|THIS ARTICLE IS FREAKING|
|The Kennewick War|
|Part of the Kennewick War (dur!)|
|Southridge Suns||Kennewick Lions||Kamiakin |
|Lt. General Willingham||King Sauron||Emperor Palpatine|
|Too little||Too much||Way too much|
“You can't give a Dementor the old one-two!(Dementor is british slang for a Kamiakin Warrior)”
“Get back here, Potter! I want to see your face when I kill you! I want to see the light leave your eyes!”
“The sands of time have already begun to pour against you, Kennewick.”
“Southridge is going to win...”
“The worst thing I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that. ”
“Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Kamiakin Side.”
“There is only one step from the sublime to the ridiculous.”
“Remarkable boy. I do admire your courage. I think I'll eat your heart.”
“Give me the RING!!!”
“We will use a stupidly overelaborate secret pirate-raygun<choose>
<option weight="25"></option><option> plus to destroy them!”
The Kennewick War is a war being fought in Tri-cities, Washington by the three powers of the Tri-Cities, Kennewick High School, Kamiakin High School, and Southridge High School, who have all recently been aided by Delta mercenaries.
- 1 The Beginning
- 2 The Other Beginning
- 3 The War Gets Interesting
- 4 Southridge Owns
- 5 Kamiakin Empire Turns Tide
- 6 War Continues
- 7 A Happy Ending!??
- 8 Delta
- 9 Kennewick gets attacked... Again...
- 10 See Also
The Other Beginning
Okay, so this whole war deal all began back in 1970ish when Kamiakin (a colony of Kennewick) rebelled and declared independence. Well, Kennewick wouldn't have it, so war began. 20some-odd years later, in '97, Southridge, another newly established colony of Kennewick, declared their independence.
Just days after Kennewick troops were sent into crush this rebellion, Kamiakin (the "Braves") also declared war on Southridge (the "Suns"), making it Kennewick versus Southridge versus Kamiakin...okay, I'll stop with the weird colors now.
Kennewick had been the first ruler of the Tri-Cities until the war began. Kennewick had quelled small rebelions from Pasco, Hanford, and Richland, befor but they had not had to fight a war with real men befor.
Anywho, sometime in about 1970ish, Kennewick established a colony they called Kamiakin (Kennewickese for Land of the Goat Rapers) Later, Emporer Constantine I decided that Kamiakin was awesome (he was later admitted into the psychiatric institution), and started a protest. Well, this protest quickly turned into a riot, and the riot turned into a revolution, and that revolution lead to a full independence movement. Sauron immediately sent troops in to crush the rebellion, but instead of a full-scale war, George Clooney, Sauron's most trusted commander, was given the order to have a thumb wrestling contest between the two sides best.
So Kennewick sent in Atom Ant, which scared the censored out of the Braves. Kennewick had the momentum but then, Kamiakin sent in Chuck Norris. In one of the greatest thumb wrestling contests of all time, Chuck Norris finally defeated Atom Ant in a contest that lasted over 4 months. Kamiakin had won their independence...and everybody was happy. Yay! Who-hoo! Yippee! Okay, that's enough being happy.
Kennewick started to see that Kamiakin was not a bunch of ballet dancing homos like they had fought befor from Richland, Pasco, and Hanford. Kamiakin started to quickly take control of Tri-City provinces for a new empire. Kamiakin decided that they wanted to be the ruler of the Tri-Cities. The provinces surrounding Kamiakin fell rapidly under Kamiakins hand and for the first time since the creation of Tri-Cities, the map had more than just the color orange on it. Leading Telemundo analysist Katie Couric recently interview Frank West. Knowing her, she of course had to ask the stupidest question to Frank, she asked "When Kamiakin started forging its empire, was the war bloody?" His answer was simply "Well jeeze, let me think. Considering that nearly 45,000 people died on the battlefield, almost 10,000 died of various STDs and nearly 1,600 goats were raped in the first week, one could probably give a good argument to that if they answered 'Yes'."
The fighting only escalated from that point on...until one day, the war suddenly just ended. That's right, both sides just quit firing at each other...then Oscar Wilde flushed the toilet, pressed the play button and the war suddenly started up again. The fighting was fierce, but then one day, on March 19, 1990 (20 years after the war began) Sauron ordered an all out invasion of Kamiakin.
In what would go down in history as Operation:Storm the Heartland (also more commonly known as the Battle of the Pelennor Fields), about 54,000 Kennewick troops and a little over that many Kamiakin troops were engaged. Casualties of the operation were: about 54,000 Kennewick troops and a little over that many Kamiakin "Braves".
Promenient Casualties of the Battle of the Pelennor Fields
- George_Clooney (Twice)
- God (according to Corpoal Nietzsche)
- Corporal Nietzsche (according to God...and everyone else)
- General Samuel L. Jackson
- Sergeant <insert name here>
- Colonel Hitler
- Private Lindsay Lohan
- Brigadier General Yoda
- Captain Jack Sparrow
- France (rioting ensued in Paris)
- Colonel Tony Blair
- General Oscar Wilde
- Lieutenant Gumby
- Sergeant Indiana Jones
- Corporal Knights Who Say "Nee"
- Captain Han Solo
- Staff Sergeant Richard Nixon
- Private Moses
- Colonel J.F. Kennedy
- Private Bruno the Yoddler
- Private First Class Jessica Simpson
- Private No Class Joseph Smith
- Gandalf the Grey (would later be resurrected as Gandalf the White and fight for Southridge)
- General Darth Vader (only critically wounded)
- Private Britney Spears
- Colonel Sanders
- Sergeant Goat (killed by friendly fired. He was immediately raped)
- Comrade Mao (China invaded America as a result, beginning World War III)
- Comrade Fidel Castro
- Colonel Count Dooku
- Sergeant Grievous
The War Gets Interesting
Okay, so right before the commercial break, we talked about the Battle of the Pelennor Fields. Well, let's skip ahead to 1995. In 1995, Kennewick set up another colony they named Southridge (Kennewickese for Complete and Total Domination Land). This decision would come back to haunt them. AAAaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!! Sorry about that. Only 2 years later, Southridge rebeled and declared their independence.
With a huge army, Sauron sat down and had a tea party. After this incident, he took that army of probably about 3,000,000 or so and invaded Southridge. The Suns had an army of about 3,500 (of which only 137 had ever seen combat before), no artillery with the exception of mortars, no air force and their troops were hastily trained and poorly equiped.
Despite this, the Suns absolutely kicked the Lions' arse, resulting in the death of around 36,000 Kennewick soldiers on the first day alone. Despite the extremely high casualties, the Lions kept going at it. Meanwhile, while 90% of Kennewick's soldiers were being owned by Southridge, Kamiakin made a big offensive and crushed the Lions.
Constantine started fighting with Southridge. An Empire has to grow doesnt it? Kamiakin had an unlimited suply of soldiers so why not.
So now, with only about 2,750 troops and very little ammunition, Southridge was up against over 4,000,000 well armed and expierenced troops of Kennewick and Kamiakin. It was only because of the heroic resistance
we of the Southridge soldier and the skill/determination of Southridge commanders like Generals Harry Potter, Gandalf the White, Jonathan Willingham and William Wallace that Southridge survived.
Among hundreds of thousands of other soldiers, George Clooney of Kennewick was killed 5 times during the Invasion of Southridge. It was also during this period of the war that hostilities between Kennewick and Kamiakin were rekindled.
After the first Invasion of Southridge, more and more people rallied to the side of Southridge to the point where they had about 100,000 total fighting for Southridge. They also developed a powerful air force and navy. While they still had nowhere as near as many troops as Kennewick or Kamiakin, they began to fight a
lardlarge-scale guerilla war against both sides. Both Generals Clooney and Napoleon of Kennewick were mortally wounded in one of the first engagements of the guerilla war with Southridge.
Kamiakin Empire Turns Tide
This is when Emperor Palpatine became ruler of Kamiakin. He built some huge ball, a death star he called it or something, which he used to kill the Southridge's alderran brigade. Unfortunatley some roudy teenagers were driving around and threw a cherry bomb into one of its exaust pipes and the thing blew up.
In recent years, the violence has only escalated. On July 9, 2005, Darth Vader was leading a platoon of Kamiakin soldiers on a patrol assignment when his platoon was ambushed by Southridge forces. Vader put up a good fight, and both sides took many casualties that day, but when it was all said and done, Darth Vader died; killed by Jon Willingham himself. Willingham was himself wounded in the engagement, but he would be alright.
Major General Clooney was mortally wounded on Tuesday January 12, 1364. Rioting ensued in Paris...a lot of rioting. Lord Voldemort of Kennewick was also killed in January 2008; a bomb from a Kamiakin bomber hit Voldemort right on his domepiece. The bomb also killed Non-Ranked Atom Ant of Kennewick. The Kamiakin bomber was shot down by a pair of Southridge fighters just moments later. The plane kamakazied right into a Kennewick base.
A well-known and well-liked Southridge officer named Oscar Wilde was killed in 2007; he got in a duel with a Kamiakin tank. Lets just say it did not work very well.
of General Conn
On Sunday Februrary 17, 2008, Lieutenant General Jovan Conn of Southridge was mortally wounded. He died completely painlessly in his sleep sometime between Monday Februrary 18 and Tuesday Februrary 19. Southridge troops were extremely depressed by the loss of The Greatest Sun Ever.
A Happy Ending!??
So the war continues and the price gets ever higher and even more popcorn is consumed by God and Oscar Wilde. Considering that the war hasn't ended yet and that it's end is nowhere in sight of anybody with the exception of God. I wish that I could tell you that they all lived happily ever after, but that would be ridiculous to say that you have a happy ending to a story that hasn't ended yet...you just have a happy, and that is very strange.
“This is a good movie, but at the same time it's...almost blastphemous. First of all you say that I died twice in one battle; one time for each side, and even after that you say that I fought for Southridge. And then there's the fact that Napoleon has died 17,000 times, and if that's not bad enough, finally, you say that there's not a happy ending...you crushed my dreams right there...I'm gonna need therapy now thanks to you.”
“Dude, I love you but did your mommy ever teach you how to shut up?!?”
In the year 2009 a new faction entered the war. Their name was Delta. This new faction in the war totaly changed the battle field of the Kennewick War. Delta works as mercenaries for hire with robotic machinery and all kinds of state of the art weapons ranging from proton cannons to illegal bio-chemical weapons banned by the Geneva Convention. Delta came to being under the rule of Darth Cruentus. Darth Cruentus's own fighting skills were hired by Southridge which gave Southridge a huge advantage in the Kennewick War at this point. I mean if you had any idea why his name was Cruentus you would understand.
Kennewick gets attacked... Again...
This Just In Admiral Saruman has been pwn3d by two people; Gandalf the White, and Darth Cruentus have all been given credit for the critical hit. Admiral Saruman is in critical condition; Kennewick nurses are tending to him right as we speak. It looks as though he may pull through, but he'll be scared and will have to sit out for at least a couple of weeks.
This Just In; directly after the attack on Saruman Lt. Dora The Explorer attacked Gandalf the White and stabed him in the heart. Just like when Gandalf fought that Balrog, he has come back to life though even though he died. Now hes Gandalf the Blue!
No wait, a fourth This Just In, Admiral Saruman has died. Again! This Just In, Because of the death of Admiral Saruman, Kennewick are left wide open by sea. Kamiakin is taking advatage of this and is launching a massive fleet to assault Kennewick by sea.
Wow! Yet another This Just In Gandalf the Blue and Gold and Lt. General Jonathan Willingham have attacked Lt. Dora the Explorer. Comrade Nikolai Krushchev is coming to her aid, but.... OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Domination!!! Lt. Dora and Krushchev have both been killed.
What will happen to Kennewick? Will Kamiakin crush them? What is Southridge doing while all of this is going on? Tune in next week to see what happens. But until then, for all of us here in the studio this is Dracula, good night.
Battle of Antietam (still under construction)
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