Ketch Anbang

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Carla Bruni, the current French President's squeeze, is one of the world’s most played for Ketch Anbang target. In some respects Carla Bruni could be likened to the ultimate trading card. She's claimed to be have been had by many, but can only really be afforded by English Rock stars.

Ketch Anbang is the only Jamaican or black pastime for that matter which has pervaded modern culture and interest. It has a long history and has many commentators baffled at how the pursuit of women could have been turned into a sport. It consists of a male player seducing a female target and ditching her with minimum fuss. Points are gathered not on the actual seduction but primarily on the quality of the quarry.

There are three types of Ketch Anbang and it is practiced exclusively by males, as unlike women, the motivation is sex and not money. It remains very popular worldwide, however orthodoxy for the British version remains common as none of the other countries superior strategies, and their failed methods are often cited to claim monogamy and marriage has financial and spiritual benefits.[2]


The game is thought to have originated in Jamaica when black people had no television and shooting each other eventually got boring. The game has actually an unknown origin, and it is thought to be originally from Africa where most civilization, including science, art and space exploration and all higher human activities came from apparently according to white educated black people. The earliest players tended to avoid the seduction aspect and simply went to the bangin’ part regardless of female consent. Modern anthropologists suggest this is because nobody cared what as women thought as they were newly domesticated 3000 years ago and men had not deemed giving them rights yet to be that that much of a priority.

It’s popularly has been widespread with many blaming this popularity for creating burgeoning birth-rates and absent fathers.[this is a lie] It has also been criticised as being responsible for reinforcing negative black stereotypes, however their skill in Ketch Anbang should not be merely regarded as a negative practice but a distinct cultural practice which is a gift to the world, and child benefit claimants.

Some have suggested leagues throughout history however keeping tally worldwide as a nation is something that only a few would subscribe to, the main reason being as some "Just aren't up to task" according to David Hume and followed on with the idea that, '"Who could really expect the whore filled 'hanger on' elements of society that comprise most of Europe could really be up for Ketch Anbang." This view has been widely discredited as most of these poor countries simply copied either the British version or the Jamaican version of gameplay.

Game Play[edit]

Barack Obama is a well known proponent of Ketch Anbang and learned well from his father. He is seen here with French 'playa' Nicolas Sarkozy contemplating a young intern's 'booty' as a potential Ketch Anbang score.[1]

Usually a player picks out a girl, and although many would hate to admit it, praying on the vulnerable is a must if you’re not much of a looker. Often seeming pathetic and pitiable in the right amount also helps the player achieve their end. Scoring was devised anonymously and summed by Sidney Poitier,

Cquote1.png You'll get points based on the quality of the ass ya bang, being black we're great at maths so we times a score out ten by the score of the girl which adds up to ten... so.. umm... a number seven girl scores 70 in the rub. Of course the sport is filled with irrational scores and black holes in terms of the score results... Cquote2.png

Universally sexual intercourse then takes place when a female has been suitably convinced. One excellent strategy is to go for the 'interracial method', whereby impressionable and inexperienced victims are seduced while on internships or on holiday. After all what young black girl fails to have an interest in white circumcised cock, and what white girl does not want to 'save' a wayward black criminal man in a western country?

Scoring is usually compiled on the basis of whether you're into the derrière or the tit humps. Usually this is personal preference. Some argue that the two are rarely is ever separate factors. Others hold that scoring should be based on whether the score had a backbone or a pulse and they cannot be said to be the most discerning or respected players of Ketch Anbang.

Jamaican version[edit]

One strategy the Jamaican version is famed for as been described as by some cruder soft elements of society have suggested this is just out and out sexual assault, but like many reptiles it apparently has its own sweeter more human affections involved. Probably don't try this element of the Jamaican version if you are white as you'll be regarded as the 'scum of society'.

The Jamaican version also prescribes that in event of being surrounded by law and order/white people the unique strategy is hitting on everything that moves. This so called "Desperate Dan" approach is often adopted by inexperienced players, who see this has hedging their bet among a female populace. Black men seem to be able to get off with doing this however for the white male they little realise the contempt it arouses in women as well as general mistrust about them actually being for the 'Ketch Anbang' and not with the 'open wallet'.

The Jamaican version also focuses, unlike the British version, a kind of "Faux Courtly Romance", which appeals to white girls, there also the danger of the forbidden, which sadly only black guys can carry off. However in these heady days of welfare supported mixed race people, who’s to say that such a strategy will really continue?

Even the professionals of Ketch Anbang can be left lethargic and disorientated after a week of solid game play.

British version[edit]

Oh love, you're obviously new around here... why don't you let me get you a drink and show you "around"...

~ A typical British competitor on a night out

British men like to get their prey with alcohol; due to its intoxicating effects the females can be more susceptible to the yellow toothed nerds which comprise that part of the world. There is also the practice of using drugs in drinks; however this is not recommend as Ketch Anbang scores are often rated on personal expertise.[3]

Many Brits are chiefly 'Breast Men' and gain points on cup size and thankfully not on their success on bra removal which is often concealed with utterly rubbish excuses such as, "The, clasp is different on this one, could you help me out?" Other scoring is compiled on not getting sued or having angry relatives complain about the 'traumatic experience' the player may have 'possibly' put their daughter through.

Unlike the Jamaican version however a great deal of time is spent on the persuasion of women, often utilising transactional analysis techniques and other psycho babble to persuade women that it’s their idea, not the Ketch Anbang player. As the quality of the women pursued goes form Polish immigrant to actual shaved and well adjusted women, this technique is tested to the max by the foul toothed British player.

American version[edit]

Lembit Öpik is the current UK champion of Ketch Anbang. His success has not been based on his looks, but his convincing advocacy of bullshit and the general public's support for unfortunate nerdy males in power.

Going to Law school about wraps it up, course the challenge is somewhat lessened and the rewards are somewhat less as most of the women there are prostitutes and will steal your wallet. The US version has been widely cited as being too easy and also too based on traditional white values to be a part of the sleazy world of a true Ketch Anbang player. Unfortunately also for the fat American male, the women don't require that much persuading, however they are often a good bit chubbier and there's always the risk of not knowing which end is which and as such not really developing a coherent score and this goes for any player.

Cquote1.png (Nasaly) I'm not going there unless it's air conditioned! Cquote2.png

American women are often very forward[4] and like to be ridden and also to make a fuss over minor matters. As such, Amerixcan girls along with the US method make for a poor score as they often Ketch Anbang the player himself. They may have kind of score or game of their own, but since women don't really gain actual pleasure from having sex with men, this seems unlikely. It could be that American girls are just easy for foreigners. As such their US system is universally regarded as poor and mediocre, much like their cars and soccer.


Alcohol and Drugs have been cited as being the solution for all obstacles in Ketch Anbang,[5] but these pioneering strategists have not stopped there, and have said that Ketch Anbang should not be practiced without them. As far as winning strategies, it's a bit difficult, as it depends on what kind of game you play.

Others advocate the smootchin' "Casanova approach", which entails flowers and other acts of deprecation and saccharin flattery. However to attain high scores are best attempted with Skanks as they are known and they won't appreciate this technique as they are from a rougher 'less critical background'. It is commonly advised to be a bit Casanova with posher women however most players are generally against it altogether unless an extremely delectable specimen is put forward.

Many say that the best strategy for longevity is working out and prolonging youth is the best way to keep Ketch Anbangin', however most give it up eventually as the game is difficult and eventually the rewards grow less as more 'spiritual riches' present themselves as a 'retired' player gets older.[6]


  1. ^  It's an antiquated institution which often eases up game play as married women are more suggestible.
  2. ^  Leering at 17 year olds isn't sleazy, got it?
  3. ^  After all who wants to bone some chick that can't go on top and take some of the effort after all the energy expenditure of Ketchin' her?
  4. ^  Very forward indeed. American Woman, I said stay away, dooo duh duh doo!
  5. ^  Of course, women these days are running feral so, you will probably want to be careful how much you depend on these methods.
  6. ^  A player might also find themselves growing up a bit and not really placing the same value on the game, or treating women like objects.

See also[edit]