Kingdom of Loathing
Kingdom of Loathing (or KoL) is a highly complex game developed by the JickHead Inc., and is also a small island off the coast of Finland. The extensive, high-quality artwork tends to highlight the lack of effort put into the rest of the game, which was based on the highly experimental PONG engine. A swirling swirl of swirling controversy surrounds the game, including ties to hard drug use, incest, and the Welsh. Relatively, the global conspiracies that control the content of the game are boring, and involve such obscure names as Lenin, Capitalism and Canadia. However, Jick has yet to put in any content involving Finland, the island, or fish in mating dances.
Sit down, kiddies, and we'll tell you the story of how the Kingdom of Loathing came to be.
You see, when a mommy RPG and a daddy RPG love each other very much, they perform a special ceremony that may or may not include James Brown music, candles, and leather. Then the mommy RPG starts snorting cocaine and the daddy RPG starts tripping out on acid and soon they're selling their TV and stereo for drug money. Then the daddy RPG robs a bank and has to go away for fifteen years to life, and the mommy RPG is left to give birth to the baby and raise it all by herself. But since they sold their car and don't have any money for a cab to get to the hospital, she has to give birth at home. Except they sold their couch too, so she just gives birth to the baby RPG on the cold hardwood floor, where he promptly hits his head, causing further damage to his tiny infant mind. Anyway the mother RPG tries for a while to raise her child, but being a single parent she can't find a job and still doesn't have any money. She eventually ends up leaving the baby in a wicker basket on the doorstep of a computer nerd named Jick, because he has solid gold Ferraricars or some such in his driveway and she figures that with that kind of money he can afford to raise her bastard child the way she can't, and because she wants a better life for her child than she got.
Stickmen figures fighting each other has been a turn on for the past century. However, in Singapore, it is definitely Boomz to play KOL. Especially if your surname is Goh.
- The currency of the kingdom is meat. Many people have wondered why you cannot just eat your meat to keep you from starving, although since starving is not actually a game mechanic, these people are widely ignored.
- Occasionally people "beat" their meat. These people are also widely ignored.
- The Council of Loathing (which is NOT widely ignored) assigns the quests which comprise the story to satisfy those adventurers who think gaming is about 'the story'.
- Adventurers have familiars, blatantly linking the game to Wicca and its thousands of teenage practitioners.
- Players often battle other people for rank in something called PvP (short for "player v. player"). It's vaguely like the Roman Colisseum if you ignore the "omg i fuxxed ur mom" messages traded between combatants.
- The Hermit is the players' main nemesis, though in the end of the game he turns out to be the players' greatest ally.
- Players often donate $10 in real life to receive a Mr. Accessory in the game. The delivery time after payment is generally no less than three years. Players who do finally receive their "Mr. A"s find that their stats have all been reduced to 1, a change accompanied by an e-mail that threatens their loved ones if the secret is revealed.
- The majority of KoL players are, in fact, stick figures. Fat cat imperialists are not welcome and will be murdered by high-level players, low-level players, the weird bees shaped like a's, and those little rats in the tavern.
Dates of Note
- Circa 476 CE - Jick is born. At the same time, the Roman Empire falls. This is correlation, not causation.
- Circa 1453 CE - Mr. Skullhead is born. At the same time, the Byzantine Empire falls. This is causation, not correlation.
- 1588 CE - Jick and Mr. Skullhead meet for the first time. At the same time, the Spanish Armada is defeated.
- December 2, 1804 - Jick and Mr. Skullhead form Asymmetric Publications. At the same time, Napoleon I is crowned Emperor. This is coronation, not causation or correlation.
- October 28, 1905 - Due to a temporal rift opened on White Wednesday (see below),Because He "accidentally" pushed a button on the keyboard which made every player in the game have bigger teeth than those darn Brits and is so pissed Jick starts the Cola Wars, creating the first known Internet web page ever.
- January 31, 2003 - The birth of the Kingdom is lauded by the Union of Internet Shorebots, a group of computer scripts that has been totally without purposeful activity.
- September 16, 2003 - Mr. Skullhead is hired to watch adult films and create corresponding game content.
- January 25, 2004 - Women are allowed to play for the first time.
- April 21, 2004 - Jick discovers that every other person playing the game were shorebots. He also admits to hating Iocaine Powder. Iocaine Powder of course being a group of people who hate themselves, and show as much by namechecking themselves on shitty websites.
- May 6, 2004 - A second server is added, designated "whites only".
- June 9, 2005 - Ascension is implemented, thus shifting the game from beta to gamma. Ascension allows players to beat the game and "ascend" into higher planes of existence. How Jick has managed to program this to happen outside the game is anyone's guess.
- June 10, 2005 - First complaint that new game content "makes hardcore(sex) easier."
- October 25-27, 2005 - White Wednesday - Jick "accidentally" deletes his pants. He is able to fix them within one hour, but due to a temporal analomy (not to be confused with the word "anomaly"), his pants are offline for 48 hours. Some members of the dev team take advantage of this time to loot the inventories of unpopular players.
- December 13, 2005 - Number of player accounts finally hits 1,000,000. Not counting multis and bots, 72. Not counting the inactive accounts, 6. Not counting the people who only play to spam the chat channels, 2. Not counting Jick or Mr. Skullhead, 0. Nonetheless, people complain that all the accounts offer trading opportunities that "make hardcore easier."
- December 26, 2005 - During one of his periodic drunken rampages, Jick decides to transfer the entire game to a new server. Disaster ensues, accompanied by outraged accusations that the move makes hardcore easier by allowing players to actually access the game.
- January 1, 2006 - A drunken Jick decides to reward everyone in the kingdom with a spiffy new item in celebration of Chinese New Year. No one has the heart to tell Jick he is almost a month off, though several players express confusion that Jick is Chinese and not Mexican.
- March 28, 2006 - Half of the players commit suicide after not being able to open the sunken chest.
- August 15, 2006 - A new item, the defective skull, is implemented. Users who equip it find that it makes statements and predictions of amazing accuracy. In fact, the first words spoken by an equipped defective skull are "I deduce that I make hardcore easier," said 0.03 seconds after its implementation and shattering all previous records set by human beings. The defective skull in question goes on to beat Gary Kasparov in chess and becomes self-aware shortly thereafter. Hundreds die.
- January 8 2007 - Rampant looting and thieving occurs in response to the Council's decision to permit foreign traders free access to Seaside Town and diplomatic immunity. Wads of twinkly goo inexplicably vanish.
- February 12, 2007 - The "Kingdom of Loathing" is premiered. The movie breaks box office records world-wide.
- June 25, 2007 - Nerf Surprise-13 (NS-13) is unveiled. The entire Kingdom is transformed into a giant, foam-rubbery mass. Also, Levels 1 and 2 are created. Players react in shock at the need to actually play the first several levels of the game. Players cry over the need to gain another two levels and complain that it makes hardcore easier.
- December 3, 2007 - The Obligatory and Illegal Pirate's cove get an update that allow you to be a pirate, still no ninjas. And yes, it makes Hardcore easier.
- March 13, 2008 Action Combat Bars (ACB) were added. Sadly this makes the game even more like World of Warcraft. Hardcore is also made 11% easier. (it's ridiculous. It's not even funny.)
- April 10, 2008 Pastamancer Day, Pastamancers got a rewamp because someone whined about their spells weren't Pastey enough. Made Hardcore exactly like Softcore, but 1% harder.
- Tomorrow - Pizza Button is added to game. Due to a malfunction the button did nothing, much like the goggles.
- Day after Tomorrow Thousands of nerds across the world die of starvation.
- Day after the Day after Tomorrow The Kingdom of Loathing is invaded by an army of Grues
- Day after after the day after tomorrow Grues force Jick to "mine 4 fish"
- 28 days later The zombies eat Jick, but being reasonable zombies, they don't eat his eyes.
People of Note
- Jick (#2)- He made (and deleted) the game.
- Mr. Skullhead (#13)- Jick's right-hand man (and what Jick's left hand is for).
- Mr. Skullheads's Mr. Mom (#69)- In Jick's bed.
- Multi Czar (#6, #32, #453, #5265, #12592, #32092, #54640, etc.)- The Kingdom's first and most successful farmer. Always willing to give newbies advice on the fine art of exploiting multis for fabulous profits.
- Uncle Crimbo (#666)- a crap KoL version of Santa Claus
- Me (#1337) - Sooo 1337 that he/she/it drives a bitchin' meatcar.
- Toot Oriole (#7007)- Jick's pet bird. Toot one of the few familiars to own a familiar. He lives on the Noobish Hills.
- BoozerBear (#4576)- Probably the most successful haxx0r ever, reputed to hack all his items, his meat, and his items. Did I mention items and meat?
- Firestorm ZERO (#8849) - Guy who stole his mother's credit card to donate to the game, bought Sweden and sixteen nuclear missiles with the same credit card before being apprehended and forced to stay in the /newbie chat channel.
- Xenophobe (#46205)- Xenophobe now writes most of the Kingdom's back-end code, giving it an ass that is the envy of all other MMORPGs. Xeno is known by many to be the smoothest speaker on the Thursday radio shows; his never stumbling over even the smallest words has lead many to desire him as a critical thinking professor and speech communications coach/tutor.
Areas of Note
- Gobbed Knob - location of the "harem" chat channel
- Spook Forest - one of the more overtly racist areas of the game
- Items available here - white sheet, burning cross, rusty pickup truck (replaces meat car, gives intrinsic effect "White Power" (Gives drunkenness +25, +1 Muscle, -400 Moxie))
- The Orgasm - Largely unheard-of by both players and game admins.
- The Campground - a place where people sleep (or rest), only to find out they have overslept and run out of adventures when they awaken.
- The Hermitage - for players who wish to kill the hermit, who cannot be killed.
- The Mysterious Island of Mysterious Mystery...Mystery- The only place in the world where Frat Boys, Hippies and Pirates coexist without trying to kill, paddle and sell pot to each other...until the council gets pissed at them for not doing so and sends you to kill them all.
- The Mt. McTeeny Tiny - Goats, Yetis, Extreme Sports and Ninja Snowmen. Just like your last Christmas.
- The Spookyraven Shack- An ancient Manor, now filled with the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future but adventuring there with the rare Ghostbusters Brand™ Vacuum Cleaner will make Hardcore even Easier! There is also a secret wine cellar in the basement but you have to NOT be in hardcore to get inside and get drunk...
Classes of Note
As a rule of thumb, each class specializes in one of three stats, those being muscle (how much they've worked out at the gym), mysticality (how likely they are to replace Sephiroth as the best known badass of all time) and moxie (how likely they are to woo the ladytypes... or the manlytypes as it were).
- Seal Clubbers: The intellectual elite of the Kingdom. They use mind over muscle to overpower enemies. That being said, their muscle is still their best attribute, since mysticality has nothing to do with intellect.
- Turtle Tamers: Hippies. Goddamn filthy hippies. And communists, to boot. Admittedly, pretty muscular hippie communists, but still, they consider turtles to be helmets. This means something is wrong with them.
- Pastamancers: So named because of their love of "Spaghetti Breakfast". As they follow the Flying Spaghetti Monster, he has gifted them with mysticality and the power to summon noodles. Noodles with which to make breakfasts. Of spaghetti.
- Saucerors: Saucy maids and wenches! Apparently, being a saucy maid and/or wench is very mystical. I expect it has to do with the fact that few wouldn't worship a sauce-wielding maid/wench who could explode your brain with sauce bullets.
- Disco Bandits: Worship the Disco King Yggdrasill and Disco Jesus. With their extensive knowledge of moxie, they are able to turn water... into FUNK!
- Accordion Thieves: Derived from a joke on the wildly-popular television show Accordion to Jim. Although they possess no skills outside of accordionism aside from getting into places unnoticed, they have a powerful aura of moxie.
- Bourgeois: The middle class, who rule the economy with their ruthless iron fists and self-created morals. High-leveled players beat them mercilessly since they go against everything that the game and its pure Marxist agenda stand for.
- Proletariat: The working class. The great prophet Marx has destined them to one day rise up against the Bourgeois in an epic struggle and create a Marxist utopia. Or, y'know, go home and complain about their boss all night.
Chat Channels of Note
- /c newbie - This is the only channel that allows you to offer meat for blowjobs. This chat channel is also responsible for the suicide deaths of many chat mods, and people with an IQ greater than PI.
- /c clan - has been closed following rumors of illegal activity and hate crimes. This is also the only place where cyber feetsecks was allowed.
- /c normal - For "general" chat. With the ongoing Balkanization of chat, this channel goes mostly unused. An excellent place to test your chat macros and false e-penis advertising.
- /c abnormal - For the rest of us.
- /c games - where scammers hang out to scam other scammers with so called ARs(stands for anti reality) and raffles for waffles. Is acutally /perv but Jick decided to replace the name. Also constantly plots to nuke newbie before ferrying out all moderators, but never succeeds due to lack of funding with all meat spent on anti reality programmes.
- /c haiku -
- In this room, people
- take up five minutes to speak,
- counting on fingers.
- /c paranormal - A place to find astral spirit busters.
- /c trade - File sharing channel. Request warez here.
- /c foodcourt - Sexy teenage girls are waiting to chat with you for $3.99 a minute.
- /c harem - Support group for those who've gotten STDs from Mr Skullhead's mom.
- /c lounge - Big people with small penises. This channel does not exist.
- /c dev - Short for /c deviant. The only chat channel that Jick ever appears in.
- /c spot run - run, spot, run
- /c hardcore - Only available to those players 18 years of age or older (or 12-year-olds who click the 'I certify I am over 18' button).
- /c valhalla - Where players role-play ninth-century Viking raids.
- /c veteran - Where players who are old complain about the war, and throw grenades at newbies.
- /c villa - We'll get back to you about this one when they let us past the velvet rope.
Notes on Radio KoL
“Lights out! Bugbear radio! Turn that shit up!”
This is the unofficial official home of official unofficial radio broadcasts. The unofficial and official DJs are usually drunkards with way too many MP3s who unofficially entertain the Kingdom. DJs (official, unofficial, and guest) must go through an arduous selection process that includes:
- sending in a drunken test recording
- waiting for a time when the station is accepting submissions, then sending a well-thought, articulate test recording
- creating a drunken test recording after articulate recording is rejected
- having sex on-air during first show
Radio KoL's most popular DJ by far is the wise and powerful Gene Ray. Though he only possesses ninety-six songs, listeners flock to listen to him expound upon the perfect communist synergy created by Jick and Mr Skullhead.
Former DJs of Note
- Sexygoddess, who had one extra-long tantric sex session that spanned the entirety of her sixty-nine shows. She retired triumphant at the ripe, old age of 70.
- Reekun, a crochety recluse who can't spell crotchety. His favorite on-air topics involved his "girl"-friend, his favorite pizza toppings, and who should be up against the wall when he comes.
|Action 52 | AdventureQuest | Asheron's Call | City of Heroes | Eternal Lands | Final Fantasy XI | Internet (video game) | Kingdom of Loathing | Lord of the Rings Online | RuneScape | Star Trek Online | Tibia | UnQuest | World of Warcraft | World of Whorecraft|
|Future: War of Worldcraft | Animal Crossing III | Warhammer Online|