Kim Jong-Ill

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kim Jong-Ill.
Don't be hatin' the Illmatic!


Kim Shellyboothbishop Ruinscape Arse Moonbreaker East Side Frodo Palin-Bachman Koopa P.F. Chang Jong-il 맅트레 킴보 (February 16, 1941-)(Who also has a brother, Men Ta Lee Ill) is a North Korean homie-G ,All around lover, and professional rapper and performer. As North Korea was so starved of entertainment and music, his fresh new style of hip-hop, "K-rap" (Korea Rap) was met with universal praise. As a result, ALL boundless praise is exalted upon for his eternal battle to vanquish those who do not believe in his Juche given status as guardian deity of the planet, most notable for being constantly and very seriously ill. It is for this reason that nothing much is known about him. Although, sources have found various sources linking him to renown dating site eharmony. It is apparent that Kim-Jong Il is looking to find a Caucasian woman to satisfy his needs and spend his money.

Kim Jong Il is also the greatest golfer ever! Did you know that in his first golf game he ever played, he got 3 holes in one on every hole? It's true, he also wrote seven operas in a year. He also participated in the world's largest gangbang and invented the theory of relativity(E=mcIllin). Kim also invented the Hamburger in 2005. Il is also widely credited for his discovery of masturbation while he was in Kindergarten, most likely stemming from his boredom in class. When his teacher asked what he was doing, he came all over his homework and stuck it to the wall, establishing his sexual dominance early on. At age five he lived in a castle that he owned even before he was born. It was there that he killed his brother at age five with a custom glock, just for the hell of it. Bulgasari

He is a master of the art of Pony Care, and has 13 ponies: Snowball, Snowflake, Snowman, Flakeball, Ballflake, Snowball, Ann Coulter, Sexuality, Wet Noodle, Wet Dog, Charisma, Pink Belly, and Kim Ill-Sung. Kim Jong Il created all the pony fag groups. He loves every one of his ponies like his father, Supreme Leader (And Celebrity Chef) Kim Ill-Sung. He aspires to be like Lord of the Rings Smeagle, and reads only books written by attractive women from countries he hasn't heard of. Kim Jong-Il also got his penis sewn on and he relies on anal sex to replenish his health. He recently was accused of bestiality when he reportedly had an orgy with all of his ponies in front of a Buddhist Priest.

In the very rare moments when he is not leading his shitty piece of land called a country or threatening the world with nuclear weapons, Kim Jong-il is also known worldwide for his pornographic career. In one porn video, Kim performed a deepthroat on Osama bin Laden and choked a few times for the sake of authenticity. It was later revealed that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recorded the intercourse. Kim Jong-il is also known worldwide for his fight for human rights and democracy. In 2012 he won the Nobel Peace Prize.

World Records[edit]

Kim Jong-Ill's Records[edit]

Note the great leader's white teeth, and weird chunk missing from hair.

Kim Jong-Ill holds a great number of records in North Korea, and worldwide.

  • Kimbo holds the current world record for longest consecutive time spent sniffing asbestos. In fact, he has done so regularly for 25 years. It has been suggested, but not proven, that this is the reason he is so ill.
  • Jong-Ill is the current world champion at playing guitar, air guitar, along with every other instrument.
  • Jong-Ill got the world record in basketball playing, and he is undoubtedly one of the best athletes in the world. There are currently no pictures available of his 1980's pick-up games.
  • Jong-Ill has the greatest drum set in the world in his basement, with the most drums and cymbals in the world. He is known to "spaz out" when someone or he "thinks" someone "definitely touched his drum set".
  • Jong-Ill has won the world championship in cooking the last 10 years with his dog meat specialties, like the "Hot Dog" and the "Junkyard Soup".
  • Jong-ill has utterly destroyed light pollution in his country, so that it will never be found by those pathetic cost cutting capitalist spy satellites
  • Jong-ill beat Chuck Norris in a fight. (LIES)
  • Jong-Ill holds the record for banging a guy and eating fried chicken at the same time the longest. He did this for 69 hours.
  • Got 11 holes-in-one in his first game of 9 hole golf
  • Jong-Ill is the only person in the world who can play all of Mozart's compositions with the harmonica while standing on the top of a mountain and breastfeeding a duck in thirty seconds.
    • In fact, Lil' Kim wrote all of Mozart's compositions when he was four years old.
      • And while doing that, he shot all the Nazis and commies by launching rockets from his left pinky.
  • Jong-Ill is also known to have masturbated into a sparrow's mouth for 48 hours straight eventually leading to his unwanted circumcision. This is known as North Korea's "Rocket Man" mission.
  • Jong-Ill holds the record for longest miner survival in Chilean Miner Farm.
  • Jong-Ill played a perfect game of Golf, scoring 18 on two non-consecutive occasions.
  • Jong-Ill has won multiple awards in fashion design with his hot green spandex jumpsuits

North Korea's great records worldwide[edit]

  • In Pyongyang they are the greenest and have the lowest electricity consumption in all the world's capitol (seriously!) (No income equals no electricity)
  • In Pyongyang they got the greatest shopping mall in the world with the most stores in the world. (Unfortunately, no one has any money to shop there.)
  • In North Korea they have the most gunpowder per capita in the world.
  • In North Korea they have the lowest crime rate in the world(because execution makes even the pettiest criminal go straight).
  • In North Korea they got the most soap in the world.(Human fat)
  • In North Korea, Reversal Korea North.
  • North Korea currently has the most barber shops in the world.
  • The North Korean soccer team has the most players in the world. (If you count slaves as players.)
  • In North Korea they have the best air in the world. (Sulphur and methane)
  • North Korea has the greatest dental care in the world as shown the picture to the right.
  • North Korea has the Wettest Dogs and Hard-Corest Pornographies ever publicly displayed in a government funded national museum. (See Kim Ping-Pong Il National Revolutionary Porn Museum for more)

Alternate Identities[edit]

It has often been suggested that Kim Jong-Ill is one or more of the following people: Big Brother, Shaquille O'Neal, Elton John, Fred Savage, Osama Bin Laden, Joe Biden, Freddie Mercury, Quentin Tarantino, Joy Behar, Eric Holder, Dick Cheney, Cheney's dick, Elvis Presley, Prince Poppycock, Anita Dunn, Cheng Kai Shek, Barack Obama, Daniel Tosh, Luigi, Haruhi Suzumiya, Fuckface, That guy and/or Chris Brown, but he's really all of them (at the same time).

Chairman of the MCs[edit]

During the 90s, Kim Jong-Ill took the Korean rap world by storm with vicious flows and Cult of Personality. At first using the name "Lil' Kim", due to his short stature and genital size, Kim allowed Brooklyn-born rapper Kimberly Jones to use the moniker, stating "Kim don' nee' tha' bitch shit, yo!", using the initials "KJI" instead. However, he later changed his name to "lil Kimbo" because he felt that it was a more marketable name. Indeed, though his personality was seen as the epitome of hip-hop self-aggrandizement, it also earned the ire of a lot of inferior rappers. MC Hammer was the first to fall to lil Kimbo in a freestyle battle when the belt holding Hammer's pants up burst due to the intense pressure of Kim's fast and forceful rhymes. Kim also rapped with Tupac, but when Tupac became too popular, it is believed he was raped with a zucchini by North Korea's state secret police, or possibly by a deranged Roy Rogers.

The Illmatic has recently opened a branch of his liquor stores across the US. Gangs have been reported in the vicinity.

Afterwards, lil Kimbo made a name for himself publicly humiliating other MCs during his live shows and with his newest mix tapes, drawing tears from NaS, Grandmaster Flash, Dougie Howser, and the Pope. Finally, when he insulted Eminem, it was believed that he had gone too far. However, even Slim Shady couldn't stand up to lil Kimbo' for long, and it remains the only feud that Marshall Mathers III has ever given up on. In the meantime, lil Kimbo's popularity rose as it became abundantly clear that as much as growing up in the inner city in America is rough, it's ten times as rough growing up in North Korea. He soon released his debut album "For all my hood". He once rapped, "Other niggas is just fakin'/They rap about eatin' pussies, but I'm the only one to actually bake 'em." "Huh nigga wat y'all gotta say now, you dun eat pussies." Shortly after this incident, Jessie Jackson bitch slapped Lil' Kimbo for over using the word "nigga". Next, Al Sharpton promptly marched on Washington DC while Lil' Kimbo laughed. Lastly, Steve Harvey revoked Lil' Kimbo's hood pass.

Current Pursuits[edit]

These days, The Illmatic is the 'dear leader' of North Korea, ever since his pimp diddy, Kim Il Sung, died in 1994. He also runs his own record label, K-rap Unit, which churns out all the best in North Korean rap music. He remains the only major music celebrity who argues that copying MP3 files over the Internet should be government-funded everywhere because music is "something fo' all dem comrades around the world to share, a'ight." He also owns the Al Qaeda theme park in Paris, where he frequently holds benefit concerts. According to American TV news anchor David Letterman, the park is managed by Kim's brother, Menta Li-Ill.

His protégées in the Australia include Daewoo motor corporation, a company known for its sub-standard levels of quality and safety. Being a keen propagandist, Kim Jong Ill recruited General Motors Holden (Australian Subsidiary of GM) employees to place holden badges on a range of Daewoo models to win public approval and brand loyalty.

His protégées in the United States include the Ill Posse, a hip-hop collective with over thirty members that talk about how real it is living on the streets, and how cool it would be to overthrow the government and establish a Socialist utopia.

Ryugyong Cthulhu Temple

His interests in occultism lead him into building a temple for Cthulhu, badly disguised as Ryugyong Hotel in Pyongyang. It will eventually be a landing platform for stupidly designed pyramid shaped spaceships.

The Kimster also recently had a starring role he attained in the famous flick 'Team Korea: World Niece' which netted a total 441 jillion ping-pongs (the N. Korean official monetary unit) at the box office, an equivalent of 17 million U.S. dollars, an equivalent of 0.1615 British pennies, an equivalent of approx. 1221 trillion Zimbabwean dollars.

Letterman, who makes the Kim beat something of a specialty, also reports that Kim has recently married, his new bride being Fran Drescher.

In the recent times, Kim Jong Ill/Il/II/2nd decided to expand his influence and business even further by starting a chain of his liquor stores in the US. There have been rumors of gang wars near the stores, but the their true cause is still unknown. Speculations say that gangs want to pledge their loyalty to the Illmatic the Great by trying to gain domination in the area. George W. Bush said he would declare war on Illmatic stores if the violence doesn't cease immediately. What will exactly happen is unknown, but it is said in various circles that Chuck Norris may intervene. In the case of a Chuck Norris shortage, a ICBM containing MIRMOABs has been prepared.

Kim Jong the 3rd has denied all connections to the outbreaks of violence.

He is presently in negotiations to participate in an Ann Coulter bukkake video.

Most recently, former United States President Bill Clinton took a trip to North Korea to bring back two detained American women. Robin Williams, who witnessed the event first hand, has described it in vivid detail. Kim Jong Il told Bill Clinton he wanted "the pictures he asked for and Clay Aiken". He had on his "big boy glasses.

Speculations have lead to believe Kim Jong Ill pre-ordered more than 25,000 copies of Call of Duty: Black Ops so that he could use it as a virtual training program for his troops.

Transvestite Antics in Pyongyang Girly-Man Bars[edit]

At night, he dresses up in hideously crap drag, and goes skanky in Pyongyang transvestite bars. He can often be seen lipsynching in a silky orange transparent negligee poledancing to "I Don't Know What to Do With Myself." In order to butch up his image, the Massed Peoples Choirs of Pyongyang have recorded a new song, entitled "How Rugged and Masculine is Our Fearless President Kim Jong-Ill"

Lyrics: Kim Jong-Ill is masculine and butch/ He never wears high heels/ His corset is only for medical purposes/ and he never utters girly squeals!!!

He never hangs around in skanky Pyongyang transvestite bars!/ Nor has he ever poledanced wearing only suspenders and a bra!/ He's our Great Patriotic Leader and that's okay!''

Prophecized death[edit]

According to time traveling transvestite Jackie Kennedy, Jong will be killed by a flying testicle launched from George W. Bush himself in 2010. After further analysis Jackie acknowledged this might not happen, as the victim of this event could in fact be a body double (probably the American comedian Bobby Lee).

Kim Jong Ill and father, Kim Il Sung, at Disney World. - Dad! Dad! What's that? - It's Mickey Mouse, son.

To ensure that public panic and confusion won't ensue from the prophecy, The Jong has benevolently sponsored a social program of wide-spread hunger, torture and misery throughout his hood.

Kim Jong-Ill making a speech about the time Ronald Reagan built him a golden toilet out of used napkins.It was shortly after this that the poledancing and transvestism stories broke... at which point he started singing ' I Don't Ro What to Do With Myserf"...
Kim Jong-Ill's hair to celebrate entering the Nuclear Club. Don King's fashion agency provided design consulting.

This is, of course, a complete falsehood. It is proven to be that the number of Kim Jongs at any one time can be only less then 12, as long as one of them is that remarkably unfunny Asian guy on MADtv. He masturbates to old korean womans in theses bars, goodness gracious!! But it is not surprising due to his old and eccentric personality, I mean age

We also hope Kim Jong-Ill gets hit by a missile from the Death Star made by Darth Vader in 2013.



Kim Jong-Ill was assassinated on 9/26/09 by a hired Chinese civilian assassin with a toothpick.

Quantum prove of total number of Kim Jong namespaces[edit]

Kim Jong Ill is written as Kim Jong III
If the son of Kim Jong III is named after Kim Jong III he'd be Kim Jong IIIII
This, of course, is silly. It should be written as Kim Jong V
Now Kim Jong V has a son and names him Kim Jong V II
We write this as Kim Jong V times 2 making it Kim Jong X
If Kim Jong X gets pregnant and has a boy or girl (doesn't really matter at this point)
this Kim Jong would get the postfix X II (pronounced K'SI).
X meaning 10 and II still meaning 2 comes down to 10 + 1 = 11, 11 + I = 11I. see!
Therefore with this Kim Jong 11I (or Kim Jong III (or Kim Jong Ill))
All permutations within the Kim Jong namespace are covered.

If any Kim Jong V would ever get get triplets all of reality would collapse into one quantum singularity due to the instability cause by the sudden change of the constant Omega that is directly linked to universally fixed variables like the maximum number of Kim Jongs that exist.

The Old School[edit]

Oh... And I forgot to mention The Old School. You see, the Old School is this wacky Montessouri elementary and middle school in the capitalist, fascist, imperialist USA where four kids, whose names are Glitterclux, subway24, Jack O'Neill and Bakugan 7, are obsessed with Kim Jung-Ill. The Old School plans to eventually invite Kim Jung-Ill to visit it.

It also plans to cook some perfect pizzas for Kim Jung-Ill. And maybe they'll give him some nice glazed donuts and cheese. Anything to please him enough for him not to give them pinatic surgery.

External Links Kim Jong-il profile on