Ken Barlow

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“Mmmm, such a wild stallion!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ken Barlow
Kenneth William Bartender Olive Sudsulike Irregular Periods Barlow
Kenneth William Bartender Olive Sudsulike Irregular Periods Barlow
Date of birth: 149th Alango, 398877
Place of birth: Where There Be Beasties
Nationality: Dull
Religion The Almighty Vagina
Spouse Deirdre Barlow
Children Tracy Barlow, Gary Barlow, Saddam Hussein

Ken "The Meatball" Barlow was born in 1874 as Kenneth William Bartender Olive Barlow to a Librarian and another Librarian. He later changed his name to Jesus and became the leader of Christianity, but he converted to a satanist and changed his name back to plain old Lulubelle Gertrude Tigerskin. Today he is the oldest cast member of Stereotypical Northern Docudrama 'Coronation Street' and is currently 7th in the 'Worlds Richest Men' list. Tipped to replace David Cameron as British Prime Minister when he resigns.


Kenneth decided that he enjoyed childhood so much that he stayed 4 years old for over three decades just so that he wouldn't have to go to school. Eventually, once the tranquilizer dart had worn off he found himself in the back row of class 2P. He quickly picked up the schoolboy slang and soon started using words such as poo, bums, bugger and erogenous zone. His teacher, slightly pervy, did not discourage him from his newly found talent and within two years he had become Regional Swearing Champion. Regarded as a hero by his teachers and fellow pupils, Kenneth soon let the adulation go to his head becoming insanely egotistical and arrogant. He started a gang called 'Barlow's Bunch' and spent lunchtimes kicking the shit out of foreign exchange students for the dinner money and Beano comics. He was married aged seven to John Lennon in the world's first civil ceremony, but they divorced in 1066, just as Kenneth's mistress, William the Conqueror, was conquering. He eventually lost to the world's most famous conker player, Victor Meldrew.

Teen Life and World Domination[edit]

Barlow's gang grew and pretty soon every one in the UK knew of him or had lost a family member to him. Racketeering and prostitution funded his now wild cocaine and LSD habits as he overthrew the UK government and placed himself in charge.

On his 13th birthday he developed a spot on the end of his nose and was so embarrassed by this that he ran crying to his bedroom where he stayed, head under pillow, for 17 years. When he emerged he had been completely forgotten by his gang and country and, even worse, he discovered that he had been cast in a new show to be called 'Fuckin' Northern' Bastaads!'

Kenneth also enjoyed sexual relationships with dogs. One particular dog he was VERY fond of. She was called Sheila and was a right bitch.

Barlow is also notorious for having shagged 99% of the population of the European Union.

Coronation Street[edit]

After a title change Ken settled into his new role in Coronation Street. His original character was to be a pimp dressed in deep purple velvet, several gold chains and a thick, golden walking cane that he would use to keep his bitches in order. Unfortunately the producers of the show decided that Mike Baldwin was way too manly for Ken to be able to convincingly portray such a character, and thus a legendary rivalry was born. Sometimes Ken is confused with his on-screen characher William Roach although one crucial difference is that in real life Barlow only has one ear and before appearing in Corrie has to sit in make up for three hours at a time whilst make-up artists fashion an ear made out of rubber, potatoes and mice droppings.

A Ken Barlow action figure

The Ken Barlow / Mike Baldwin Rivalry[edit]

Over the years the rivalry has spawned many classic moments in the soap. These include...

  • Ken sneaked into Mike's bathroom early one morning before he had awoken and stretched clingfilm over the toilet seat.
  • Mike poured a pint of beer over Ken's head.
  • Ken told Deirdre that Mike was as hung as an impotent mouse.
  • Ken discovered allegations of homosexuality plastered all over his Facebook page.
  • Mike ingested crocodile eggs that had been slipped into his morning coffee.
  • As Mike lay unconscious in hospital, Ken urinated all over him and filled his drip with vodka.
  • Ken was the subject of numerous police investigations after continual allegations of kitten huffing surfaced.
  • Ken spiked Mike's drink with sulphuric acid.
  • Mike slept with Deirdre, recorded it, and posted the video onto
  • Ken slipped Mike enough viagra to explode the hearts of 15 Arnold Schwarzeneggers causing Mike to die of an erection-induced heart attack.
  • Ken had the last laugh by pooing in Mike's coffin and smearing it over Mike's face to make a smelly, yet comical moustache and eyebrow design.
  • After a disagreement with Roy about the price of his fish fingers, Ken tried to set fire to his cafe.


Today Ken lives with his wife Deirdre, his mother in law Blanche (whom he regularly slips the length to after spiking her Horlicks with Rophenal- his secret romance with Blanche was actually discovered due to all the KY jelly he was borrowing from Roy). It is rumoured that Ken tried to seduce Rosie Webster at the back of Roy's Cafe. "how would you like to have a bite of this fish finger" he said to the strumpet with a deranged Anne Robinson style wink. He has a daughter called Traceh who is currently locked up in prison for murder (takes after her father, but was stupid enough to get caught) and a secret Philippino rentboy he keeps hidden under the stairs for all those lonely occasions. Today his life is more slowpaced with only 3 hoes to pimp out now that Mike is no longer around ruling the nest. Gone are the garish clothing choosing, simply, to just wear the big pimp hat and Mr. T-esque gold chains. Sadly, due to political correctness gone mad he is now only allowed by law to endure 2 gratuitous hard-core sex scenes in each episode of the show.

His secret desire is to clone himself for masturbatory purposes so that he really could see what it's like to go and fuck himself.

Ken Barlow is also well known at Manchester United football club, where the Cockney reds sing a song called Viva Ken barlow, Viva Ken Barlow, worked in Roy's Caff, shagged Blanche in the bath, Viva Ken Barlow. It is thought Gary Neville gets an erection when this is sung.

Despite being as exciting as a stamp-collecting Keane fan from Boringville, he has proved to be an amorous little bugger. He has had a succession of street romances- quickly earning him the title of the "weatherfield wodgerwer" as Jonathon Ross so eloquently put it.

Ken hopes to engage in sexual intercourse with at least thirteen more males and/or females and/or hermaphrodites on the street before he is set to leave the show in August 2023. It is believed at this point that Ken will leave in an emotional death scene, dying from a fatal combination of severe anal rupturing and blue waffle disease.


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