King Ghidorah (born Maxwell Bartholomeau Ghidorah I) was a giant three headed dragon monarch born to King Sven and Margaret Ghidorah. King Ghidorah remains to be one of the few monarchs that will fucking kill you for no real reason at all. Maybe you're hiding bombs, or molesting children, or hiding children and molesting bombs, who the fuck knows these days? Your fellow citizens have even more blood on their hands. Ghidorah encourages people to eat genetically enhanced fruits, lock themselves in their homes, and watch preselected television. What it really comes down to is that you can choose if you want to do that and that's what makes America great--er wait, no you can't and no it doesn't. Sorry folks.
Ghidorah has three heads, all of which shoot lightning. This is useful for killing people.
Maxwell was born in a small British ragamuffinroger factory in west Philadelphia,but was fucked out of there and was sent to Nanuet New York where he spent most of his days, despite needing to use his heads to do most things as a result of a lack of arms. He went to all the schools in the Nanuet district. Reports indicate as a teen, that he was chillin' out, maxin', all coolin', all shootin' some b-ball outside of the nanuet middle school, when a couple of guys (reportedly up to no good), started makin' trouble in his neighborhood. He got in one little fight and his mum got scared and said, quote, "Your movin' with auntie and uncle in Bel-Air!" Ghidorah then whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "FRESH" and it had dice and the mirror.
"If anything, I could say this cab was rare", Says Ghidorah on CNN, "but, I thought, man forget it. Yo holmes, to Bel Air!" He arrived at the house at about seven or eight and looked at the cabbie and said, "Yo holmes smell ya later!" He looked at his kingdom, he was finally there, to sit on his throne as The King of Whatever.
But, the good times couldn't roll forever. It wasn't long before he was spotted partying with many notorious higher-ups, like The Mysterians, The Xilians, even spotted having an affair with Mothra. "It was pretty fucked up.", Says Maxwell "Lil' G" Ghidorah Jr., "It wasn't just a weekend thing ya know? All the time he was out late with that Gigan fella and Destroyah. They'd have monster 'wrestling' matches and snort everything from coke to kittens to Drug X. That was the hard shit."
It was all a very slippery slope, and he sure as hell didn't buy shoes with good traction. But, one day a major event turned his whole perspective on life inside out and really, it's anybody's guess if that's good or not. Regardless, this event was major. His uncle, Phil Ghidorah, the then reigning Fresh King Of Bel-Air was shot in the head by Moguera Lee Oswald. It was the fall of an era for all his supporters (which were about three semi-retarded hill-billy children). This left Maxwell as the new king.
Kingship and Other Political Shit
While this all may sound pretty fucking boring to you, sit down and you might actually learn something. King Ghidorah was still being sworn in and he had already showed up drunk with a five o' clock shadow and a quarter-full forty of Jagermeister. After this lackluster rampage--er,entrance--he (quite literally) swore on the Bible saying, "I AM THE DAWG, BITCH! I swear to fuck the fuck, the whole fuck, and nothing but the fuck. Heheheheh, you said 'but' and 'fuck' in the same sentence!" This was only the first part of his long and incoherent speech. "The speech was actually about the dark corners of a man's soul and the pain and suffering of kindergarten. No one really caught that," says Marilyn Manson. Others speculate that he was just rambling out random bullshit, which was probably closer. Ghidorah's ass-kicking way of getting things the fuck done had already won over the public. His first decree as king was "If you step on my toes, I'll fuckin' kill you."
"95% of his sentences involved fucking killing you after that, and 100% of his sentences had either shit or fuck in them," his son confesses. Notably, during his reign, outputs of "Fucking Killing You" skyrocketed that year and he still holds the record for "King Who Has Fucking Killed The Most People". He remains one of the many politicians who has no political power and just knights people. On the other hand, boy did he fucking kill people!
Rivalry with Godzilla
Maxwell and Godzilla were once good friends...wait...no,they weren't. Maxwell and Godzilla were once bitter enemies and still are. It all started at Ray Liota's spring break party, where they both got drunk and had a heated argument about The Fucking Killing You Paradox which turned into a bar brawl. The fight ended with blood, but when the fight was broken up, they both got so drunk they forgot what happened and got into the same fight again. "It was the final fucking straw," said Godzilla in retrospect. "You good tell right then and there that I was gonna fucking kill him.", Ghidorah replied in an interview. In the same article, Mecha-Dracula, a party guest, explained that "...nobody knew what the fuck was going on and they still don't, including Godzilla and all three of King Ghidorah's heads, but someone was pissed." The rivalry still goes on today and whenever they meet they inevitably do the same thing.
List Of Things and people he likes
- Ice Cream
- Ronald McDonald
- Seth Green
- Mecha King Ghidorah
- John Kerry
- Dancing (as the three-headed twist)
- Petey Piranha
People and things he hates
During his fun-loving, hard drinking, coke-snortin' days as the prince his Uncle Phil Ghidorah lined him up a meager acting career. While young Max G. had the acting talent of dalmatian he quickly rose to stardom with death threats and many times just plain deaths. He had starred as the fan-favorite "Guy Who Orders Taco" in the blockbuster hit Daaaaaaamn! Sam L. Jack Is Back, but it wasn't until Dogshit Roller-Coaster (Of Love) that he gained wide-spread popularity. He had struck a chord with fans. He then had some very short, but of high regard, cameos on Kinnikuman's TV show. It is of note that Suguru and Max had an off-set fight that was recorded, but only available to the public in the form of a DVD made and named illegally by the infamous FUCK, Inc. Two versions were available, one called The Sotrm (an anagram of storm that means nothing) and Vince McMahon Wants To Fuck YOUR Wife . It wasn't until much later that he got his most famous role as himself in the classic Godzilla 3 Ghidorah! Ghidorah!.
Originally the movie was meant to be a buddy comedy film called Shit Is It, But Nice Is Twice, but the director made the mistake of having Godzilla and Ghidorah act in the same movie as their many drunken fights were not yet caught in the public eye. While recording the first scene they started another brawl and tore up fucking everything. With the entire studio burned to the ground,they dragged their fight into downtown Tokyo and all hell broke loose. Godzilla eventually became the winner, but only due to 'Zil finding a can of spinach. While it completely ruined director Som J. Apaneezeguy's original vision (and killed millions of people), it ended up being his lucky break as the entire fight was caught on tape.
"Basically, I added some nonsensical bullshit about an invasion of cockroach people and some screaming Japanese people and called it a day...and it turned out to be the highest-grossing film of 1991...so what the fuck do I know?", said Som in an interview. On the twentieth anniversary of the movie King Ghidorah edited together his very own version of the film, re-released as The Fucking Killing You Cut. Ghidorah regards it as "The fucking best!", probably because: A) He was drunk at the time or because B) He wins in that version. Interestingly enough, he added a very odd alternate ending as a bonus feature which was never suggested or even thought about in original filming and doesn't at all make coherent sense in the context the rest of the movie or the clip itself. The scene is in black and white and features Godzilla with a backwards cap walking out of a convenience store as with Ghidorah sporting a beard and attending the register mumbles, "I wasn't even supposed to BE here today!"
Then a burglar walks in and shoots him in the head, the camera pans to the killer's face and reveals it to be Ghidorah robbing the store. It pans back over to the dead Ghidorah and plays of montage of scenes depicting rape from various movies to Frank Sinatra's I Had A Very Good Year. Critics who survived the viewing killed themselves, with one writing in his own blood the only known review:
"Treeo Thumbs Up!"