickwad!" Destro was later taken out by The Burger King.

Mass grave of Keith Olbermann's victims uncovered by the U.N.
Marie Olbermann, Keith's roommate/mother. "Spanky is my joy," says she. She monitors Olbermann's bath time and changes his diapers, as the TV host suffers with Coeliac disease.

Olbermann has examined whether if Jesus would be a capitalist. He has also examined if Capitalism would be practiced by Sulla or Alexander the Great.

Did you know…
Keith Olbermann has no reproductive organs?

Special Abilities[edit]

Keith Olbermann has numerous special abilities. These include:

His Voice: his voice is so amazing that every liberal listening to him experiences an orgasm every two minutes. In addition, his voice is so powerful that every conservative listening to him explodes out of sheer rage.

The Great Terror[edit]

The Great Terror was a series of campaigns of political repression and persecution inside the NBC studies orchestrated by Keith Olbermann from 2008-2009. Olbermann, who steadily rose to NBC's number one position, sought to eliminate what he considered "Bushist" elements characterized by widespread police surveillance, widespread suspicion of "saboteurs", imprisonment, and killings. Estimates of the number of deaths associated with the Great Terror run from the official NBC figure of 3,000 to nearly 1 million.

  • The first trial was of 10 members of the so-called "Bushist Ten", held in August 2008, at which the chief defendants were Joe Scarborough and Lawrence Kudlow, two of the most prominent former Bushist inside NBC. Among other accusations, they were incriminated with the assassination of Tim Russert and plotting to kill Olbermann. All were sentenced to death and executed.
  • The second trial in October 2008 involved 17 lesser known figures including Rebecca Quick, Chuck Todd and Brian Shactman. Thirteen of the defendants were eventually shot. The rest received sentences in labor camps in Montana where they soon died.
  • The third trial, in January 2009, included 21 defendants alleged to belong to the so-called "Bloc of Capitalists Bushists", led by Jim Cramer, former host of Mad Money. He was executed on the orders of Olbermann.
  • There was also a secret trial of all people associated with CNBC, which Olbermann accused of promoting a pro-capitalist agenda. All remaining CNBC talent were sent to the labor camps inside Montana.
Olbermann lambastes Iron Man as a Bushist war-mongering fuck-face.

Keith Olbermann Quotes[edit]

“John McCain, you sir are not a war hero. You were captured, sir. A true war hero would have killed himself, sir, before giving himself to the enemy, sir. A real hero is me. Look at me, sir. Look at me. Drink it in. For I am true heroism risking my life by speaking against the powers that be. And people think you're a hero?! How dare you sir, HOW DARE YOU!? AND HOW DARE THEM!!??”

~ Keith Olberman, after his meds wear off

“[To camera #1] Now, for the Special Comment portion of this show I would to talk about former president, now fellow citizen George W. Bush. HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU! [To camera #3] How dare you dare to have been president, sir!? How dare you!! You just walk away from your presidency and play a farewell address, HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU! [To camera #2] How dare you, sir, HOW DARE YOU!”

~ Keith Olbermann, after his meds have worn off


~ Keith Olbermann, in serious need of Thorazine

Matt Millen, you draft a wide receiver every year. HOW DARE YOU SIR, HOW DARE YOU!”

~ Keith Olbermann, forgetting he is no longer a sportscaster, because he is in DIRE need of his meds

“"I would trade all my success for a responsible pres-- pvvvvmppphhhhhh!!!!! Ha Ha Ha, Sorry!"”

~ Keith Olbermann, the moment his meds kicked in

“"As a Cluster B sociopath, I wouldn't have any problem slaughtering all of the conservatives of this world."”

~ Keith Olbermann addressing his hatred for all things right-winged.
  • "Free Ira Einhorn!"
  • "I never met a Fag I didn't want to tag".
  • "The punishment John McCain suffered by the North Vietnamese is nothing compared to what he deserves now."
Olbermann wishes the death of all right-wingers and their children.

See also[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Keith Olbermann.