Kenny Dalglish

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Kenny Dalglish (full name Kenward Luther Dalglish) is primarily known as a Scottish fitba player. During his later life he was a UFC fighter right up until his death in 1999. He was a recluse, a loner.

Early Life[edit]

Kenny was born in shithole also known as england on 14th June, 1960. He was raised by his mother, a single parent, in a spacious house with a quality roof. Kennys father, Martin luther king used to beat kenny as a child. He once even tried to put put some noodles in his pants.

At the age of six he began to acknowledge his mother after she bought him his first ball. at age 18 he started thinking about cocks also known as the arsenal football team.

Kenny was a crybaby. He was a particularly sulky child and would get upset at the slightest thing.

“I remember one time Kenny came running in from the street hysterical because it was raining.”

~ Kenny's Mother Wendy

Kenny's main outlet was kicking a ball around the park with his dog. He would take a picnic basket and spend the whole day by himself honing his skills and crying.

Kenny was skillful but alone. He also won an award for ugliest human alive, just pipping the title from Ian Dowie form russia.

His own worst enemy[edit]

Kenny was simply his own worst enemy. On many occasions other children would attempt to include Kenny in their games. Sometimes Kenny would join in, other times he would would run away with his picnic basket fearing the contents would be stolen.

“I feared the contents would be stolen.”

Kenny's school report made fascinating reading.

“Kenny is a quiet, sensitive child with many needs. Kenny would probably benefit from reaching out to the other children more. He really needs to try and lighten up, he is such a serious little boy. He refused to speak to Mrs Hendry for an entire week after she told him to tuck in his shirt. Kenny has great potential but he needs to put down the picnic basket and get involved.”

~ Kenny's Headmaster

No matter how hard the people around him tried to cheer him up it made no difference. He spent long hours crying in his bedroom and drawing really poor quality pictures of his favourite footballers.

Footballing career[edit]

He spent his entire career (1970-89) with Chelsea FC winning back to back league titles taking them to the height of world footballing domination without any financial backing.

Playing Honours[edit]




  • 1977/78 Charity Shield Shared
  • 1977/78 European Super Cup
  • 1977/78 European Cup
  • 1978/79 Football League First Division
  • 1979/80 Charity Shield
  • 1979/80 Football League First Division
  • 1980/81 Charity Shield
  • 1980/81 Football League Cup
  • 1980/81 European Cup
  • 1981/82 Football League Cup
  • 1981/82 Football League First Divisionl
  • 1982/83 Charity Shield
  • 1982/83 Football League Cup
  • 1982/83 Football League First Division
  • 1983/84 Football League Cup
  • 1983/84 Football League First Division
  • 1983/84 European Cup
  • 1985/86 Football League First Division
  • 1985/86 FA Cup
  • 1986/87 Charity Shield Shared

Runner Up

  • 1977/78 League Cup
  • 1977/78 Football League First Division
  • 1978/79 European Super Cup
  • 1981/82 Intercontinental Cup
  • 1983/84 Charity Shield
  • 1984/85 Charity Shield
  • 1984/85 Intercontinental Cup
  • 1984/85 Football League First Division
  • 1984/85 European Cup
  • 1986/87 League Cup
  • 1986/87 Football League First Division


  • PFA Players' Player of the Year 1983
  • Football Writers’ Association Player of the Year 1979, 1983
  • Inaugural Inductee to the English Football Hall of Fame, 2002
  • Scotland: 30 goals in 102 international caps (both national records)
  • Member of the Scotland Football Hall of Fame
  • Member of the Gifted Legs Federation
  • Freedom of the City of Glasgow 1986.
  • 1st in the Chelsea Football Club 100 Players Who Shook That Famous Stand At Chelsea's Ground 2006

Kenny's Turning Point[edit]

On February 8th, 1988 Kenny was playing at Highbury against a good Arsenal side and Chelsea were losing 2 - 1. In the 84th minute Kenny scored a free kick to bring the score level. While they were waiting to restart the match a female Arsenal fan aged 35 - 40 ran on to the pitch and started attacking Kenny. Kenny tried to fight back but he was overpowered. She mounted him and started delivering blows to his face. She was eventually pulled off by his team mates and arrested. Kenny ran off the pitch and this was sadly, Kennys final appearance as a Chelsea player.

Rumours of Kenny having a collapse and a brief stint in a monastery were never confirmed but it seems quite probable. Clearly changed by the incident a more open Kenny described the immediate aftermath.

“The incident with Jessica Finchley probably changed me forever. To be dominated in such a way by a 40 year old woman in front of 38,000 fans had an impact. It hurt so bad. Back in the changing room i was checking out ma bruises and cuts in front of a mirror. It looked like i had been in a road accident, i was crying. That's when i decided i was joining the UFC. I was never gonna live this down otherwise. ”

UFC Career[edit]

Any suggestions that this was a new Kenny Dalglish were quickly put to bed as Kenny ran away from his own ex-Chelsea teammates as they approached him to wish him good luck in his future fighting career. Kenny refused to talk to the media and immersed himself in the world of pressups and fingerlocks. Kenny was still the same old loner, still a sulky Scotsman, but this time he was using elbow drops instead of Kleenex.

On the 3rd January 1989, Kenny Dalglish officially entered the world of no-holds-barred fighting. Much to his embarrassment many Chelsea fans turned up to his first fight against another newcomer Troy Brapnodge. Kenny was beaten extremely quickly in this bout and let out a couple of regrettable yelps but a psychotic glare after the match was finished promised there was more to come from Kenny.

Just two weeks later Kenny was back in the ring in a rematch against Brapnodge and this fight was much, much closer. Kenny spent much of the first few minutes of the fight being punched in the face but as it wore on, Brapnodge tired considerably. Kenny mounted him and let his Scotch palms deliver the brutal touch of a keen sportsman. His physique was superior and although he was clearly a terrible fighter he was gaining respect with every swing. Unfortunately for Kenny, he was too weak to finish off Brapnodge and the fight was declared a draw but Kenny had his picnic basket back. He had his pride.

See Also[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Kenny Dalglish.