Killer Wooden Giraffes of Doom
“Many people say that the Holy Ones are man's best friend, next to dogs. This couldn't be farther from the truth; putting a dog next to a Holy One will result in the dog being eaten.”
“HOLY FUCKING ASS CRACKERS!!!”
The Killer Wooden Giraffes of Doom, often referred in short as the Holy Ones, are a race of deities that came to being sometime before our universe was created. A unique and curious race of omnipotent and omniscient beings, the Holy Ones have been known to be utterly ruthless, often through smiting and asplosion, though other means are occasionally employed. They have also been known to show a kind and caring side, which usually comes in the form of a sandwich; other times, rewards come in the form of what has come to be known as "sookination;" there is also a ravenous British variant of this, although it can't really be described. Both of these are reportedly extremely pleasing and utterly exhausting.
They are often also referred to by the acronym KWGoD; it should be noted, however, that it is utterly impossible for the human tongue to pronounce this. Should you ever hear a Holy One pronounce this, you will likely be struck deaf, blind, and be summarily raped by the Hoff. The Holy Ones tend to reside underground, and as such have developed a fondness for other subterranean critters, including ferrets and moles. However, the Holy Ones only interact with prairie dogs when they're eating one, as prairie dogs are known to be bat fuck insane.
- 1 History, Cultural Influence and Other Bullshit
- 2 Modern Cultural Influence, or, the Great Neckian Conspiracy
- 3 Affiliations with Other Animals
- 4 Trivia
History, Cultural Influence and Other Bullshit
A Long, Long, Long, Long, Long, Long, Long, Long, Long, Long, Long, Long, Time Ago - 1546
Art and books from various ancient civilizations indicate that the Necks have influenced virtually every civilization on Earth. Extensive documentation can be found by the Catholics, the Egyptians, and even the Aztecs. The Holy Ones' influence in the arts abounds; following 1546, many art pieces were retouched or even outright remade in order to remove the Holy Ones. Doctored pieces of art included The Last Supper, The Vitruvian Man, and even the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.
Many ancient myths have been influenced by the Holy Ones, although many have been changed in an effort to remove the Holy Ones from history (see below). For example, theologians and scientists alike now know that the Holy Ones were, in fact, the ones who created the world by coughing up various stars and planets whenever they got sick. Supposedly, when mankind was created, coughing up phlegm was included as a nod to this.
1546 - 1587
A minor scandal in 1546 saw the beginning of the downfall of the religion. A number of followers had taken to huffing small animals. What began as a minor transgression, however, turned quickly to sacrilege when they foolishly decided to huff a supply of baby giraffe. Despite doing this discretely on a hilltop in Bavaria, they failed to realize that the Holy Ones see and know everything. The hill was annihilated, and the girafflings teleported to safety in Africa. Remains of the blasphemers were found as far north as Oslo, and as far east as
Istanbul Byzantium Constantinople. Plenty of remains were also found to the south and the west, but strangely enough, they just didn't go as far.
Following the Giraffe Huffing incident, the followers of the KWGoDs went from powerful religion to pathetic cult virtually overnight. Nearly all of the Holy Ones' followers were targeted, regardless of whether they were Huffers or not. The judgment handed down by the Holy Ones, coupled with the harsh treatment being dished out by eager governments and pagan religions, drove many followers to renounce their faith. Few people remained loyal in their faith, and the religion all but died out by late 1547. While this greatly displeased the Holy Ones, they took an unusually passive approach; instead of simply smiting the entire planet right then and there, they mercifully let humans continue about their foolish ways. Knowledge of the Holy Ones was thus entrusted to four loyal clans, one for each cardinal direction:
- North: The Mayne Clan.
- Little is known about this British clan, other than that the current avatar and prophet of the Holy Ones is a Mayne.
- East: The Masashi Clan.
- One member of this clan, a certain Kishimoto, is responsible for the return of the Holy Ones to prominence in our modern culture, through art and literature.
- West: The Kennedy Clan (inactive).
- Attempts by the Kennedys to exploit the Holy Ones for their selfish ends have resulted in the smiting of several, including one famous incident in which a certain John Fitzgerald asploded. As such, they have been disowned by the Holy Ones. A clan worthy of the Necks has yet to appear; despite rumors claiming the Norris Clan is worthy, they just plain piss the Holy Ones off.
- South: Unknown.
- Evidence supports the theory that this clan was wiped out by Ebola. Whether this was a righteous smiting or they just had really shitty luck has yet to be determined.
During this brief time, followers of the Holy Ones were victims of many atrocities. The Holy Ones allowed this to proceed, correctly surmising that these trials would strengthen the resolve of the truly devout and thus would the religion persevere. While countless crimes were visited upon the faithful, ranging from rape and murder to putting butter in people's shoes, a number of atrocities stand out from the rest:
- 1551: The infamous Dover Plunge. Not much is known about this; the only surviving account states that an angry mob chased a small sect of believers to Dover, England, where one eyewitness reportedly remarked, "I wonder if this is how lemmings do it?"
- 1553: Just 4 days into her reign as Queen, Jane Grey - a devout follower - attempts to pass legislation that would've effectively forgiven and offer some protection to believers of the Holy Ones. Unfortunately, her reign only last 5 days after that.
- 1560: In retaliation for prosecuting scores of believers, a Holy One posing as a Turk brings tulips to the Netherlands. The Dutch have suffered from the irresistible urge to be gay ever since.
- 1585-1587: While a good number of people were able to avoid persecution by renouncing their faith, and fewer still by going into hiding, the Huffers simply were shit out of luck. Hiring some English bloke named Raleigh, they fled Europe and settled on Roanoke Island in present-day North Carolina and began to offer themselves to grues. Deciding that it was time to rid the world of this cancer, the Holy Ones smited the colony. Since then it has been labeled a "mystery" in an effort to avoid scaring young children.
1587 - Present Day
The Holy Ones, of course, didn't simply leave the party; instead, they patiently assumed a quiet role. They engineered many important events while they were gone; often, however, these many of these events have been greatly misunderstood:
- 1605: Guy Fawkes is hanged, drawn, and quartered. While Fawkes was blamed for attempting to make an entire room full of wig-wearing men asplode, his execution was actually the last recorded instance of human sacrifice to the Holy Ones.
- 1803-1815: A Holy One going by the alias Napoleon Bonaparte seized control of Frenchieland and immediately waged war upon the rest of Europe. While most scholars believe this was the attempt of a Holy One to destroy the world, this is nonsense. A KWGoD may have whatever they want; this Holy One in particular simply pitied Frenchies and decided a decade or so military prowess would give them better standing in the world.
- 1859: Darwin publishes The Origin of Species. However, he fails to realize that evolution does not apply to giraffes, who the Holy Ones made and placed on Earth. The Holy Ones were displeased, but realizing his error was an honest one, decided not to smite him. He was instead forced to marry his cousin.
- 1914-1918; 1939-1945: The KWGoD who assumed the role of Napoleon Bonaparte a hundred years earlier realizes his error in assisting the Frenchies. While initially blamed for both World War 1 and 2 in their entirety, this Holy One was actually responsible only for the smiting of the Frenchies; the escalation of each into large-scale wars was completely coincidental, although it greatly amused him. Also important to note is that Hiroshima and Nagasaki were in reality destroyed by KWGoD farts, after which the United States claimed responsibility in a tough-guy act. The Japanese fell for it, and the Holy Ones were mildly impressed.
- 1963: JFK pisses off the Holy Ones one time too many.
- 1999: Still pissed at JFK, a Holy One convinces his son that flying was as easy as passing the New York State bar exam. Historians have noted that the incidents regarding JFK and his son are both unrelated to the time a Holy One mistook Ted Kennedy's
whorefriend for a grue.
Modern Cultural Influence, or, the Great Neckian Conspiracy
The Holy Ones, though a historically significant race, have gained modern prominence through a religion formed in late 2006. This religion, which has yet remained unnamed, has remained relatively low key, as heathen non-believers still wield much power. Rumors have it that the religion has been hiding in a forum somewhere, possibly in a forum dedicated to goofy, perverted, Japanese anime characters, and is likely disguised as what has come to be known a "fanclub". Although this "fanclub" remains relatively weak in stature and influence, it has grown in size at a remarkable rate. The religion now not only publishes propaganda disguised as translated mangas, but also operates a forum home to eager dissenters and dedicated to converting the ignorant, heathen masses.
Imminent Incidents of Importance to those of Wooden Eminence
Affiliations with Other Animals
- Scientists have recently found evidence that Killer Rabbits, though unrelated, are possibly lackeys for the Holy Ones.
- The Holy Ones have a well documented fondness for ferrets.
- Giraffes hold a spot as close to the KWGoDs' hearts as any living being could hope to get.
- The Holy Ones hate prairie dogs, and so do you. You do, don't you? Good.
- Whatever you do, don't huff a baby giraffe.
- It has been over 460 years since a human has dared to huff a baby giraffe.
- Just because no one's sacrificed a human to the Necks since 1605, it doesn't mean they don't want us to.
- It is estimated that the Necks destroys and recreates the universe 31337 times per second, although no one really knows why. A tablet from an ancient civilization known to have studied this phenomenon was largely indecipherable, except for the phrase "shits and giggles."
- Golden Necks are the highest rank a member of the religion can attain, without being the Prophet himself. The Consort to the Prophet, while generally understood to be a Golden Neck herself, has higher standing than the other Golden Necks.