King Harkinian

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King Harkinian
The Legend of Zelda character
Harkinian the pervert.JPG
First game Link: The Faces of Evil
Created by Dale DeSharone, Jonathan Meritt
Designed by Igor Razboff
Voiced by Colin Fox
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Wikipedia doesn't have a proper article about King Harkinian. It really wouldn't help those so-called experts by writing one either.

King John Harkinian otherwise simply known as The King is a character in The Legend of Zelda CD-i games. Created by Animation Magic, he first appeared in the beloved Legend of Zelda animated series, and subsequently appeared in the games Link: The Faces of Evil and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. He is voiced by Colin Fox.

Throughout the games, King Harkinian is portrayed as the obese, unintelligent, but lovable and deranged ruler of Hyrule. He is widely known for his catchphrases "Mah boi" and "Dinner", as well as his appearances in thousands of YouTube Poops.

the great king of Hyrule
The King with his goblet, as usual

Personality[edit]

The king engaged in deep thought, wondering what's for dinner

King Harkinian is a rather jolly, yet gluttonous and incompetent ruler of Hyrule. Renowned for his great obesity and simple mind, he is widely regarded as the least inspiring video game character ever. His hobbies include getting drunk on wine and various other alcoholic beverages, eating dinner, forcing his enemies to scrub all the floors in Hyrule, pondering what's for dinner, saying "Mah Boi", and eating dinner. Despite his jolly and gluttonous demeanor, the king is noted for having some courage. Unfortunately, having no magical powers or combat skills, and being a middle aged lard-arse, this only results in him being defeated or captured by his enemies. On a related note, the king is also rather fond of dinner and spends countless hours feasting on alongside his loyal subjects.

Early Life[edit]

King Harkinian's only-known baby picture.

The eldest and portliest son of the mighty Burger King, his father attempted to give King Harkinian a proper education, enrolling him in expensive private schools. However, the king benefited little from this, receiving very poor grades and spending his time drinking, partying, fornicating, and wondering what's for dinner. Despite his lack of ambition and intelligence, the king did manage to graduate, most likely because of his father's "gifts" to the school.

King at 16 after his surgery.

Born with a rare disease known as "Bearded Baby Syndrome" (BBS), Harkinian was often looked at with scorn. Instead of joyous cries of, "What an adorable baby!" the Burger King received remarks such as, "Could you shave your baby, please?" and "Wow, I bet when he grows up he'll be fat and wonder what's for dinner all the time." about his first born son. This disease eventually led into the King having a rough teenage life, and eventually forced him into having plastic surgery later in life. However, due to Hyrule's poor medical treatment, the plastic surgeon somehow ended up darkening the King's skin tone along with removing his beard. He was black to about age 16.After that he started getting white patches on his face, which probably were caused by bad dinner. At about 19 he just got treatment to make all of his skin white instead of having the white patches.

As a child, the king was quite effeminate, preferring to play with girls and do such girlie actives as jumping rope, playing with barbie dolls, wearing dresses, going shopping, painting fingernails, and wondering what's for dinner. This obviously displeased Harkinian's father, the Burger King, who attempted to make his son more manly by exposing him to more masculine recreations and "beating teh ghey" out of him. This proved successful, and by the king's teenage years, Harkinian became a noted womanizer, having several mistresses.

King at 19 as a teenager after his skin treatment and (after his plastic surgery).

At around 14 years old, Harkinian became very dissatisfied with his appearance (his beard in particular). He had lower self-esteem than ever, and was constantly harassed at school. Once he was old enough to get a job, he decided to save up for plastic surgery. Working hard in his father's restaurant chain, he was finally able to afford his beard-removal surgery at 16 years old. "He would've had it sooner," his first manager recalls, "If he wasn't eating all of the food instead of selling it!"The treatment lasted for awhile but his beard started growing back when he was 28 and he had a full beard again.He didnt shave it off because he thought he looked like Barry White.

Quotes[edit]

“Right! What's all this then, you know these two?”

“And how is it that a nice hardworking kid like you would know a couple of bums like these two?”

“That's what I figured. Well boys, that's gonna add a little more time to your sentence.”

“Aye, giddy up there!”

~ King Harkinian on to his horses

“Mah boi, this peace is what all true warriors strive for!”

~ King Harkinian on holding his Over-Sized goblet

“Hmm. How can we help?”

Zelda, Duke Onkled is under attack by the evil forces of Ganon. I'm going to Gamelon to aid him.”

~ King Harkinian on getting AIDS from Duke Onkled

“I'll take the Triforce of Courage to protect me. If you don't hear from me in a month, send Link.”

“Don't worry, Zelda. The Triforce of Wisdom promises the king will safely return.”

~ Impa

“Enough! My ship sails in the morning.”

“I wonder what's for dinner.”

~ King Harkinian on the meaning of life

“That old Ganon is no match for the King!”

~ Link on King Harkinian's Dinner Blaster

“You've saved me!”

“After you've scrubbed all the floors in Hyrule, then we can talk about mercy! Take him away!”

[laughing]

~ Princess Zelda, King Harkinian

“I'm mean and I don't like anyone to have any fun!”

“Oh, this looks like a lot of fun!”

“You!”

“Attack!”

~ King Harkinian on to his carrot robot minions

“Ahem.”

“My time is ever, you're giving me a headache. Take them away!”

“Whoooo! I'm so good in fairy singing, Lord Snooty gave me imprisoned in this darn castle, it makes me work all day!”

“Snooty's a jerk, he doesn't like anyone to have any fun. He takes all the fun stuff and locks them in this big old safe!”

“Shame on you, that's absurd, very bad fun!”

“No,there's one more.”

“Oh yeah?”

~ King Harkinian on holding the crystal potato

“What are you going to do that, dude?”

“OAH!”

“Tell me to shut up!”

“I'll tell you what Lord Snooty gets a duel act!”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Oh, she's not imprisoned. She just says that so people will do her chores for her.”

“Now, Snooty, why do you wanna take away everybody's fun, man?”

“'Cause it's fun!”

“'Cause it's fun!”

“Now, Snooty, there's enough fun in that magic potato for everyone to enjoy!”

“Not any fun! Gimme!”

Rebellion[edit]

The Kings sister, co-leader of the rebellion against the Burger King

Under the Burger King reign, Hyrule was quite prosperous, but the people grew displeased with many of the Burger King's autocratic laws. The Burger King had outlawed all fast food restaurants beside the Burger King, and heavily regulated sit down restaurants and food stands to protect the royal monopoly on fast food. Additionally, the Burger King outlawed any attempt at unionization in his restaurants, on the grounds that it was a government enterprise.

The last straw came when the Burger King instituted conscription for his restaurants, to deal with a labor shortage and keep wages down. Naturally, the time was ripe for Harkinian to lead a rebellion against his father. However, he was too busy feasting and fornicating to realize or care. Despite, or perhaps, because of his utter incompetence and complete indifference to the welfare of the kingdom, the rebel leaders offered Harkinian the crown if he supported the rebellion.

Initially, Harkinian was hesitant to rebel against his father. To incite Harkinian, the rebels introduced him to McDonald's, KFC, Wendy's, and other outlawed fast foods. The young prince Harkinian became addicted, and joined the rebels.

After several years of civil war, the rebels proved successful, and the Burger King fled the country. His despotic laws were repealed, and new fast food restaurants appeared in every city, much to the new King's pleasure.

The Invasion of Koridai[edit]

You bitches don't know bout Mah Boi!

While King Harkinian was in his throne room drinking wine, as usual, Link made a rather strange comment about being "bored" with the peace in Hyrule following his countless beat downs of Hyrule's nemesis Ganon. The King replied that this peace is "what all true warriors strive for". What warriors the king referred to, nobody knows nor really cares. At that moment, Gwomam (or has he better known by his hundreds of fans, "Squad-Allah!") arrived on his magic carpet (which is every Arab's choice of transportation) and informed that Ganon had seized the island of Koridai.

The King, being the ruler over Koridai, believed that for some unknown reason, it was his responsibility to liberate Koridai. Being perplexed by this issue, the King asked how he could help. Gwomam informed him that only Link could defeat Ganon, which was fortunate as the King was planning on sending an "army" and a "navy" to reconquer the island. Fortunately, Gwomam banished such foolish thoughts from the King's mind. Thus, Link set off on his quest to save Hyrule. The king decided to stay at home and ponder such deep philosophical questions as "What's for dinner?"

The Rebellion of Duke Onkled[edit]

After Link single-handed defeated the army of Gannon, Harkinian received a distress signal from his apparently richer and much less obese cousin Duke Onkled whose island was under attack by the evil forces of Ganon. Getting off his lazy ass for once, Harkinian decided to go aid his cousin. Zelda questioned his actions, but the King claimed he would take the Triforce of Dinner to protect him. Impa also assured Zelda the fat oaf will return. Before setting off on his adventure, the king asked whot was for dinner. He spent the rest of the night stuffing his face with various items, like every other night.

And so, the king left for Gamelon in the morning. Unfortunately, a month parssed and the others are rarther surprised the king has not reeturned. Zelda was worried, but Link assures her that, "that old Ganon is no match for the king." (This was complete bullsh*t.) Zelda then sent Link to find her farther, but was shocked when even Link doesn't return, so she set off to find her obese father and effeminate boyfriend herself.

In the end, the king was rescued thanks to the efforts of his loyal subject Fari (the residing mexican), and the treasonous Duke Onkled was brought to justice. Onkled begged for mercy, and much to his surprise, Harkinian merely forced him to scrub all the floors in Hyrule (unlike sentencing him to a slow and excruciating execution, as other kings would do) however the Cruelty behing this apparently leniant punishment soon revealed itself, around the hundredth floor Duke Onkled's hands were riddled with terrrible sores and blisters, these soon opened up and bled ambiguously, when the King saw the terrible bloody mess left on the floors of Hyrule he ordered him to begin again, He is still scrubbing to this very day. Link then somehow was released from a mirror and arrived just in time for him to join the king in his hourly feast.

Sith Lord[edit]

the evil Sith Lord, Darth Gluttonous
Darth Gluttonous after the "accident"

After the defeat of Duke Onkled, the King began to be attracted by power of the Dark Side. Eventually, Darth Meesa chose the King as his apprentice, giving the King the title of Darth Gluttonous, and trained him in the ways of the dark side. Eventually, the King grew powerful enough that he was able to force even the most powerful of Jedi's to scrub all the floors in Hyrule. He was even able to make Mace "Samuel L. 'Mother Fucking' Jackson" Windo yield to his awesome power, although doing so required the use of several snakes and a couple planes.

Fortunately, the King was immune to the corrupting powers of the Dark Side, similar to how the Hobbits of Middle Earth are more or less immune to corrupting power of the Ring of Sauron. It turned out that the king's sloth, gluttony, and near constant state of sheer drunkeness made him immune to the hatred and power lust of the Dark Side.

The King, after realizing that his lacked the power of the force, how horrible he was with the lightsaber, and that all the floors in Hyrule had already be scrubbed by Jedi several times over, gave up on the whole "Sith Lord" thing. Additionally, he had also come to believe that Darth Meesa was not the real Master Dark Lord of the Sith, but a lame impostor.

Stroke and Recovery[edit]

The King, shortly after his stroke

Shortly after is rejection of the Dark side, the King suffered a massive stroke. Some say this was due to the evil midichlorians leaving his body after his rejection of the Dark side. Others say it was a punishment from the Heavens for the wicked deeds of the king. However, the King's doctors generally agree that it was due to cholesterol clogging the king's arteries because he's a fat lazy bastard. Though the truth behind the truth was that the event that ultimately led to Harkinians seizure is Ganon's evil plan to feed him a triple meat triple cheese greasy burger.

For several days, the king would repeat the same phrase and motion over and over, for up to 9 minutes, 59 seconds. Many of these instances were recorded for medical purposes, and even more were recorded by Link because he found the king's suffering quite hilarious. Fortunately, the king somewhat recovered, and is now able to function normally.

Presidency[edit]

King-President Harkinian I of America

The King decided after his stroke that he wanted to do something more with his life than just be a king and do nothing but gorge himself on feasts all day and wonder what was for dinner. Ao he decided to run for President of the United States in 2012, leaving Hyrule to be ruled by Ganon. He also decided he'd get more support if he was black.

Like Obama, he had an operation to bring him back to his African American self. He promised all of America free dinner and that all crimes will be punished by "scrubbing all the floors in AMERICA!" People were amused by the King's simplicity, someone they'd want to have a beer with (in Harkinian's case, wine) and he won the election by a landslide. Harkinian did run into some trouble when it was determined that he was not a natural born U.S. citizen, but it turned out, like with the Kenyan born Presidents Obama, Clinton, and Ford, nobody cared.

Everyone was moved by Harkinian's Presidential Inauguration speech, "MAH BOIS, THIS PEACE IS WHAT ALL TRUE AMERICANS STRIVE FOR!" even though we were already in 2 wars. Unfortunately the King's presidency went down as the worse presidency in the world, since America went into a great depression and shortage of food thanks to Harkinian's "free dinner for all" law. Also criminals were thriving since they were able to be released after scrubbing all the floors.

Harkinian also declared war on the whole world because he wanted to take all the dinners for himself and gorge on different ethnic feasts. He also brought back slavery to have all non-whites help the criminals scrub on the floors. Unfortunately for Harkinian, his new law backfired on him and since he was now African American, he would have to do what he feared most, scrub all the floors!.

Unable to cope with the scrubbing, Harkinian said "ENOUGH, my ship sails in the morning". He left America in utter turmoil to go back and rule Hyrule once again, getting an operation to return him to the white fat drunken bastard we all know and love. Hyrule's people were much less than pleased, for they found Ganon was a much more competent leader than Harkinian would ever be.

Obsession with Dinner[edit]

It is theorized that, as a child, Harkinian was grossly underfed. The Burger King hoarded all the food to himself while his helpless son questioned him about what's for dinner. The Burger King got annoyed by this; he eventually suffered a breakdown, yelling at his son to "ASK SOME OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE WHAT'S FOR DINNER IF YOU'RE SO FUCKING HUNGRY!!" Young, impressionable Harkinian had nowhere else to turn so Rosie O'Donnell took the innocent youth into its care. All day, Rosie fed him whatever he wanted... Harkinian was living his dream. He would never question about dinner again... or so he thought. Rosie became an alcoholic and left its adopted son in the streets. Harkinian, alone and confused, was back to his old self; starving and alone. He eventually starting pillaging towns and raping their women just to get a meager dinner for the night. As he showed his dominance, he would yell out "I WONDER WHAT'S FOR DINNER!" The townspeople had a breakthrough and started feeding him, but it was in vain. Harkinian just kept asking. Eventually, the people made him King since he'd already proven his dominance over them. The King appointed a helper, Link, and made a child, Zelda. When Zelda should've been making him sammiches, she was off doing some other stupid feminist shit. King Harkinian would then be fated forever to tell his only true remaining friend "I wonder what's for dinner."

War Against the Eluryhians[edit]

On April 3, 2018, the country of Hyrule went into war with the country of Eluryh. The king of Eluryh, King Nainikrah, said, "I want all the gold in your kingdom." King Harkinian said, "No way you son of a bitch! I declare war!" Harkinian and Naininkrah started dropping nukes and sending soldiers to each other. Then, in October 25, 2026, Harkinian's royal scientists finished inventing the clone chamber. They cloned Link and there were two Links. These two Links killed all of Naininkrah's soldiers and even Nainikrah himself on August 26, 2029. Nainikrah's daughter, Adlez, became queen of Eluryh. Queen Aldez decided to surrender because of all the soldiers she lost. Hyrule won the war!

That's how bad the war against the Eluryhians was.

Recent Events[edit]

The King has also been involved in several video games
The King stared in the hit TBS comedy, Mahbois.

Recently, the king has been running short of funds, partially due to the world wide recession that he caused as president, but mostly due to his extravagant and excessive feasting. To support the royal treasury, he has since become an actor on YouTube, starring in several YouTube Poops. In these multiple videos, the king as well as his subjects and Ganon, engage in repetitive unfunny "humor" that is generally only funny for the inebriated. Also, many of the scenes show the king shortly after his stroke. Eventually he was joined by the likes of Mario, Luigi (otherwise better known by his alias Mama Luigi and Gay Luigi), Dr. Rabbit Vegeta and Nappa, and countless others.

In addition to his acting career, The king is also a part time gangsta rapper, and has released numerous albums.

Discography[edit]

The King's first music video.



The King is also good at Opera.

The King has also recently produced his new hit single "Sing Like the King"

See Also[edit]