“IT WAS AWESOME!!!”
KIllzone is, quite possibly, the best game ever made. It took over four gruelling years to create, thankfully shortened by the introduction of a previously created 3D Engine, known as the "Sauce Engine". This allowed not only for developer Gorilla Games to meet harsh time constraints, but also to unleash some of the most fully sick graphics ever seen on the PlayBoyMansion 2. Microsoft was so horrified by the prospect of a so-called "Killer App" for Sony's console that they were inspired to create a killer FPS of their own, known as Halo. When prompted at 2004's ET gaming conference on what this game might mean for Killzone, the director simply pointed to his BELLA-MEN T-shirt and shook his head.
What followed four months later could not have been predicted.
A full-scale war erupted between the two most powerful companies in all the world, Microsoft and Sony. It was clear from the outset that Microsoft had the upper hand, due to it's highly efficient army and superior weaponry, and also some dude in a space marine suit called master chief. The only advantage Sony had was a mysterious combat-enhancement drug named 'nectar'. Unfortunately, development of the drug was pushed back over a year. By that time the war had ended. Dickheads.
The first shot was fired when, to the surprise of capitalist and communist alike, Sony released a deadly barrage of CGI movie, not only claiming it to have ultimate power over life and death, but also to have graphics from the Sauce engine itself. In retaliation, Microsoft unleashed a terrible, terrible beast of death and despair named Halo 2. It too, had claims of it's own, but these claims were more substantial, such as that it could eat a man's soul, as well as having a cover with a picture of a dude with dual SMGs on the front. Too everyone's horror, it was discovered that it did indeed have a picture of a dude with dual SMGs on the front. Later that week, Microsoft and Sony engaged in an intense Msn argument, which is reputed to have proceeded thus:
M1CR050F7: UR A FAG
PWNY: NO IM NOT
M1CR050F7: YES U R UR A FAG U MADE A CGI MOVY AND SED IT WAS REEL
PWNY: NO UR FAG
PWNY: U MAKE SH1T GAME AND SAY ITS LIEK 1337 AN SH1T
PWNY: LIEK YEH
M1CR050F7: UR A FAG
Intense shit, as you can plainly see. As the new millennium approached, governments began to speculate over whether they should over-hype Killzone or keep it secret as not to scare the unsuspecting world (who, as mostly Americans, are likely to think it's a real war and elect some retard to invade and 'help out'. It's not called Killzone: "Liberation" for no reason, y'know). In 2005, it was decided that Killzone needed to be known about. A mainstream simulation was created so people would know how to defend themselves. In 2006, a portable version of the simulation was invented for quick reference, codenamed Liberation.
The Fucking Game Already
The object of both Killzone and Killzone: Liberation is to suck as many fanboy cocks as possible within a predetermined timespan. The aforementioned cocks are suckled by means of grasping with the R1 and L1 buttons, and shaking the controller in a fashion not unlike wanking off. In retrospect, this was a great decision by the design team as the game's target audience was predominantly composed of utter gimps without a single muscle in their body, except for the wank muscle. This led 'don't-shoot-I'm-spectating' "competitors" Nintendo to release a console of their own, the first for over a decade (the gamecube didn't count). Naming it the Nintendo Wii, it was targeted towards the small audience sandwiched in between the vast bodies of those who are mature enough not to laugh at the name, and those too young to be trusted with electrical equipment. Unfortunately for Sony, these were the exact same type of people dumb enough to be fooled into getting Killzone (or Killzone: Liberation, for that matter). A bitter war (another fucking war! Jeez!) ensued, with Sony releasing yet another console to counter the ripples in the market brought about by Nintendo, the much hyped PlayWithMeSesame 3. Microsoft, not wanting to feel left out, made another (another?!? Fuck!) console, calling it the Xbox 360 (due to it's obvious circular design, and also to appeal to geometry nerds). Halo 3, the ever-present thorn in the side of both Sony and Killzone 2, was supposed to have been published alongside the Xbox 360, but Don't Jump (formerly known as Bungie) studios felt it necessary to include a detachable camera in the replay theatre, and so pushed the shipping date back by a year and a half.
Killzone Simulations and the Extent of Public Knowledge
The Killzone simulations have been instrumental in educating the public about this horrible war. The only problem is that the simulations have been made into recreational time-wasting virtual games rather than government 3D briefings, and was taken off from various Military station, execption of the Sydney Barracks. With people who hate Humanity, excluding Chaos Marines, to wonder endlessly into the internet-world became furrier, a total group of OVER NINE THOUSANNND furries also became "true" Helghans known as the "Nazis" saying that they can open a can of Wupass of Space Marines, and start to DIS the Tau's ABILITLY. With this, people of Warhammer had started the "Alliance", who said, "NO JOHN FREEMAN IS A ALLIANCE, SO HE OWNS" which started the "SPACE MARINES vs Helghast Civil War" saying that Helghans can own the faces off a Space Marine. Apparently, they haven't figured out that Ben 10 is the only alien strong enough to beat a Helghan and Four Arse. Yes thats right, Helghans are UNBEATABLE. recently a breakthough in 1834, it seems that a super human known and JAN TEMPLAR has the power to kill all Helghast. However he was beheaded by Oscar Wilde in Fallout 3..
Weapons of Killzone
One of the many reasons critics were so approving of Killzone was because of the amazing choice of weapons. Let's look at at a sample of the firepower at your disposal.
- M4 Handjobgun
- M82 Arseault Rifle (you gotta say that ain't funny...)
- M24 Desert Beagle
- HE LAG Grenade
- IvP-18 Uskhopov Combat Pistol
- M66-SD Silenced Submachine Gun
- M327-SD Silenced Subrocket Launcher (silenced??? lol. This game is fucked up)
- Emo knife
- StA-52 Sniper Rifle
- StA-32 Beam Rifle (That's right! Killzone had it first! You hear me? KILLZONE FUCKING HAD IT FIRST!!!)
- Covenant Carbine (This one too)
- M224 Heavy Support Weapon (undefined)
- BLR-06 Heavy Machine Gun
- Needler. Halos wep. but 300 times more badass
- Chaingun. Because of copyright laws against damned Microsoft this weapon was never correctly named.
- Lancer Assault Rifle. Killzone did have this first however a LEGION special ops team sent by the people behind Gears Of War successfully raided Guerrila base and removed it.
- Hailstorm. The Helghast version of Rico's Chaingun, exclusive to the Chimaera working alongside Helghast forces.
- M4 assault rifle. Primitive weapon compared to the normal weaponry used in the Second Helghan War, General Adams, uneducated because of his family having spent life looking for scraps in the slums of Vekta had trouble counting and believed that the M4 was actually a weapon of the future.
- Silenced Nuclear Missile Launcher (yes, this game was made by Adam)
- Silenced Flamethrower (now that's badass)
- Silenced-scope zoom x98^54 combat knife (more badass only for ninjas)-footage of this weapon being used http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Li7vmcCzWks&feature=related
Killzone and Chuck Norris
Just as the war reached it's fabled climax, where Ken Kutaragi and Master Chief finally did battle atop a mountain of fanboy skulls, the heavens opened up and Chuck Norris himself swooped down upon a banshee, splattering poor old Ken (he never did get much of a run, did he?) and beating Master Chief to death with a copy of The Orange Box. He then laughed triumphantly over his kill, before pulling off his mask Scooby-Doo style to reveal himself as the G-Man, and grabbing the flag and pissing off to score some serious points.
Despite wiping out an entire army of Helghast in the first game the blasted ISA are back for more, this time taking their war to Helghan (give them a break already). Sev, a battle-hardened soldier is intent on destroying Helghan in order to legalise drugs which the Helghast have been preventing for so long- they never wanted their frontline troops stoned on the battlefield- no, actually his mission is to destroy an Arc Tower, and yeah, he ends up killing that Visari fellow who started the whole illegalisation of drugs within the ISA. At the end, Sev finds Visari's hidden storehouse of drugs and Rico snatches it and makes his escape. Meanwhile, that Colonel Jan Templar, still annoyed as hell since Hakha stole Luger and ran off on him sends a special ops unit down to the planet, killing Garza by accident instead of Sev. 'Hahahahaha, I've got em' now- no that was the wrong man you idiot (insert 'bad' words here)'. Templar orders the team back to the Rising Sun - no that's Medal Of Honour - back to the New Sun and executes them all in the most gory moment ever seen in a video game (it makes Manhunt look like Manhunt 2). After this, Sev faces off against Rico in a climatic boss battle (remember that Rico is about 100 times the size of Sev) and Sev defeats him- then Sev takes the stash of drugs for himself and with a grin on his face, walks out with the drugs and gets sniped by Templar. The game ends with Sev's head exploding showering gore all over the screen... yeah, that's how it ends.
By the way, that doesn't exist yet.
The inferior minded people at Guerrila Games have commenced work on Killzone 4, not realising that they have not yet made Killzone 3. Anyway, there was some conflict between the game's developer and Sony concerning the fact that the ISA- secretly behind the making of the game (yes, Joris De Man is a Helghast) - could not count and had the game made for PS2 instead of PS3 or PS4 or whatever.
The game's developer - it turned out to be General Adams - was at war with Microsoft and therefore the game was never realised for PC or X-Box 360 (hahahaha, Bill Gates never got his hands on this awesome game).
The legalisation of drugs scenario was discontinued in this game as it was considered too mature for kids - however the assasination attempt on Dora The Explorer was included in the plot.
Famous Killzone players
- Bill Gates: (not really)
- The guy who made it and everyone else: Obviously
- Shock: The player who defeated all other players online... then they realised that it was a com
- (insert your name here): Yes, you are the undefeated player since Shock has been destroyed. Not really.
- Raptor Jesus
The game's music
Despite the original game's lack of in-game music, Killzone 4 is going to have the best music ever, with the finest beats and awesome instrumentation. The game's composer Joris De Man commented on the game's music as 'too good for you' and then he was fired and replaced by Harry Gregson Williams made famous by Metal Gear Solid. De Man, however because of his Helghast origin managed to regain his place in the company after an 'accident' left most of the company destroyed- after all, he is a Helghast.
Other composers who were supposed to be behind the game's composition were Clint Bajakian (Star Wars: Dark Forces) however he was killed in the Helghast assault on Vekta, Frank Klepacki (Command And Conquer) however he became deceased after Kane's resurrection and whoever the hell was behind the music to Medal Of Honour and SOCOM: US Navy SEALs.
I have to admit, so far this article has not been funny despite the fact I wrote most of the damned thing.
Characters Of Killzone
- Captain (later Major, later Colonel) Jan Templar
- The guy behind the drug smuggling operation, he don't like anybody who tries to mess it up for him.
- Sergeant Rico Velasquez
- This fool hasn't been promoted in two years despite the incredible amount of Helghast he has killed. It's what happens when you spend life in the slums.
- Colonel Gregor Hakha
- In charge of drug smuggling on Helghan himself, he fled down to Vekta to escape the destruction of the company he and General Lente spent so long to build. He never realised it was under attack until he was shot in the head four times...
- Scolar Visari
- The game's antagonist, he is the supreme leader against drugs. He is, however supportive of sadistic violence- if only Templar could change his operations...
- General Metrac
- Another of Visari's troops, he too is involved in the drug smuggling operations on Helghan itself.
- The common name for Helghast soldiers.
- (insert random Helghast soldiers name here)
- He just hates life. He arrives on Vekta, and is killed and killed again. And again for as long as Killzone is played.
- Yes, you... You are often seen around Templar's drug operations... and have gained reputation level 8 in doing so (wait, that's Scarface).
- Corporal Tomas Sevchenko
- He was called Sev for short as nobody else actually ever figured out how to spell his name. Templar considered him too dangerous and a threat against his drug operations, and at the climax of Killzone 2, he was sniped by Templar on his return to (insert random alleyway name here).
- Corporal Dante Garza
- Templar's LEGION special ops team killed this random ISA soldier when they were after Sev by accident.
I still haven't thought of this as funny... how can this happen?