Kinvara

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Kinvara
Galway.jpg
height of festivities in Kinvara, Oct 2021
GENERAL INFORMATION
motto Welcome To Kinvara... Sinking Fast!
anthem Please Release Me by Engelbert Humperdinck
GEOGRAPHY
county Co. Galway
DEMOGRAPHICS
population 507
ethnic groups Irish, Muslims, Rastas


Bouncywikilogo7.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kinvara.

Kinvara (Irish: Cinn Mhara, meaning "gives good head") is a quaint picturesque sea port on the Galway Bay. Kinvara is also the name of the parish in which Kinvara is situated. Kinvara is occasionally spelled Kinvarra in English; this may be seen on some maps and road signs, although Kinvara is the most common spelling used nowadays. Kinvarra is still the official form of the name for the townland and this form is still used on polling cards as the name of the townland while the District Electoral Division (DED) is called Kinvara. The local councillors at great expense eventually decreed that the spelling should be KINVARA, because after a 6 month fact finding trip to the South Pacific they found a picturesque south sea island called KINVARRA ( Maori: Coo Na Ba Nanna meaning "we make good fucky fucky" ). The six month fact finding trip was extended to a year on discovering this.

The population of 507 increases to 1,753,000 every Thursday night when the village's shopping centre, the largest in Europe, is open until 10 pm. The village's citizens are divided into two groups 'Locals' and 'Blow Ins'.

Locals[edit]

All Locals can trace their ancestry back to one woman, Cunn Ni Linn Guís, who lived alone in the hills of the Burren. During her life she never met a single person, fortunately she had numerous affairs with married men resulting in her many offspring. Any month when not pregnant she could slice off a finger or toe which would grow into a clone of herself. The clones were infertile and only used for practice.

Blow ins[edit]

Most Blow Ins arrived from Dublin just after the start of the new millennium when accountants advised them to sell their houses on the basis that at 197,000 Euro the value of their Ballsbridge (D4) detached houses had clearly peaked. The resulting demand for property in Kinvara resulted in most Blow Ins living in much smaller houses with considerably less land than they had in Dublin. By and large, the blow ins have now completely replaced their predecessors, the "Dirty Hippies".

Notable blow-ins[edit]

One 'blow in' or 'arrival at by third-party propulsion' as he would have preferred it, was Albert Einstein, who wrote many of his important pieces of theoretical work there. Einstein's Malicious Theories were written almost in their entirety by Einstein at a table outside the Ould Plaid Shawl public house in the village.

Under local Sharia Law (in force since a US plane bound for Guantanamo bay was forced to land in the nearby townland of Doorus in 2006) Locals and Blow Ins can never associate with each other, inter-marry, walk on the same side of the street or agree on any subject. Albert Einstein once got into a lot of trouble attempting to evade the Sharia Law by offerign to 'fuse' with a sixteen year old local in the village. This proposed 'hot hot fusion' led to Einstein being chased away by locals weilding checque books and pitchforks.

Global Financial Crisis[edit]

Two Kinvara property developers attempt to raise further capital yesterday

In October 2008 American scientists discovered that Kinvara was the origin of the Global Financial Meltdown. Research revealed that in 2001 two lovable and well meaning local scallywags started to relentlessly develop the village resulting in a large concentration of pure greed centred in Kinvara. The greed grew rapidly until in July 2008 it reached a critical mass triggering a collapse inwards bending the space time continuum thus creating a Greed Hole into which finance could go but never escape. Within a day the Greed hole had grown to suck all the finance out of Oranmore, Loughrea and the Kilcolgan Garden Centre, after two days there was no finance left in Ireland and after 1 week all the finance on Earth had disappeared. The event horizon of the Kinvara Greed hole now extends to Proxima Centauri almost 5 light years from Earth.

Kinvara Kristmas Krackers[edit]

The Wrent Boys[edit]

The Wrent boys are a dubious bunch of 60 somethings carrying on a Kinvara tradition dating back to last Thursday. It is the custom on St. Stephen Gatelys day for the Wrent boys to go from house to house , pub to pub and they will do anything - no, really anything - for a drink.

They get transported in a "Pimp My Hiace" van which they always enter from the rear.

They are met by various greetings such as "Feck Off, not you lot again!", "Get back in the house son!", "Call the Guards, Mary!", "Get out the van sir and blow into this bag" and "Hang on Boys I'll just get my accordian!"

Top 5 Christmas Traditions for Local Developers[edit]

  1. Submit multiple, dodgy, planning applications at 4.55 pm on Christmas Eve.
  2. Ply CoCo the Clown with as much Jamieson's as possible at 4.45 on Christmas Eve.
  3. Ply the bank manager with as much Jamieson's as possible at 4.35 on Christmas Eve.
  4. Ply the local engineer with as much Jamieson's as possible at 4.25 on Christmas Eve.
  5. Decant Lidl/Aldi brand African whiskey into as many Jamiesons bottles as possible at 3.25 on Christmas Eve

The Christmas Swim[edit]

The tradition of a post-mass gathering by a bunch of fecking eejits at Tracht Beach who run into the sea and straight back out again all in the name of charity. Some people will do anything to get out of cooking the Christmas Dinner. You know who you are!

History & Culture[edit]

Cunn Ni Linn Guís "The Mother of Kinvara"


Kinvara was formed in 1949 when 150 of Cunn Ni Linn's children, while on their annual bathing excursion to Tracht Beach, were caught by a freak wave performed by a passenger on a passing Galway bound bus. The children, entranced by this simple gesture, followed the bus for three miles until they ran out of shoes. Exhausted they stopped at the large inlet which now forms Kinvara Harbour.

When they realised they were lost and many miles from their Burren home they resolved to start a new life on the Inlet and, in the Clare tradition, started to interbreed rapidly. By 1970 the population had risen to 153. It was in that year that they discovered heterosexuality.

In the late 1970's, there was a large migration of persons into the outskirts of the town, self described as "The High Priests of The Ganja", but commonly known as the "Dirty Hippies". These persons were mostly originating from squats in Islington, Birmingham, as well as manors in Devon and the West Country (All in filthy dirty England. Hence the title). They filled the role of McGuffin to advance the Kinvara story until the arrival of the blow ins.

In 1985, and again in 1991, riots between the locals and Dirty Hippies erupted. The 1985 riot was particularly destructive, with local tailor Paddy Geraghty having his entire stock of buttons destroyed, and 3 houses on the main street being burned down in the Melee. (Subsequent censored reports reported (isn't that what reports do) this to be caused by a chip pan. It's not true.). The 1991 riot proved to be particularly violent, with locals cutting off hippie hair and refusing to return it until the hippies "fucked off to Tubber or somewhere else". It was at this point that Sr. Breege decided to step in to try to negotiate a settlement between parties "For the sake of the children". Talks were initially kept in order by Sr. Breege threatening to "Staple all mouths closed". Many of the negotiation sessions took place behind the stage in the Community Center, during the annual Santy show. 1994's negotiations proved to be particularly fruitful, with both sides seeing fit to take a break halfway through to "play on the thing where you had to bring the hoop around the wire without touching the wire". This ultimately let to the 1995 "McInerney Rafferty Accord", named for it's signers, Gerry McInerney, Captain of the Kinvara Hurling Team for the locals, and Gerry Rafferty, lead singer of 70's band Stealer's Wheel (and beardy hippy) for the Dirty Hippies.

Key clauses in the agreement were for all hippies to move out to the New Line, and have houses built in place of mobile homes by January 1st 2002, as well as the right of hippies to congregate, and smoke shite hash in the field behind Winkles during the Crinniu and Fleadh to be respected without interruption. Any really good shit had to be shared with locals. Other clauses included the mandatory inclusion of The Doors and Pink Floyd on any jukeboxes in the town, and the disbanding of popular Kinvara rock group, "Aravnic", who were wholly unpopular amongst locals as a result of one guitar solo going three bars too long during the 1994 Crinniu.

The agreement was later said to be an inspiration for the Ballinderreen Kilcolgan "Bigger Spastic Town" dispute resolution of 1998. Since the arrival of the "Blow Ins", the period in history has largely been forgotten, especially seeing as half the town being coked up to their eyeballs has reduced the "Dirty druggie hippy" insults to the same level of hypocrisy as seen in Fr. Frank Larkin's early sermons. This in itself has somewhat normalised tensions.

Popular Kinvara Citizens[edit]

Grampa Spudsack[edit]

Has lived in Kinvara for the last 217 years. He got his name due to his atire as a young man when clothing was hard to come by but spudsacks were not.

Granpa spudsack upset at getting a slush puppy rather than his usual Whippy

However,during the famine, spuds were also hard to come by hence there developed a shortage of sacks to put them in and so also a shortage of clothing for Grampa. It was at this time that he adapted and learnt to knit his own clothes which he still proudly wears to this day. He can often be seen parading around the town's bustling main street at 2 0'clock in the morning in a knee length off-white polo neck ganzi, knitted wellies and a lumberjack hat with the ear protectors down.

Grampa Spudsack still holds the world record for knitting the longest sock ever, however there are some who claim that he achieved this by default as it is believed he did not know how to turn the heel when he started and just kept going.The sock is now on display in Kinvara, Balindereen and Kilcolgan.

Grampa lives on ice cream and Curly Wurly's and can be seen at 7.30 every morning queing on his own outside Londis waiting for the Whippy machine to be turned on to satisfy his craving.

Reputed to live in a cupboard somewhere in the vicinity of the courthouse, it is thought that Grampa has developed a large network of tunnels under the village as he has an uncanny knack of appearing at various locations in the village in rapid succession, it is also thought that he may dabble in the 'black art' as he has been known to appear in two separate locations at the same time. There have been several occasions of him being seen eating a '99', staring in through Pier Head window at the diners while also being seen at exactly the same time, clean shaven, in a three piece suit cycling up the Gort Road.

Nobody has ever heard Grampa Spudsack speak and his only means of communication is through intricate and elaborate eyebrow movements.

Grampa Spudspack is also credited for writing the lyrics to the Britney Spears record "Hit me Baby one more Time".

Byron Baloney: "The Route Master"[edit]

Byron Baloney is a noted landowner and as such carries on the Kinvara landowner tradition of believing if they own land then they own everything else.

His pride and joy is a "W" shaped ribbon of land to the south of Kinvara which has been in his family for over a thousand years and he will not be parted from it for anything except money.

Byron has been a tireless and selfless campaigner for a relief road for the village and was recently successful in persuading Galway County Council to pass legislation for a unique "W" shaped road to the south of Kinvara.

Within 2 minutes of the road being forced on the unsuspecting saps of Kinvara Byron applied for permission to build 32 houses and 6 helicopter pads along its route. Once again community minded Byron is thinking only of the good people of Kinvara, since the development will be visible from the slopes of OughtMama it clearly enhances experience of walking in the Burren.

Byron wears a brown coat to match his nose, it has large pockets in which he keeps local politicians, council planning officials and his collection of brown envelopes.

The Twerp Twins[edit]

True legends in the history of Kinvara, born as conjoined twins 5 years apart in 1932 and 1937, Wyatt Twerp and his brother Big Jessie Twerp are the last surviving members of the notorious "Hole in the Hole" gang. They were the most feared of all cowboys in the Wild West.

Those good old Twerp Boys enjoying the craic

The Twerps were responsible for a series of audacious bank raids in the 90's during which they extorted millions of punts by posing as businessmen and entrepreneurs. Such was their notoriety that questions were asked in the Dail indeed Bertie Ahern said of them “Sure they’re crooks all right and believe you me I know a crook when I see one”.

They have always tried to give something back to the community as long as it was tax efficient and did not involve cash. Over the years they have moulded Kinvara in their own image making it what it is today - paranoid.

They have a great sense of humour and can often be seen walking around the district, shouting in loud voices "I remember when this was all fields" then laughing in the manner of a pantomime villain

When not being notorious outlaws they like nothing better than strapping on a pair of chaps, getting back in the saddle and riding through the night.

Buffalo "BallBag" Bill: Most infamous Cowboy in the West[edit]

Ballbag is notorious across the country of ireland but nowhere is the hollow prick of his influence felt than on the vast open plains of Kinvara, where on any given evening, he can be seen riding his off-white stallion plus trailer in the manner of a man consumed by the feelings of guilt and paranioa cultivated by his shabby deeds and grubby motives. The landscape is littered with the evidence of his "consumption" like influence. The stench of hate and wrongdoing lingers in the air like an incorrectly installed septic tank system, long after this desperado has dumped his load.

Why, you may ask, is Ballbag allowed to peddle his lowly brand of tom-foolery and merchant slight of hand in the village of kinvara?

Why have not the wise elders of this seaside rock-garden, stepped up to the plate and singled Ballbag out from his peers to be ridiculed and banished from the parish? Or at the very least, stoned and keel-hauled?

Well good reader, your guess is as good as mine. I feel that there is an element of the "emperors new clothes" about this Ballbag character. To many pius folk and community pillars have been sucked into his maelstrom of muck-savagery, realising only too late, that the joke is on them. And all the while Ballbag is laughing up the Gort road where he hides his money amongst the rocks of the burren.

Well fear not dear reader, the universe has a plan for people like Ballbag. I don't know the particulars, but I am reliably informed it involves nut-crackers, fire ants, flayed skin and hours of screaming .

Ballbag is still roaming wild and free on a savana near you, just like an injured and retarded small animal that has no sense of right or wrong,Ballbag should be considered dangerous and if you see him, it is your duty to report his actions right here so that we may protect future innocents from his scamming self.

Home on the range....where the deer and the antelope play...........

Mick Rooney: The Serpent[edit]

Mick is responsible for Kinvara Lotto sales quadrupling that of the Euro millions, leading to a jackpot of over €24 in Xmas 2008. No match 3 has yet been won.

Local CoCos[edit]

Galway Councillors meet to discuss development of Kinvara

In 2004 and incredibly again in 2009 it was the misfortune of Kinvara to have the following county councillors elected for them by the people of Loughrea, still thats democracy for you, if you aren't happy with it go and live in Cuba (actually if you get the chance can I go too?)

Councillors spend most of their time counting expenses and bribes while they wait in line to be Mayor for a fortnight.

It should of course be mentioned that if you actually voted for any of these pratts in the last elections then its really you that's the clown (and a cupid stunt)!

Name                   Party                What they say about Kinvara
                         
Bad Hames               Ind   TWAT*         Where the hell is that? 

Michael Stroke Defendant FF   Corrupt TWAT* Oh yes I've been to a few funerals there in 
                                            my time - good place for fences
 
Mickle Raygunn           FF   TWAT*         Never heard of it
 
Birdie Brain             FG   TWATESS*      Well I typed it into my Sat Nav and still
                                            couldnt find it - that Byron Baloney is 
                                            a nice fella though
 
Feeble Weeney		 FG   Lying TWAT*   Thats the place where I told them I would 
                                            vote against the relief road isnt it? ... 
                                            or was that Gort?
 
Willie Pulled		 Ind  TWAT*         Bunch of Suckers
 
Backfiring Cannon	 PD   Joke TWAT*    I was leader of the PDs for a week you know
 
 
*  TWAT = Total Workaholic And Talented person**
** Sarcasm

Kinvara Secret Societies[edit]

Cockney Wideboys[edit]

Little is known about their past but it is thought they arrived when Reg & Ronnie Kray wanted a piece of the Kinvara Manor, they stayed for a short time then buggered off back to blighty thinking they had been stitched up like a kipper when they realised there was naff all here. However it is thought at least three cockneys still inhabit the area.

They meet up the apple and pears of Michael Caines old Rub a Dub which they enter by only blowing the bloody doors off. Where they rabbit on about shooters, bank jobs, slags and the latest Chas & Dave Albums. Each meeting is ended with a rendition of their anthem Knees up Muvver Brown.

They are recognised only by their football allegiances to likes of the 'Appy 'Ammers, Yids, The 'O's, Pensioners and Animals(Milwall) although they have been going to the dogs for years.

Beware of cockneys as although they appear initially friendly they turn violent after half a pint of gary glitter.

Tartan Army[edit]

Although this clan think they have merged into the community they often give them selves away by outbursts of Scottish Nationalism and meaness. Also they are all called John.

They have regular Gatherings to rattle their claymores, shout "Hoots mon" and complain about the F.E.Bs. The choice of venue for meetings was meant to be decided by the toss of a coin but this has proved to be unworkable as the coin never got a chance to hit the ground.

They are slightly less unpopular on two days of the year, Hogmanay(new years eve) and Burns Night(anytime between Janury and June) when they are invited to Blow In parties on the condition that they wear a kilt however they will only attend on the condition that they given unlimted Scotch Whisky and allowed to recite all 37 verses of the Burns classic Tam O'Shanter -they are usually only invited once.

F.E.Bs = F***ing English Bastards.

Transport[edit]

On arriving in Kinvara two travel options are available - leaving town of your own accord or being chased out. Your Choice.

Flora & Fauna[edit]

Kinvara Bay[edit]

Following the 1999 European initiative to fund farmers, landowners and politcians to sit on their arses all day, Kinvara Bay was re-zoned by CoCo the Clown as Kinvara's very own Septic Tank (ref: Kinvara Local Plan (2002 RIP) Section 666, subection 893, article 2349 para 57, clause 2).

As a result Kinvara now boasts the largest Turd lake in Europe. (Shit happens)

Many scientists argue that it should classified as a sea since it has High and Low turds and strong turdal flow especially after dinner time.

Now overtaken the Burren as a shite of Special Scientific Interest Kinavra bay is home to many rare and exotic species unique to the bay itself such as:-

  • Bog Weed: Long fibrous strands coloured pink, white or blue, usually streaked with brown but on Sundays can often be black. Galway Sea institute has yet to discover the cause of this phenomenon.
Johnnyfish during the mating season
  • Johnnyfish: Thrives in bog weed. A jelly like creature which cums in shoals during local festivals. These are extremely dangerous as they have been know to entangle the propellers of local vessels bringing many a seaman to his watery grave.
  • Leather Back Turdle: The only reptile to consume more shite than it excretes.
  • Smellyfish: A crap fish (literally).
  • Floating Lily White pads: Best appreciated during a high turd on still winter night under the full moon
Both ends of the Two Arsed Shyting Fish
  • Two Arsed Shyting Fish: Has an arse hole at each end as a defence mechanism to confuse predators as they do not know whether its coming or going. Much sought after by tropical fish collectors as they dont require feeding. Not an attractive fish which everway you look at it.
  • Toilet Duck: Inhabits the shoreline of the bay feeding on bog weed and small smellyfish.

Sport & Pastimes[edit]

Kinvara G.A.A - Hurling[edit]

A local sport developed by locals, to be played by locals, as an early and largely unsuccessful attempt to curb binge drinking.

Run on a shoestring budget, hardworking G.A.A members hold many fund raising events such as table quizzes and a popular weekly lottery. These have enabled the club to provide facilities for tea and light refreshments on match days, erect flood lights for midweek training and construct a 55,000 seat stadium with conference facilities.

Soccer[edit]

Paul McGrath won 83 caps for Ireland between 1985 and 1997, a figure surpassed by Michael Staunton, who currently has 6,849 caps for Kinvara to date. In 1999, Staunton was presented with an award by Kinvara United F.C. for surpassing the 5,000 cap mark. At the gala award ceremony, Staunton was quoted as stating "Up the Banner!"

A well timed tackle takes place during the Streptococcal Cup

Kinvara has long played host to the annual "Streptococcal Cup" tournament, in which games takes place once a week behind the local kindergarten. The tournament was so-named after the healthy amount of unhealthy bacteria which abound the venue. Many feel it reached it's pinnacle in the 98-99 season when the budding Bard brothers (triplets some say) first demonstrated their outlandish keepey-uppey skills.

The tournament has attracted a large number of Italian talent scouts who have come to view the exhibitionists exhibit their skills, but they were largely disappointed with the quality of the diving. The players invariably told them to feck off and go to Doolin if they wanted to see diving. Boasting an average scoreline of 97 - 84, the tournament finally fell into some decline with the departure of regular players in recent years. Whilst the matches still regularly take place, they are now generally played on a Subbuteo table.

Kinvara Bay Herring Club[edit]

A shitty version of Kinsale Yacht Club where Blow-In families can send their children to learn the craft of falling out of crap boats properly.

Parents take full safety precautions by observing the events from Connolly's pub.

Kinvara Ai Yaki Dai Dojo[edit]

A martial art developed in Wales in the 1970's by Cardiff nightclub bouncers allowing the practioner to cause the maximum amount of physical harm with the minimum amount of provable criminal intent.

The Arts[edit]

Painting[edit]

Kinvara is home to many talented painters often using the drama and brooding splendour of the Sea and the Burren to influence their inspiring, sensitive, yet inexplicably expensive work. Can you get any of them to do a reasonable job of painting a hallway and staircase? No you can't! What are we meant to do? Cover our walls in these so-called works of art? Let's be honest here, half of the time you can't even tell what it's meant to be!

Writing[edit]

There are two kinds of writer living in Kinvara - Talented and Bitter.

The "talented" ones write children's novels, are feted internationally, earning a good living yet preserving artistic integrity in a way that is beginning to slip away even from the likes of J.K. Rowling, whilst the bitter ones vent their spleen and peddle what they claim is wit on weak parody websites.

Entertainment & Leisure[edit]

Kinvara is known for its array of pubs which help keep the citizens sedated and tourists hospitalised.

The Pubs of Kinvara[edit]

Greens Pub[edit]

Owned and run by the Irish National Heritage Trust. Frequented by Blow Ins, the parts of Locals are all performed by actors.

Connolly's[edit]

A version of Greens run purely for profit by the Disney Corporation.

Winkles (Demolished in 2006)[edit]

Winner of Best pub in Kinvara in 2007 and 2008

Ould Plaid Shawl (closed in 2008)[edit]

Owned and run by actor Michael Caine, frequented by swinging, mini skirted chicks and hard cockney rogues. It is now a "virtual" pub and may challenge Winkles for the title of Best Pub in Kinvara 2009.

The Merriman Hotel[edit]

Basis and setting of the 7O's classic, cult horror film "The Merri Man" starring Edward Woodwardward and Brute Ecklandland.

Tully's[edit]

Many doubt the existence of this pub dismissing it as primitive superstition or an urban myth. However several locals claim to have not only seen Tully's but to have been abducted by its occupants and subjected to a series of strange experiments. HMs fav.

Flatley's[edit]

Not actually a real pub; it is in reality the owner's front room but this does not stop people arriving nightly, waking him up and demanding drink. Beneath Flatley's is Ireland's largest nightclub and roller disco, regularly hosting Foam Parties, Ibiza Nights, Orgies and Over 60's Hardcore House Mash Ups.

Conole's[edit]

A local bar for local people, be careful not to touch the precious things. Site of the original resting place of the Children of Cunn Ni Linn.

The Pier Head[edit]

Kinvara's only venue for Lapp Dancing - performed by Bjornda Pjaal, who ended up in Kinvara after taking a wrong turn in her native North Norway during the long Winter night. Like all foreigners who end up in the Pier Head she is never allowed to leave.

Sexton's[edit]

A pub in Kinvara.

Keogh's[edit]

Popular Pub, Restaurant and Funeral Parlour. Allegedly run as separate businesses they are often financially complementary. Many guests of the pub or restaurant have saved their families unnecessary costs and unpleasant laundry by being taken directly to the adjacent mortuary. Motto "From the ladle to the grave"

Celtic Tiger Theme Park[edit]

Started in 2006 by infamous local cowboy Wyatt Twerp, The Celtic Tiger Theme park is situated to the east of Kinvara, offering tourists and locals a chance to appreciate "Modern Ireland" without the usual risks of knifings or bankruptcy.

Visitors can wander through street after street of abandoned or half built houses. It allows them to have a real time interactive "infotainment" experience with Celtic Tiger survivors such as Grumpy Banker, Suicidal Developer, Bent CoCo officer and of course the Weeping Crack Whore.

Spend a day or two on the Brazilian/Polish Kerbside waiting for work just like the real workers used to do before they all rather sensibly f**ked off back home.

There are many gifts and mementos for visitors: Bricks may be purchased singly or by the pallet; Signed & framed planning site notices - featuring many imaginative and outlandish changes; Buckfast or Aldi Cider in authentic brown paper souvenir wrapping

It has something for everyone but be warned it is very realistic and just like the real Celtic Tiger it is ultimately a brief, shallow experience that leaves you out of pocket, feeling grubby and somewhat ashamed.

Business, Shops and Services[edit]

Shopping in Kinvara[edit]

Most of Kinvara’s stores focus on the fairly lucrative “stuff I forgot to get at Tesco’s” and briquettes market.

Burke’s Londis Plus[edit]

The recently opened Plus store is a great improvement on the previous Non-Plus store in that it has an extra 2 square foot of floor space, a slightly different shaped layout and 32 checkouts. To ensure all checkouts get an equal amount of use the five staff have to follow a strict Till rotation system.

To make way for the Plus store a number of local landmarks were destroyed these included the most famous pub in the west of Ireland, a fairy ring, an orphanage, a grave yard, the largest cave in Ireland and a hospital.

The owners have recently annexed the market square for their sole use despite this being in contravention of planning permission and United Nations resolution 16669. When questioned the owner justified his actions by saying “F£$% the UN, F&%$ An Bord Pleanala and F*£& you too!” The ability to speak in control-shift is an old family tradition.

Fallon’s Costcutter[edit]

Costcutter sells the same items as Londis but with the advantage that everything is in easy arms reach. It also is home to Kinvara’s only video rental service stocking a wide range of Betamax tapes.

The store is staffed by a varied and changing array of pretty girls making it the most popular store in Kinvara for men of a certain age.

Liddy's Costcutter[edit]

This is a Drive-thru Costcutter it stocks the same product range as the other stores but has the novelty of everything having a hint of petrol for an enhanced shopping experience.

Services[edit]

Kinvara Pharmacy[edit]

The second largest drug dealer in Kinvara.

"Print my name and you’re dead"[edit]

The largest drug dealer in Kinvara

Leech's Village Crafts[edit]

Leech’s holds the Connacht craft shop record, against some formidable competition, for the longest period without selling a single item, currently 24 years. If you want to annoy the owner try to buy something when the pubs are open.

Healing Harvest[edit]

This is the healthiest shop in Galway stocking a wide range of organic products, complementary medicines, herbs and pure uncut Columbian Chocolate. It is so healthy that just stepping into the shop makes you instantly feel better unfortunately this has a detrimental effect on sales as a simple one minute walk round the shop is enough to give one such a feeling of well being and energy that there is no need to buy anything.

Complementary Therapy[edit]

Kinvara Seaweed Therapy Centre[edit]

This allows (mostly) part-time bohemian middle class women to experience the joy and life affirming experience of swimming with Sea Weeds. Forming a bond with these semi-intelligent lumps of green slime has been known to improve health and well being, and the Sea Weed is meant to be quite good as well.

Burren Yoghurt Centre[edit]

A haven of peace and tranquility where part-time bohemian middle class women can come and be smeared in yoghurt while contorting their bodies into a myriad of relaxing yet not quite unattractive forms.

It also offers "observation" sessions where people can come and watch the yoghurt coated cavorting women. This is very popular with farmers in their sixties who have tired of goats.

Crushoa "Jaysus, You're looking mighty!" Retreat[edit]

Started by locals wishing to cash in on lucrative alternative therapies popular with neurotic blow-ins. It is largely based on the ancient Celtic mis-spelling and misunderstanding of the word complementary

A 1 hour session, costing 250 euro, consists of being told in as many ways as possible how good you are, how nice your hair is, how funny you are and how you must be very proud of your children. For an extra 50 euros they will keep on asking if you have lost weight.

Research has shown it to be just as effective as all the other alternative therapies that are available in Galway.

Health and Safety[edit]

Vermin[edit]

In recent years several pubs have become infested with 'toddlers'; these unhygienic, disease ridden creatures can be seen at anytime, day or night, scurrying over tables and bartops or feeding on their natural food - Taytos and green stuff. They can cause havoc and serious damage - on one occasion they knawed through Old Tom's walking stick rendering it useless for its purpose of thrashing tourists.

Large Brood of Toddlers heading towards Connellys on a Sunday

The infestation is often defended by 'parents' who go on and on about how "child friendly" the bars and restuarants are in Spain and Italy while ignoring the obvious fact that if its that good they should go and live there.

The infestation is reminiscent of the Bodhran Player plague of the early nineties which at one point was so bad that trad sessions consisted entirely of bodhran players and no muscians. They were eventually drummed out of town in 1995. A few isolated rogue players still remain and can be spotted sitting in corners working out how to drink a pint while holding a beater.

Alcholism[edit]

This is Kinvara's most popular disease and is celebrated amongst all age groups. Attempts by AA to put in place their Twelve Step program to combat the problem have failed largely due to the fact that within twelve steps of most Kinvara pubs is another pub. It is also thought that getting a motorists organisation to tackle a serious health and social issue may have been a mistake but it did result in many Kinvara drunks obtaining surprisingly cheap car insurance.

Exports[edit]

  • Kinvara Smoked Cigarettes
  • Students

Language[edit]

Kinvara has three languages. 'Local' spoken by the Locals, 'Yeeeeahmaaan' as spoken by the hippies, and 'West British' spoken by the Blow Ins.

Interesting Facts[edit]

  • Kinvara is completely submerged underwater up to three times daily depending on the tides. For this reason it is often referred to as the New Orleans of the North.
  • Kinvara cats differ from Manx Cats in that they have a tail but do not have a body.
  • All 123 of the surviving members of the Waffen-SS live in Kinvara.
  • Kinvara is twinned with Balamory.
  • Kinvara holds the world record for ignored breaches of Planning Regulations currently standing at 97830, beating the previous record holder, Jerusalem, by 1035.
  • Kinvara was originally located 3 miles outside Tuam, but after a successful campaign by settled Travellers it was forced to move on.
  • Kinvara Market Square is the only market square in Ireland where market trading is banned.

Quotes about Kinvara[edit]

“One of the Greatest Shites in the World!”

~ Sean Connery on the view over Kinvara Bay

“To Dell or Kinvara.”

~ Oliver Cromwell on returning his faulty PC to the manufacturers

“It inspired me to write "The Speed of the Sound of Loneliness".”

~ John Prine on spending November in Kinvara

“Actually lads I think we're lost.”

~ The Lonely Planet Guide

“It accounts for 78% of our Irish Market.”

~ Buckfast Abbey spokesman on their wine sales in Kinvara

“We try to get there at least once a year.”

~ Kinvara Community Gardai

“Its the only place left in Europe where we can carry out our unsavoury pratices without fear of retribution.”

“Is Kevin Sexton still playing for Kinvara?”

~ First words by Neslon Mandela on his release from prison

Kinvara Postcards[edit]

Images of Kinvara[edit]

Nearby Places[edit]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

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