Kimberly Keller

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Picture of Kimberly Keller in the 1930's during her reign as the mobster queen.

Kimberly Keller was born on October 13th, 1782 in London, England, but for personal reasons has legally changed her birth certificate to date November 9th, 1988. She was raised to become a goddess/savior for the dog population but has since retired to experience "normal" life as a Los Angeles girl, using her ability to shape-shift.

Life Summary[edit]

Born in London, England on October 13th, 1782. Begins reign as goddess of all dogs in 1789 at the age of seven, nine years ahead of schedule after the seige of the Bastille in Paris, France sparks the French Revolution as forseen by the dog high priestest and seen as an omen. Goes into seclusion in The United States of America after accidentally starting the War of 1812. Retires in 1920's to obtain the freedom to wear short skirts and to dance to ragtime and jazz. In 1942 appears in public using real name for the first time in a hundred and twenty years to gain credit for the invention of the atomic bomb. This press release was covered up until the government would feel the world was ready for such an invention. July 16, 1945 - World ready for atomic bomb. It is used as a weapon, instead of as a power source for calculators as Kimberly had originally intended. In 1953, she wrote a manifesto. No, wait, two. Two manifestos. And wins the Nobel Peace Prize, and an Academy Award, and five Pulitzer Prizes. Fakes death in freak Beatles concert fiasco to go into hiding in 1967. Reappears in 1995 as "normal" elementary student.

World Domination[edit]

Picture of Kimberly Keller somewhere during sometime in her life.

Information has recently leaked out from sources quoted in the Los Angeles Weekly World about Kimberly's recent plan to take over the world. "She is tired of the overall treatment of dogs. Even though she is retired from her profession of goddess, she can't stand the fact that owners force these heavenly creatures to sleep on the floor, eat rejected food, and put their lives in danger for humans," stated the source.

Kimberly has never shown any action of taking over the world, but has discussed it among close friends.

In the past people who blamed her for the War of 1812 believed she began it as a way to weaken the armies involved, to allow a smooth takeover of the region. Kimberly never started any such "takeover" however, and so the discussion continues in the political field of whether any action should be taken against Kimberly to ensure the world's safety.

The Repeated Prophecies[edit]

Feminine Articles
Articles About Feminine Issues

Kimberly has been known to make many prophecies during her life. The most important to humanity Kimberly has taken to repeating over her lifetime to help people understand the importance of her words. The "Repeated Prophecies" as they have been named, are as follows:

1. In the year 1313, a Golden Retriever named Angel will speak to the masses, telling all of a new religion in which the goal will be to raise the dead body of Kimberly and rejoin it to her relunctant soul once again.

2. A flying shadow will circle the world during a time of mice and scream, killing all cats.

3. A boy with shadows for skin will be wrongly named and wrongly treated. The boy shall find his true calling when smarter men discover his need for a mental institution. This boy will be the savior of a dying broadcast featuring alien races.

4. The "doggess" Heidi shall descend from the sky to bless dogs in need in recent times.

5. Rabbits shall eat human flesh after a golden mouse discovers the curative powers of humans. One human shall remain unbitten: Kimberly's sister, the almighty and powerful (but not that much) Kristine who shall rule the rats of the world.

6. The French language shall be switched with English during the Time of Confusion.

7. Spaghetti shall rain down from the Doghouse.

8. Certain people shall die, their death shall be caused by the evil kittens and spiders from the Litter Box. These people's names shall not be spoken, but they know who they are....

9. Belts shall be over-produced in the Turn of the Millennium leading to a new, overlooked food source.

10. Hello

11. All babies shall be born twins for one year chosen by the Chosen Talking Sword of London.

12. Humans shall live on the floor and shall be petted by the canine owners beginning in the year 1314.

13. Doom shall reign gleefully starting in the year 2007 and lasting sixty-two years until the Crusader of Death appears at a blue door connecting an enclosed space to the world.

Picture of Kimberly Keller after seeing a cat.

Daily Life[edit]

Now that Kimberly has morphed into the appearance of a "normal" girl, she has reached a slow, uneventful time in her life. However, only the actually "normal" people surrounding her believe this lie. In reality, Kimberly has begun her reformation of the human race, reminding pet owners to pet their dogs, unleashing violence unto unsupecting, yet deserving, wrongdoers, and creating an overall fantasmo atmosphere in every place she visits.

If one were to approach Kimberly be careful to not startle her, as her reactions are quick, and she can fly. The best way to greet her, is to present a gift of uncountable amounts of American dollars to her while kneeling. However, be careful to not do this in public, for she prefers a sense of calm about her. If one fails to do this act she will be offended and may smite you.

Making Kimberly's long-lived life better is always the better choice when choosing how to spend one's life, since its benefits are great. Kimberly has many great and mysterious powers and may grant you the blessing of a puppy if one their rare time spent with Kimberly correctly if one is lucky. The best way to receive a blessing from Kimberly is legended to be to rid the world of the evil soul with the initials JMP. Whether this age-old legend is true, only time and bloodshed will tell.


  • In 1892, Kimberly invented Limbo, the game as an alternative to working in coal mines. Also she loves kicking a Filipino guys (Usually Named David)
  • Keller once consumed an entire 32 ounce brick of Philadelphia Cream Cheese while giving Orson Welles a hand-job. Welles responded by reinventing the genre of film and consuming the planet Cybertron.


Due to the laziness of readers in recent times, a quiz has been issued to keep people awake. No cheating class, the invisible eyes of the Flying Spaghetti Monster are upon you...

1. How many time have the words Kimberly, Kimberly's, or Kimberly Keller been used? (hint: they are the only words in bold)

2. What is the airspeed velocity of the African Swallow?

3. Who invented the paperclip?

4. Est-ce que tu vas au cinema?

5. What is your name?

6. Who is JMP?

7. Who does she like to kick?

8. The End...?

The answers after this message from our sponsor!!!

Are you tired of your humdrum life? Do you just want to end it all? Then Sugar-Encrusted Wheaty Fruit Puffs is the cereal for you!!! Fortified with nothing but the highest-quality bio-hazardous chemicals, it's sure to give you that jump-start you need while teaching you the importance of brushing and flossing after every meal. Guaranteed to improve your love-life, work-life, and magical high school grades, the burst of acid in each bite let's you know it's working to improve everything and anything you ever thought boring!!! Buy some today before we make the box smaller, claim it was always that size, and jack up the prices!!!

Warning: Sugar-Encrusted Wheaty Fruit Puffs has been known to cause side-effects such as sneezing, itching, increased plaque, and death. If you have recently had a stroke, are pregnant, or need to breathe air and/or retain high levels of blood to survive, Sugar-Encrusted Wheaty Fruit Puffs may not be for you. Consult a doctor before consuming.

And we're baaaaaaaack!!! The answers to the quiz given before the break are as follows:

1. 42

2. 42

3. 42

4. 42

5. 42

6. A dead ratfink.

7. 42

Thank you for participating in our nationally-televised internet quiz!!! Good luck next time and remember: rugs are helmets, not pets!!!

Important Pictures[edit]

Bugsy Siegel.JPG Alberteinsteintongue.jpg Virginia Hill at Kefauver hearing.JPG Keller