Kelly Clarkson

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Kelly Clarkson demonstrating her ability to fly.

“It wasn't until halfway through her career that I discovered she wasn't a man. At that time I promptly ceased my illicit affair with her.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Kelly Clarkson

“I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly, I'll do what it takes 'till I touch the sky.”

~ Kelly Clarkson on weed

“Why does she hate me so much anyways?”

~ Leona Lewis on Kelly Clarkson

“Quit stealing our fucking song titles.”

~ Powderfinger on Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Brianne Clarkson (born April 24, 1982) is an American pop rock singer-songwriter and actress. Clarkson is possibly the best Gospel writer and singer to ever walk the face of the planet (apart from Jennifer Hudson). She was plucked from obscurity by infamous nasty man Simon Cowell in an attempt to make more money than the Osbournes. However she became too powerful for even Simon to handle and thus developed into the evil mecha-assassin that she is today. She is currently at war with her arch nemesis Clive Davis. She is the estranged daughter of Jeremy Clarkson of Top Gear fame.

Early Life[edit]

Nobody is entirely sure what Kelly Clarkson actually did before she became an awesome celebrity, although rumour has it that she worked in a local restaurant as either a waitress or a bouncer (it must have been a rough neighbourhood to need a bouncer in a restaurant, but they're all the rage these days).

Kelly was born in the year 3061, where humans have the ability to fly. Kelly went in a time machine to 2003 and hid in Simon Cowells shed until she got bored.

In an interview on 14th October 2005 her puzzled father admitted to neo-feminist magazine Grazia, "I have no idea what she was doing all those years to cultivate her voice. From the age of 5 she would just leave home and disappear all day. I think she went to somewhere called school? Isn't that amazing? She wasn't doing crack. Shut up. Even then I knew she was special."

One thing that should be stressed is that Kelly was born as naturally as the rest of us. Despite her powers she did not hatch from an egg.

Kelly is very disappointed that people really want to know all about her early life(who would want to admit that they are a lesbian and has a paid job as a bouncer). What matters is the present(she probably hasn't changed).

American Idol[edit]

Kelly Clarkson using her silly eyes.

When she was 19, Kelly decided to enter a small talent show locally. Little did she (or anyone) realise that this was in fact a front for the first ever series of American Idol, the show created by psychotic genius Simon Cowell, who had already enslaved the people of Britain through his bland 'entertainment' shows and was trying to make more money through television than his arch rivals the Osbournes. Recognizing her talent, Simon had her put through to the "NEXT ROUND" and she was kept in a wretched dungeon along with all of the other finalists for weeks before the "NEXT ROUND" began.

Simon believed that Americans had a short attention span, but that's not true, is it? (well, you would have one too if you had over 1000 TV channels to choose from) so to attract more viewers he introduced a system by which each person who left the show would be eviscerated by wild dogs in a large pit in the studio. Wait, what was I talking about? Incredibly, Kelly managed to make it to the finals and win, therefore escaping a vicious snarling fate.

It is worth noting that Kelly is the only person to ever have survived American Idol. All subsequent finalists have pissed off Simon one too many times and as a result been thrown to the dogs anyway (note that these deaths have not been publicised; Simon watches them alone for pleasure then sells their identities to Damon Albarn so that he can create yet more 'experimental' music under silly names like Gorillaz or Splot).After Idol she was Briefly engaged to Paula Abdul before she discovered that men have something Paula don't.Height.

History Of Her Divine Song[edit]

Kelly's first album, entitled A Mugging Like This, was her misguided attempt to appeal to the yoof of America. Although the album allowed the true power of her voice to shine through on occasion, it was undermined by the subjects she sang about; critics were less than impressed with the title track's talk of "popping a cap in yo' ass, ah gonna woop woop shank shank".

Again, lest ye judge Kelly at this point then it is worth noting that at this stage in her career her music and lyrics were still written by Simon Fuller, the bastard half-brother of Simon Cowell and one of the most powerful men in music. After less than pleasing album sales (it did not reach No.1 in 17 countries within a week of release because in France Je T'aime (Moi Non Le Plus) is still Top of Les Pops) Kelly confronted Simon. When he refused to reach a fitting compromise, Kelly lost her temper for the first time in her life. Although nobody is entirely sure what happened it is widely believed that, like so many things these days, castration was involved. Kelly walked out of Simon's office a free (if rather blood-stained) musician.

Her next effort, Breakaway (From Simon), was when her voice really became a household sound. By which I mean that her voice follows me everywhere. What's that, Kelly? Kill all my friends? Okay! The songs on the album, when they weren't about how much of a loser anyone called Simon was, revolved around a religious theme. This is why she has been described as The Voice of an Angel. If you honestly think that title is in fact affiliated with Charlotte Church then you are mistaken; she was actually dubbed the Vice of an Angel because the sporting press felt her drinking escapades were affecting the performance of her boyfriend, the angelic rugby player Gavin Henson.

Her 3rd album, My Oh My, December was released in a storm of albums; Kelly had the unique idea of distributing free singles of Never Again over Montreal by plane. Sadly, this publicity stunt lived up to the single's name. After 379 people were hospitalized, two of whom died, Kelly agreed not to repeat this anywhere else in the world.

The songs on this album were deeper than anything she had ever recorded, with Kelly singing about alcoholism (used as a metaphor for love), Judas (used as a metaphor for betrayal in love) and even isolation (possibly to do with not being loved). There is an unfortunate reason behind this; after the 2nd album just about every teenage boy and girl in America wanted to go down on her and as a result she found herself being used in her relationships. She has since sworn to stay single for 5 years and now completely refuses to speak to anyone called Simon, or listen to Simon and Garfunkel, or acknowledge the existence of anyone called Simone because "it is simply Simon disguising its foul intent behind the most common letter in the alphabet".

Her 4th album: "All I Ever Wanted Is Sex" was probably Kelly's most pop influenced album to date. The first track off the album: "My Life Would Suck Without Your Dick" became her first single for her new album. The second track: "I Do Not Hook Up (While Sober)" was written by Katy Perry, while her and Clarkson were on a date and she wouldn't let Perry take her home and have sex. The third single "Already Gone from Simon" was written (infringed) by the biggest plagiarist writer Ryan Tedder of One Republic, who planned this all along with an another pirating Destiny's Child Beyonce. The track "I Want You In My Vagina" is a song Kelly wrote herself, from her own desires. Another track on the album "Don't Let Me Fuck You" is a song expressing Clarkson's desires to have sex with Clive Davis, her long time friend. The last track on the album is "If No One Will Listen I'll Just Kill Myself" is a deep, and emoish song that expresses that no one cares about you and you should just end it all.

Her 5th album "Stronger and Fatter" is Kelly's new album and it's a doozy. It's first single: "Clive Davis is Mr. Know It All" speaks of her relationship with her friend/boyfriend Clive Davis, the song totally sounds exactly like Bruno Mars. The second single: "What Doesn't Kill You (Makes You Fatter)" is about Kelly's incredible weight gain where she balloons up to 200 pounds, which sounds like that party pig and tran$ve$tite Ke$ha. The song (for the first time) features a HOT version of Kelly dancing and karate-chopping those losers darning with her. It's so cool. It is also currently the theme song for girls who ate their feelings, plus-size models, pigs, cows and The Fat Girl. Another single: "The Dark Side of Kelly" is about Kelly's journey to the Dark Side of the The Force, where they have her favorite cookies: such as betraying American Idol and joining The X Factor and The Voice and that Duet show nobody watched.

Work Beyond Music[edit]

Kelly in her crime-fighting guise battles the Tentacle Monster of Ramsgate.

The most obvious point to make is that by doing bad things to Simon Fuller's genitals, Kelly destroyed half of the Fuller-Cowell Pact that once dominated Western Civilisation's entertainment. This shocked Simon Cowell so much he fled back to England. The amusing thing about this is that without Fuller, the Pop Idol franchise collapsed and Simon was forced to make X Factor. This inferior show is only watched in the opening rounds just to see talentless masochists get pasted by Simon, who is nastier than ever due to the fact that he actually had to employ his nemesis Sharon Ozzzzzbourne as a judge, and she earns a bigger salary than him, so his original goal has failed horribly. Without Kelly's actions, we could all be Simon's bitches rather than Simon being the bitch of the Osbournes. What goes around comes around, or something.

Some people believe that Kelly's voice can cure illnesses. This has yet to be proven although at one concert a high note did knock the plaque off a fan's teeth. Of these alleged healing powers, Kelly once said with a sweet smile, "I don't really think my voice is that special. Besides which, I personally believe that only the Lord has the power to heal so I don't want to make any blasphemous claims." Isn't she wonderful?

As somebody who was held in a stank jail during the filming of ''American Idol'', Kelly is all too aware what this can be like, so she supports Amnesty International. Back when they were still working together, Simon Fuller convinced Kelly to record a single to raise money for this charity; the chosen song was penned by the lovechild of nu-metal and Goofy, Fred Durst, and was titled "Gimme Yo' Fuggin Cash So I Can Bust Fools Outta Da Clink". It sold just seven copies, raising about $13.57 worldwide for the charity. This was possibly the start of Kelly's problems with Simon.

Kelly also fights crime on city streets in a leather jumpsuit. Few have survived the experience but those who have reported that she was so beautiful that they began to weep openly and beg for mercy. And that was just the women. She never spares men.

A New Rival[edit]

After the destruction of Simon Cowell, Clarkson realised that he had discovered a new apprentice, one far younger... and more powerful. This apprentice was in the form of Leona Lewis who threatened her to the point of insanity with her insane vocal abilites. To this day Clarkson has vowed for the young lady's death and will do anything for that moment to arrive. Should the dye be set however and opportunity strikes, she will stop at nothing for the combat of the titans to take flight.

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