Kingdom Hearts

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Kingdom Hearts is a video game on several consoles. It has been enjoyed by many. You should make your own opinions and play the game yourself before you believe these comments below this one.

Also, don't believe anyone when they tell you Sora fucked Mickey or Mickey fucked Riku. Sora did however fuck Riku but that's a deleted scene and Kairi will just fuck anyone with a raft that can get her off of her lesbian amazon island b4 Selphie gets to her. Oh yea, and they're all orphans! But somehow in the second game Kairi and Selphie go to Catholic school(wtf?)But there is that one scene where Sora's mom calls him 4 supper but he was high and we all know you can't feed disney characters after midnight anyway. DUH!

In short, Kingdom Hearts is a Disney version of Smash Bros.

Notable is how repetitive it gets, however you'll be so distracted by the awful plot, characters, humor and voice-acting that you'll forget to notice.

The Characters[edit]

Sora[edit]

Sora (last name is unknown, though rumored to be Presley; a relation to Elvis is not yet confirmed.) A kid who oddly happens to be the Keyblade's master. Sora is in love with Kairi,(not confessing his love for Riku yet). Sora's weapon is a giant key used for self-defense and unlocking people's stuff.

Sora has two best friends named Riku and his crush,Kairi whom he spends every day with. Their parents, it is rumoured, are convicts sentenced to life in prison after a failed attempt at robbing the higher-income sections of Twilight Town.

Sora owns a pair of pants, this special pair has rarely been cleaned. As this is the pair that he is seen wearing throughout both games continuously. When it came for a wardrobe change in Kingdom Hearts II, rather then replacing the pants they were simply transformed to fit better with a different color scheme. Currently, he holds "Longest time wearing a single pair of pants" in the Guinness Book of World Records. And I don't even want to think about his underpants, especially after that instance when he meet the ghost at the clock tower in peter pans world..."can we postpone this final battle? I've gotta empty my underpants before I return to the island." and then a fine brown substance roles out his pants

He was also a film director, directing the movie "Snakes on a Gummi Ship" the movie was only shown in the Kingdom Hearts universe, and brought in so much money Sora could finally afford a ring for Riku. Riku denied the offer stating "I've never had sexual feelings for Sora and I never will!" Later investigations showed that he had crossed his fingers, behind his back, and later that year he 'confested' his love for Sora, their marriage is scheduled for January 15th 2010.

Riku[edit]

riku is an abusive asshole who runs around naked raping people (including but not limited to, kairi, sora, selphie, wakka, tidus) no matter what gender they are.

Kairi[edit]

she spends most of her time having sex with Selphie but occasionaly she has sex with sora. She's banned from many worlds (make that all of them) and that's why she's stuck on the frickin destiny islands. She's basicaly a preverted little bitch who can't go anywhere because she's banned from every where

Ansem the Wise[edit]

a shity ass old man who fucked sora!

Ansem[edit]

Ansem the Heartless/Xehanort/Mansex: Not to be confused with Ansem the Wise, Ansem the Nobody is the main villain of Kingdom Hearts 1. He talks a lot about Darkness, a little about Hearts, and then about more darkness. And then he brings up the subject of...eh, who the hell am I kidding? He mentions darkness at least 40 times every 5 minutes, and when all else fails, he yells stuff like "DARKNESS" and "SUBMIT!" Given that those are his two most used lines in the entire series, all else must fail quite often.

Others[edit]

Its Vexen, he's pretty cool. I hate puns.
  • EVERYONES UNDERWEAR: underwear is a brand new addition to kingdom hearts
  • Darth Vader: One of the princesses of heart.He found STAR WARS didn't pay high enough, so he took the imperial gummi ship and went to Traverse Town, where he ran into General Riku (who was wearing a skirt)and was kidnapped. he woke up in some frozen ice thing in Hollow Bastion..NOW LOOK WHO'S IN THE BACTA TANK VADER!
  • Organization XIII: A group of young males who's main mission is to look as feminine as possible.
  • Roxas (AKA Jesse McRoxas): Essentially a blonde, moody Sora, with two keyblades. Is rumoured that Roxas was raped by Axel at one point. Roxas found that the real world wasn't safe as long as Axel lived, so he fleed and lived in virtual Twilight Town, where the hippies live. During his time in Virtual Twilight Town, this scene was never shown, but, he was busy making-out/loving a female, who was also hiding in Virtual Twilight Town.
  • Larxene-the savage nympho: The Leader of the group, since (s)he looks the most feminine. In addition to that, (s)he has a crush on Magnetman. Although modern psychoanalysts believe now believe (s)he may have a really bad case of gender identity disorder. That or she's a fag hag
  • Axel-The arsonist: A tall man with hair borrowed from Goku, Axel is an experienced mechanic, specializing in auto repair and maintenence. However, because the Organization lacks the use or possession of cars, he is useless. He also shoots fire. He is also known to have on more than one occasion attempt to molest Roxas
  • Saix-one angry muthafucker: One of the most feminine members due to his pearl earrings and mood swings. This also apparently makes him very important, and therefore allowed to be the only character with actual screen time in Kingdom Hearts II. Also rumored to be an addict of 4chan.
  • Demyx-the malodorous narcotic or...something...: An indie with a mullet. That's really the only important thing.
  • Zexion- Secret agent man: Is a blue-haired guy that has his nose stuck in a book. His job is to smell other people and clean. Has been arrested many times for blowing up people who call him emo.
  • Xemnas- The one who wasn't the other but really is the onther one's oher half: Rearranges to MANSEX Sex Man; anything else is irrelevant.
  • Xaldin- T3h Pwnage Mast3r: He has sideburns. And dreadlocks. And sideburns.
  • Marluxia-Token gay character: Quite possibly the second most feminine male of Organization XIII (considering Larxene's status), with the voice of CHAR! Aznable. Considering this, he applies make up three times faster than a normal Organization member. Also known for his intense desire to non-consensually pollinate Vexen.
  • Vexen-Dr. Evil II: The scientist of the Organization XIII, he's also known by assorted codenames such as "Dr. Love," "I have a freezie-pop in my pants," "isn't that guy Sephiroth's dad," and "Science Fairy." Known for producing clones ad nausium and the world's supply of tentacle beasts. He is also known as the pedophile of the organization due to the rape charges placed against him by Namine, Larxene, Xion, Axel, Roxas, and Zexion, who gave the most evidence in the Vexen's trial.
  • Luxord-The yu-gi-oh fanboy: Named after a casino.
  • Replica Riku: Otherwise known as Repliku. He is a delusional emo who gets murdered before he is properly seen in 3D. This is unimportant, as all you really need to do is look at Riku. Look at him. Look at him, I SAY!!! However, he is seen when everything is relived in the acid induced 3D version.
  • Xigbar-The college shooter: He became infamous before joining Organization XIII, for his brilliant performance in "Mary Poppins."
  • Lexaeus-The stoner: AKA Arnie II. This guy has tried everything from heroin to steroids. LOTS of steroids.
  • That Duck That Wears No Pants: (AKA) Streaker Duck, his entire purpose in the game is to seduce Sora with his pantslessness.
  • The "Run-Run Away!" guy: Has no reason for existance. Just appers once in the underworld. Is the true comic relief. It was later notified that it was actually Demyx late for his haircut, he apologists and promised it should not occur again.
  • The Seagulls: Mine? Mine, mine, mine... We get it, it's yours.
  • Xion: A Late introduced character, that totally ruins the whole Orgy XIII Thing. XIII=13 MEMBERS, NOT 14! DAMN YOU TESTUYA NOMURA! DAMN YOU!
  • Hayner (AKA Hay-DER): Is a total air head and only thinks of him self. It is rumoured that Hayner is hiding feelings for Roxas, only to later find out it was lies.
  • Pence (AKA Pance[PANTS!! =D]): Is a food loving boy, amazingly becomes friends Roxas.(Still unknown why).
  • Olette (AKA Omelett!): Is a very nice person, but should not be trusted because is said to be TOO nice. It is roumoured that Omelett Olette is acctualy a giggle-paw in discuise from the planet fru-fru, sent to twilight town to kidnap the "amazing" singer Roxas Jesse McRoxas.
  • Doctor No: yea thats right they do James Bond characters now
  • Isla Fisher: she was requested to be in it.

Sephiroth[edit]

Sephiroth appears in Kingdom Hearts and Kingdom Hearts 2 where he is crushed mercilessly by Sora,this is only possible if u are level three thousand, you have the "Ultima 'butt kiss' weapon" and one million super energizer batteries. Proving Sora to be the most powerful force ever to come out of the video game industry. were still not sure how he got his ass handed to him by some kid with huge banana colored shoes, but it happened. when we asked Sephiroth about what happened he replied "sorry, I'm too busy being awesome"

Solid Snake[edit]

For each consecutive game, Snake came up with a kickass excuse for not featuring (being on probation/ being retired/ being a vegetable). But he's Snake: this level of floppy-cock mediocrity is wayyyyy below him. Voiced by some random guy after he brushed his teeth with steel wool and gargled with turpentine for a solid month to make it sound like someone had shot him in the throat. the solid snake is not to be confused with the "Solid Turd" or the "Runny Turd" both would kick Sora's ass, even on level three thousand with the "ultima 'butt kiss' weapon" and super energizer batteries

King Mickey[edit]

Once, an ordinary mouse...It found some radioactive substance, and ate it. That mouse turned into a humouse, a cross breed between human and mouse; more of a mouse though. He built a castle, and gave some crack to some chipmunks, who became the engineers. secretly, he works with the sith to overrule the Keyblade Masters. He is known to come and rescue (really try to rape) Sora when he dies, but, he is NEVER there when your really needing him to be.And then he went gay and moved in with Elton John and his lover. now you need big sunglasses to get into dinner at the disney castle. But that's gonna b in the third game. the 'secret' glasses will be located in area 18 of traverse town, that's right i said 18. Traverse Town is BIGGER and badder, well bigger anyway, their will be more of those stupid brain teasers and less 'ultimate' heartless to kill. YAY!! not

Stages[edit]

Kingdom Hearts.

Lord Sora's castle, Castle Oblivion

The locations of Kingdom Hearts are relatively close together in Japan. One part, however, is not.

  • Castle Oblivion - The plastic castle in Disney land that looks like a Lego toy set. Its called oblivion because of it's tendency to cause spontaneous combustion.
  • Destiny Islands - A pair of small islands, they are the former home of Lord Sora, General Riku and Vicereine Kairi. Now a playground for a naked Sora and a naked Riku,and a naked Kairi. Tickets to the islands can be bought off the internet for the half price of $45.00 ($100 if your name is Neofucka or Shan Stupid).
  • Twilight Town - town populated by hippies who get high to witness a fantasy land where they prance around, chasing disney characters with chain saws. Everyone who lives in the town has hurrendously bad posture and habitually attaches bed-springs to their shoes.
  • Traverse Town - A town located south of Twilight Town that is home to outcasts of every other location in the kingdom. Actually called 'Hobos-R-Ent-Us-U-Stu-Pid-Mutha-Fuka', but censorship issues forced them to change the name.
  • Hollow Bastion - A castle north of Castle Oblivion that serves as a small city to its citizens. It was created by a man who ripped his body in half and is now half dead.
  • The World that Never Said It Was - "The World that Never Said It Was WAS, OK? Just because it saying it isn't doesn't mean it is. Well it is, but it isn't. Know what I'm saying? Ah, get fucked Kairi, I never should try and explain shit to you." Just so you know, all moral contradictions and failed contraceptives adside, The World That Never Said It Was never was a city never with futuristic buildings and never a small cove somewhere. Some never said it didn't ever exist, and they weren't ever right because it never was. It never was called Deep Dive City ever because a man never ever took a dive off of it ever in effort to never kill himself but never was successful, and because nobody never never ever never knew what its true name never or ever was. The never true name never was ever revealed when somebody never realized that the city never was. It never was the home to the Mickey Mouse League's never centers for never creation and distribution of never software for computers and never video games. Uttering anything about the 'Pudding of Naught within the castle will result in immediate ASHS.-
  • End of the World - A location, not a date, unlike what it sounds like. Random parts of the Earth that were fucked off of the planet by the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, collected together and stuck together with gluestick. It is also home to the actual landmark called Kingdom Hearts, a door that connects our dimension with another one. Recently, End of the World has crashed into the ocean, while Kingdom Hearts drifted above the World that Never Said It Was, hoping to find that special someone.

History[edit]

creation[edit]

kingdom hearts was created as an attempt by square enix to confuse the already confused final fantasy fans, after much debate and talks with the Mickey Mouse League they decided the best way to do this is to mash the most popular final fantasy games together and make the games protagonist a spiky haired child accompanied by two weird animals with speech impediments.

The New Age (1418-1958)[edit]

Known as the Golden Age by some. Darkwing Duck, arguably the second best leader that Kingdom Hearts ever had, brought forth a time of goodness in the kingdom. He and a group of construction workers created Twilight Town and Hollow Bastion, two landmarks that are famous to this very day. Darkwing Duck was assassinated in 1851 by a warfaring man, Gooferneur Gimmler,he was a sadistic man dog who became the dictator of Kingdom Hearts. Goofernuer brought a new age to Kingdom Hearts, an age that wasn't very good for the kingdom at all.

The Invasion of Disney (1958-1989)[edit]

Gooferneur Gimmler started war with a small town now known as the World that Never Was for fun, and the city became part of the small kingdom. A few years later in 1857, Gooferneur declared war on Disneyland, which ended one week later after Disneyland easily defeated Kingdom Hearts and made it into part of their empire. Under the control of Disneyland, Gooferneur was executed and Kingdom Hearts was temporarily put under control of the current ruler of Disneyland. During this time, Traverse Town was created by outcasts from Twilight Town. The End of the World started to form around the Kingdom Hearts door, all of which were orbiting the Earth. However, instead of being temporary, the kingdom remained under the rule of whoever Disneyland's present leader was until 1989, when Lord Sora, General Riku and Vicereine Kairi came to Kingdom Hearts from the Destiny Islands.?

The New New Age (1989-2006)[edit]

Lord Sora defending Hollow Bastion during the Great Heartless Raid

Lord Sora and his friends, Riku and Kairi, showed great leadership in Kingdom Hearts, so the Mickey Mouse League made Sora the ruler of Kingdom Hearts, Riku the head of its defense and Kairi the leader when Sora was busy. The Destiny Islands were also accepted into Kingdom Hearts. In 1993, war erupted between strange creatures known as the Heartless and the people of Kingdom Hearts known as the Great Heartless Raid. Lord Sora, General Riku , Admiral Donald Duck and Lieutenant Goofy helped in defeating the great menace all around the world and around time, including in ancient Rome. Soon after this, members of the XIII Order invaded Castle Oblivion and Lord Sora had to clear them out and stop them from taking over his castle. A year later, the new enemies of Kingdom Hearts, the XIII Order led by the evil Mansex, attacked Kingdom Hearts and other places across time. This feud is known as the Nobody War. General Riku became a double agent for the Order and Kingdom Hearts during this war, which helped win the war. After these two wars ended, Kingdom Hearts was back in a period of peace.

The Invasion (2006-2006)[edit]

Flash Gordon seen here fighting Sora and for no apparent reason, Fayt Leingod.

Shortly after the period of peace arrived, Flash Gordon, with no reason in mind, invaded. It was a fierce battle between the quarterback and a militia of assorted personified farm animals, and many were lost on Kingdom Hearts' side. All was not lost however, soon Sora and Riku ran to meet Flash Gordon in battle. Riku ran in first, but was promptly hit in the face with a football. His fangirls, who usually worshiped him for his hotness, noticed the large lump and tore him up for becoming ugly. Sora, seeing this, knew that he would have to devise a plan to defeat this powerful foe, but before he could finish thinking that he needed a plan, Flash grabbed him by the neck and stuck a laser at Fayt Leingod, who was on the battlefield for no apparent reason. Was all lost? Only time will tell. One things is certain though: getting hit in the face with a football hurts.

The Reconstruction (2006-???X)*[edit]

Currently in development.

So basically these guys from star wars came in with guns and laser swords and beat the Living Chuck Norris out of everything, so lord Sora and his little yaoi posse had to kill off the hairy guy, the short green dude, and the guy that kissed his sister in the first movie. they then had to "Reconstruct" everything, and it now resembles Michael Jackson's "Neverland Ranch".

Once this happened, Sora and Riku decided to combine their attackers into a super warrior with Yoda's Head, Luke's torso, and an extremely hairy pair of wookie legs.This creature then rampaged throughout the newly developed pedophile playhouse, destroying everything (again), so Winnie the Pooh was called from his story book and went all Super Saiyan on the crossbreed's hairy backside. Now the world must be built again, and Sora is thinking if modeling it after Legoland this time. Epic sex is had by all.

The Battle for Middle Earth (The Third Age)[edit]

Sora decided it would be fun to go fight orcs and break expensive jewelery. So he got an OAP named Merlin to create a portal to a random world that had orcs and expensive jewelery in it. The portal led to Middle Earth, a world located on the far reaches of the Kingdom Hearts galaxy, hidden among the worlds of Pirates of the Caribbean and High School Musical. Lord Sora and his gang then went around Middle Earth for a couple of years, killing a couple of elves for food and kidnapping hobbits for pleasure. Some hobos with long hair tried to stop them, but who could stand up to Lord Sora? None of them. They were all killed. Admiral Donald Duck was killed by some dwarf, as Sora couldn't be bothered to heal him...again. They would have to get Riku to do his Donal Duck impression for a couple of years.

Politics[edit]

Kingdom Hearts, being a -monarchy, has always had the sole leader make decisions, because either the leader was trusted or because the citizens had no choice. Currently, Lord Sora, General Riku and Vicereine Kairi make all decisions for the kingdom because they are trusted more than anyone else in the kingdom. Lord Sora resides in Castle Oblivion, making decisions about the nation and planning to make it better while General Riku and Vicereine Kairi do the same in the Twilight Town Clock Tower.

The Princesses of Heart[edit]

While an evil plot was created by the forces of Evil to try and collect the seven princesses of heart to sell as a set on ebay, things did not go to plan after accusations that the collection was not truly complete. Having already captured seven, including The Burger King, Mr. Pelican Shit, This Guy, and Paris Hilton and Darth Vader, the set was not 'complete' much to Riku's dismay. It was found that there was one more princess of heart, which was Sora.

Economy[edit]

Sora playing a children's card game. This is roughly based on Yu-Gi-Oh, though Pokemon was put in the mix.

Most of the money made for the government of Kingdom Hearts is from its successful video game and computer software sales, which are both funded by money from the Mickey Mouse League and the Sony Republic. The rest of the money was spent on cocaine and booze, as well as pornography. The creation and production buildings of the software receive some tourism by people interested in the video games that they make, so they have a store for them in the World that Never Was, the location of all video game and computer software creation factories. The video games that they sell are based on historical figures of the Mickey Mouse League's nations, such as Sora and Mickey Mouse the Great. The suicide effort at Deep Dive City's video game and software production facility was kept discreet to avoid scaring tourists away.

The domestic economy is almost completely supported by Sea-salt Ice Cream. Prospects for exporting this "good" have been low largely due to the food's taste. I mean, come on - SEA SALT?! Caustic lye would make a better ice cream flavor.

Currency[edit]

The official currency of Kingdom Hearts is the Castle Oblivion Battle Card which comes in bills of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 0. The $0 bill, however, is unique in that when you are giving change it is the most valuable bill but when you are buying products it is the least valuable bill. Thus, travelers in Kingdom Hearts trying to convert foreign currencies to Castle Oblivion Battle Cards are likely to experience a phenomenon known as a "card break" in which their funds become completely worthless. However, in Soviet Russia, card breaks YOU!! Avoid "card breaks" at any cost, unless you are breaking somebody else. In all other worlds of the Kingdom Hearts game, the currency is "munny", because the creators of this game can't spell speal.

Culture[edit]

Everyone in Kingdom Hearts is bilingual, speaking both Japanese and English fluently, though some places speak Japanese more than English or vice versa. For example, people in Hollow Bastion generally speak Japanese, while people in Traverse Town are known to prefer English over Japanese. The appearance of people also changes between towns in the kingdom. People outside of Traverse Town usually look Japanese, while most of the people in Traverse Town appear to be American or European. Sword fighting is a common tradition in most parts of Kingdom Hearts, although few prefer to attack their shadows with enlarged versions of car keys.

Recently, alternate worlds of Kingdom Hearts were found in the mythical lands of Japan and are called Kingdom Hearts Final Mix and Kingdom Hearts 2 Final Mix+. Why the fuck is it a "Final Mix" and what the "+" means is still unknown, but it is kickass and a lot more fun because, well...., nevermind.

In other Kingdom Hearts countries such as Afternoon Avenue they use a type on money known as paupu leaves (Cocaine BTW)

Kingdom Hearts[edit]

A Giant, Big, Door. Everyone wants it. Strangely, it leads to what seems to be a beach. The water there is very special and it causes everyone who enters to talk in a gay like manner and Bottles come out of nowhere.

It is said that once a field of darkness passed out of the door but this is nonsense, as the darkness was actually an endless field of penguin warriors brought about when Mickey, out of boredom, mated with Cerberus (the three headed dog in the Colliseum) and spawned his peguin children..of course, Cerberus suffered Separation Anxiety, and mutated into a giant monster called clover. Not that Cerberus wasn't already mutated.

See also[edit]