King Columbine II

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King Columbine II (b. 1948 - Anno Domini) is the God King of Columbinia, a small vassal kingdom in the western United States approximately the size of a high school. King Columbine is known as a benevolent, and merciful god, but was the target of a very high profile assassination attempt in which the would be assassins missed 12 times, killing everyone but King Columbine.


His exalted highness ascended to the throne of Columbinia in 1995 at the tender age of 47. Prior to being God King, Columbine worked as an Englandistani History teacher in the Kingdom. As is traditional in Columbinian politics, Columbine II became King by assassinating King Columbine the Elder.

His Reign has been a Jocktocracy marked by peaceful tolerance for the Goths. But, in 1999, the Goths repaid his tolerance by attempting to assassinate and overthrow him. Two Gothic leaders, Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, attempted to assassinate King Columbine and to overthrow his Jocktocracy.

King Columbine valliantly resisted this attempt to overthrow the social order by running away and hiding behind his students/subjects. When he ran out of students, he heroically hid and defecated behind a bush.


A soon to be released, made for TV movie, entitled King Columbine's Revenge will explore King Columbine's quest for revenge against Harris and Klebold. The movie is technically a prequel because of the use of a time machine.

In 2006, King Columbine used a time machine to go back in time to stamp out the possibility of the assassination attempt. Going back to 1573, King Columbine attempts to confront and destroy Harris and Klebold's great great (times 25) grandparents, then brother and sister. However, this attempt failed when King Columbine was distracted and lured away from his task by the Spanish Inquisition.

Trapped in 1573, King Columbine's fate remains uncertain. The movie is expected to air on the Lifetime Network, so it is likely no one will ever find out what happened to him.