The kidney is a noble creature, best known for its extremely overactive bladder and strange breeding habits. In fact, the urine of this creature is so strong it is classified as a WMD, and all Kidney breeding grounds and habitats are closely monitored by the CIA, the FBI, and a militant branch of the PETA, founded by Albert Einstein. Kidneys excrete small, round Kidney Beans usually once a week which dissolve if not treated properally. If buried in soft peat and watered with warm Pepsi, the kidney beans will grow into a Kidney Beanstalk, on which baby Kidneys grow.
There are 36 different kinds of Kidneys, ranging from the Blue-breasted Titular Kidney to the Brownnoser Kidney of Locust Grove, Georgia. They are normally distinguished by the differing properties of their urine and the color of a small appendage on the top of their head called the "peenous". For example, the most common type of Kidney, the Pissdrinker, has a red colored peenous and extremely acidic urine (-2 on the pH scale).
Kidneys are present on every continent, and Micronesia (a small island in the middle of the Pacific approximately 10 square feet in size). This island is believed to be, simultaneously, the originating place of the Kidney species, Atlantis, the underground base of Blargoth the Flatulant, and a nuclear weapons testing ground. On any given day at least one of these are true.
There are 4 zoos known to hold a Kidney in captivity. These are the London Zoo, the San Francisco Zoo, the Berlin Zoo, and the Tokyo Zoo. They are often the target of terrorist attacks, and protests by a crazed man with a ballpoint pen called himself Lord Penn. The Center for Disease Control has a few as well, though no one knows why because there is no recorded Kidney that shoots viral urine. In actuality, it's the pet of the lead researcher, who is Bill Cosby in disguise.
A wild Kidney usually eats the feces of any large, mindless mammal, such as Flesh Eating Bovines, elephants, polar bears, and Tom Clancy. Those in captivity have to settle for artificial feces, which is usually made from crushed-up recorded speeches by political candidates. However, they also partake in finer foods, include toxic waste and Rosie O'Donnell's body fat. They also have an intuitive understanding of French cuisine, which they use to make the shit smell good.