Kennedy Washington Quincy Adams Jefferson Roosevelt Jetson
|Date of birth||30 CBGB|
|Place of birth||Queens, New York, USA|
|Date of death||All Hallow's Eve, 4277¾ AD|
|Place of death||Washington DC|
|Vice President||Orbity (4277-4277¼) J.D. Salinger (4277¼-4277¾)|
|Prime Minister||Ran in 1965 election|
|Term of office||4277 AD–4277¾ AD|
|Preceded by||Zsa Zsa Gabor|
|Political party||Disco Christian Democrats|
Kennedy Washington Quincy Adams Jefferson Roosevelt "Ken" Jetson (2133 - 41) is the 52nd and arguably whitest President of the United States. Despite his popular following and resounding critical acclaim ("Two thumbs up!" -Ebert & Roeper), many refuse to recognize his administration because of his alleged crimes against humanity, most infamously the posthumous charge of Being Too Handsome, and thus Jetson does not appear on many "canonical" lists of American Presidents. The son of space patrol captain Elroy Jetson and cyborg sexbot Barbara IX Bushborg-Flynt-Jetson, Ken Jetson was born in Queens, New York sometime, a direct descendent of 30 of the previous presidents, including George W. Bush and George P. Bush (but not George H. W. Bush or Racer X. Bush). He was baptized Disco Christian and taught from an early age by his parents to hold devout faith in Disco Jesus. He was also the last living native speaker of Australian.
A flamboyant heterosexual, Jetson demonstrated from an early age extraordinary leadership capabilities. By his senior year in high school, Jetson was the editor of the school newspaper The School Newspaper, president of the local chapter of Young Heterosexuals of America (YHA), world champion Pagemaster, founder of Students For Jerry Seinfeld For America For President For Life Forever, and an avid reader of pornographic magazines. He graduated Bayside High School with high honors and attended Harris-Klebold University on a full scholarship, where he studied Victorian Literature and Jenniferian Mathematics. After graduating summa cum awesome, he earned his PhD in TV/VCR repair from Sally Struthers University, garnering accolades for his doctoral thesis, How to Stop That 12:00 Thing from Blinking Over and Over.
After a brief career as a rock star which saw him topping the Ugandan charts with his stylish post-neo-techno-punk cover of "My Heart Will Go On", Jetson won the New York Judgeship Lotto on the numbers 8-6-7-5-3-0 and bonus ball 9 and began a career as a jurist. He oversaw many controversial cases, including The People Vs. George Jetson, where he set aside the jury's conviction of his paternal grandfather George Jetson for the grisly murder by Venusian Ballkicking Torture of his dimunitive employer Cosmo Spacely, on the grounds that George Jetson had been provoked beyond the limits of human endurance after being made vice-president and then fired less than a half-hour later innumerable times by Mr. Spacely. In some year, he was nominated for an appellate seat by then-President Jerry Seinfeld, for whom Jetson once campaigned ardently back in high school. Despite accusations of cronyism, he was confirmed by the Senate 431-12, with i abstentions. He began his tenure on the bench of the New York Ultra-Low Lowest Appeals Court Division XII, Part 2. Four hours later he was made Chief Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States.
As Chief Justice, Jetson oversaw many landmark rulings, including Girls v. Boys, Cats v. Dogs, Cats v. Zigs, Dogg v. Hammer, and Gore v. Bush VII: The Final Nightmare. He became wildly popular among Americans for his chiseled features, his resonant baritone voice, his weekly radio address on self-run pirate radio station KWQAJRJ, and the way he'd write dissentions in Pig Latin. After the scandal-marred Gabor administration, in which President Zsa Zsa Gabor nearly faced impeachment over Zhee Teapot Darling I Love You Scandal, Jetson opted to step down from the High Court to make a run for the presidency against the incumbent Gabor. He won 16 Electrical Votes, 40 Editorial Votes, and 200 Erectional Votes in the Electionatorial College, assuring him the narrowest victory of all time in the history of the universe, winning by just two nanoangstroms.
His administration has been described by historians as the best dressed administration since James Knox Polk's, rivalling even William Henry Harrison's. He had the Cabinet refaced with the Department of Killing People Who Don't Like America, Department of Giving Money To People Who Like America, and Department of Warcraft IV. Unfortunately, midway through the third trimester of his seventh term, he was assassinated by the terrorist strong-arm group The Ping Pong Liberation Front of Kamgorea. After a lie-in-state where millions of Americans and six Jamaicans paid their respects, he was bade farewell from this world with a traditional Disco Christian funeral, pursuant to the wishes in his Last Will & Testament. Attended by world leaders the universe over, the ceremony proceeded from Washington DC to Queens, where Kennedy Washington Quincy Adams Jefferson Roosevelt Jetson was laid to rest to the closing strains of "Lift High the Lipgloss" on local churchbells. He was just nineteen years old.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
|President of the United States
|Chief Justice of the United States
3015 AD – 1010 AM