Kirby

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“Can that mouth swallow anything? Yes, please!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Kirby

“This is one soft fucking pillow!”

~ My ass on Kirby

“I didn't inhale.”

~ Kirby on not inhaling
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Kirby (Kirbywave2.gif) was a morbidly obese, pink fatty and an award-winning singer/songwriter/guitarist who also is a living void. He had an interesting and varied life, and is buried in his Madrid villa. He had the strange ability to inhale things into his mouth. He once was the world champion of Kitten Huffing, but lost his title to Muhammad Ali in 1997.

The Life and Times of Kirby[edit]

Contrary to popular belief, Kirby was not a Pokémon nor a type of anal lube. Someone said Kirby was born in 28 August 1945 at Sunshine House International Hospital in Sunisland District, Hongland,

But official sources confirmed that Kirby was born in 28 March 1945 at St Gallon Cantonal Hospital, In St Gallonsworth Switzerland. While Magolor and his gay butt buddy Taranza were living in St Gallonsworth, He was born some time in the 1800s, to King Dedede of the planet Popstar, and Meta Knight's younger sisters, Veta Knight, Crystal Knight and Princess Anaheim, as well as his younger brothers Lord Harold B. Nimble and Lord Adalbert T. Nimble.

Rumor has it: In a freak birthing accident, Meta Knight's younger sister Veta Knight (at age 13) was inhaled by Kirby, killing her instantly. This is why he is pink to this current day, as she had too much rosy make up on her lips. In rage and sorrow, King Dedede picked Kirby up by one flabby arm, swung him around 37 times, and threw him into space. Kirby, however, proved to be immune to space's lack of air, and instead inhaled what was there anyway.

When Kirby finally returned, it was apparent that Kirby had not eaten for around 3 years. He began consuming other beings that inhabited Popstar, such as waddle dees, bronto burts, and pretty much everything that he saw. He soon grew an addiction to these creatures, and developed Binge Eating Disorder during his childhood years on a cold, rural peninsula, being raised by a kind family whose skin and characteristics resembled The Simpsons.

Actual Infant Story[edit]

This legend is false, Kirby adored his alcoholic grandfather too much to devour any round ol' wanker in that Swiss hospital. His actual egg and sperm donors and bearers were two unknown heterosexual puffballs of his same species and breed, but his father rejected him at birth due to the fact that their SON was born PINK, a freaking girl color! Mom wanted to keep Kirby, but her husband immediately placed their newborn into adoption where Kirby and 500 other puffball infants were placed into "spaceship nurseries", massive flying disks that deported him and the other infants to foreign planets.

Despite extremely proficient infant care supplies and hospitality, not all of those little wankers would make it. But Kirby sure damn did!

By the time Kirby was transported into Popstar, his unknown father got into a frenzy shortly after arriving home and used a beer bottle to beat Kirby's mother to a bloody pulp.

The above rumor (above the actual story) is supposedly why Kirby is so fat, and why in most of the Kirby games, each world's name is named after a certain food, for example: Nutty Noon, Candy Constellation, Olive Ocean (supposedly to please him, when in reality Nintendo's dumbshit staff members give overly babyish names to planets to appeal to younger audiences below 6...)

The Life and Times of Kirby (continued)[edit]

Kirby's childhood was pretty ordinary on Pupupu Peninsula, Planet Popstar, as he enjoyed attending the village school, playing village games, volunteering at Kawasaki's restaurant, and befriending his first gal pals Ribbon the Fairy, Chuchu the Octopus]] and Adeleine the Painter at his local school. The one odd thing is that he's always had unusual powers such as inhalation (not in a drug-abuse sense) and copying abilities obtained by his ingested villains known as Demon Beasts, from robotic kitchen utensil monsters to extremely odd dinosaurs containing traces of the villagers' DNA. Some he hasn't gained abilities from are even more freaks of nature like a giant snorting human nose and a disgruntled robot that split Kirby in half.

Kirby first experienced puberty and a wet dream one night on August 12, 1959 while watching The Halcandra Crashers on TV with his adoptive family of Fumu, Bun the Villager, Parm and Memu. This freaked out his older now-adult sister Fumu in fears of becoming impregnated whilst on her period, while Memu rushed to the nearest dollar store to pick up a spray bottle, bleach, and Oxi Clean to clean up their pink-ass son's wet mess.

Kirby later became homeschooled at age 14 in October 11, 1959 due to multiple severe bullying reports by his supervisor that wanker kids in his special ed math class whipped him with broken rulers and made him inhale soiled jeans while his special ed teacher used the restroom.

He also had immunodeficiency and frequently caught diarrhea and the 24 hour stomach bug by unhealthy students almost every month throughout his school years. These two reoccurring scenarios convinced Sir Arthur High to instill commie cameras in all their classrooms, and require that all sick students wear facial protection shit for the TLC of their students.

Not much is known about Kirby's regular or homeschooling experience, but according to Fumu, put in her own words "He (Kirby) became extremely fascinated into music and singing." She also purchased him a music rhythm machine for his 15th birthday, and for the remainder of Kirby's family years the family had to wear noise-blocking headphones every night. Pretty brief information...

The Beginning of Rock[edit]

Cover art from Kirby's 1993 release - Adventure

He REALLY shook things up by introducing super dee duper rock and roll to his bumfuck small town at age 16 in 1961, when he found a Fender guitar lying on the side of the road (after having inhaled the person playing it). It almost seemed like Kirby had gained newfound powers the moment his tiny paws touched the enchanted guitar. He soon went on to release his first album, "Brussels Sprouts and Intestinal Gas" and went on to release several more albums, with catchy songs like Halcandra Crash'Em's Fanfare!, "Halcandra's Big Brother of Glory!" and DIRTY CRAPPED JEANS WITH DEBRITINE!. Kirby owed much of his indie career to such alliterations.

Originally he was going to call himself by the composer name 'Super Big Inhaler!' and call his first album 'Hell Candra' but those ideas were scrapped as his arch enemy Maximum Profit Haltmann (by his composer name of Depths O' Flames released an indie album by that same fucking name!

Kirby revolutionized guitar playing in 1970. with his debut guitar simulator "WorkTime Muscle Aniki!" while he and his siblings and elderly parents visited Okinawa, Japan where he was awarded 12 Grammy awards for being so freaking awesome and having dozens of Japanese schoolgirls in stockings hug and cuddle him on stage! It was later noted that he ejaculated on the face of Ayumi Hamazaki onstage after receiving the awards from her.

Kirby was now actually in the middle of a lawsuit against a metal rock band in Hokkaido for one of his songs which contained mild copyright infringement. As it turns out, the tune to that Hokkaido band's "THE FLESH OF NIBUTANI VILLAGE" is identical to Kirby's "DIRTY CRAPPED JEANS WITH DEBRITINE!" song.

Upon hearing this, the emperor of Japan placed Kirby in a mental institution for 2 weeks due to his live sexual encounter with Ms. Hamazaki, and then placed in a Nibutani prison cell for 3 months with deranged female Pokefags that set Nibutani Village on fire with illegal fireworks for their lack of living Pokemon creatures in the area, having obtained them from gas stations in Columbia, South Carolina, USA. Kirby and his even-more developmentally dyspraxic, speech impaired friend Gooey also spent 2 months in intense occupational and physical rehab in a Kumamoto rehab centre by a team of sexy male asian doctors for their spinal injuries and limb weakness they've obtained on a freak ship accident from the San Diego ship that transported them to Okinawa! Gooey was given embarrising language training by a Sanrio-obsessed Korean therapist there named Ms. Wae as well for 5 months.

Kirby became a true pop icon in Japan, Earth and Port Lorsworth, Halcandra at the height of his slimming physique (thanks to adhering to the Lean Diet and consuming 5 Holy Protein Bars a week, and even the great Mick Jagger claims to be inspired by him. To put his awesomeness in Kirby's own words, as well as his worship for Magolor: "CHOU MAHOROA ANIKIIIIIII!!!!!".

The End of Rock[edit]

Kirby was institutionalized in Nibutani twice, once in 1996, and a second time later in 1999, the first time was on allegations of being under the influence of Holy Protein stolen from Mr. Haltmann's medicine cabinet (along with Dr. Aiko's Maximum Probiotic Strain Capsules whilst wearing a stolen Ainu dress and eating three packets of Dr. Hiiro's Genmai Clusters while refusing to co-operate with local Japanese police forces.

The second time he performed "Dr. Aiko' Badass Probiotics!" song, it threw Nature's Way corp in Tokyo into a MAJOR copyright meltdown. The Japanese president punished Kirby by imprisoning him in an all-male prison in Busan, South Korea for 2 weeks, where Kirby met the two homosexual western bodybuilders of Cho Aniki for the very first time, having swell oral sex which resulted in Kirby being electro-shocked and fed chill pills with sugar-free pudding by doctors in-building.

Also, to worsen the situation, Kirby had previously released several songs with names such as "Kimmy-Waah!" and "Genmai Tea Biceps!"

After the decline of his presence in the music industry, he brought out his own biography, the "Halcandra Aniki" series, which was disowned by his loyal fans.

In the year 2000, he surprised every Californian in their awesome, highly progressive state and pleased many people with his groundbreaking album, "A Cat-Like Alien and his Viagra". This refreshing and interesting new take on Kirby's mixed music genres appeared to be his final outing before a breakdown. After a mysterious disappearance since the 2001 9/11 attacks on the Big Ben clock tower in London, Kirby was later thought to be killed whilst visiting his French-English friend, Escargon in his tea house and bakery.

Fans worldwide expressed remorse in the loss, even to the point of American teens cutting themselves. Meta Knight took his mask off, grew a huge pulsating wiener for the first time in years and got drunk, drinking mostly French beer. Unfortunately for Meta knight, this was the perfect chance for "The Finders from Salisbury" to get him. It took twelve armed men to arrest him for engaging in sexual acts with 5 drunk teenage women.

Regenesis[edit]

Kirby proved that the rumors of his demise were unfounded by releasing his latest album, "Nightmare in Dream Land" in 2002, with new tracks like Nig the Nog and Beaner Busting. The new album was wildly popular and reminded people of Kirby's earlier albums, before he got into drugs and 64-bit systems. It seemed as though all Kirby fans praised Kirby's unexpected comeback. Even King Dedede was happy to see his return. However, Meta Knight grew incredibly angry, as he felt he had betrayed himself for showing his face in Kirby's lifetime. He taped his torn mask back together and hid himself from general view, going off to who knows where for a "reflection". Some gossips say that Kirby actually faked his own death as soon as he heard of the terrorist attacks (Source 'Gossip Girl'). The reason was to increase sales, which is a rather desperate move if it proves to be true. Kirby denies it, saying that he was not in public too much as he was vigorously working on his new music.

Revenge of Meta Knight[edit]

Within a few weeks of Kirby's reappearence, he was attacked by a muscular mutant puffball who did 1000 pushups daily and consumed Holy Protein shakes on a regular basis. This mutant beast turned out to be Kirby's biceps-bearing counterpart. Kirby was punched by this yellow beast 13 times before fainting...

Everyone who witnessed the attack agreed that the silhouette says that it looked just like Muscular Dedede only as a yellow puffball. When Meta Knight and his siblings from the Galaxy Soldier Army were brought in for questioning, they denied the accusations.

Recovery[edit]

Despite the fact that Kirby received several extreme injuries from this beast in London, authorities were weary in prosecuting the perpetrator due to several mentally deficient, suicidal teens snorting condoms and suffocating to death in protest, so they immediately sent all the teens and Kirby to the ER, the only survivor being the beloved pink puff... (every other patient died from snorting condoms).

The attack had rendered Kirby to life support and a CPAP machine that would be required for several months. During this time, highly trained scientists from Brazil (who happened to be loyal fans of Kirby's works there, in Portuguese) formed an alliance and began a secret project to clone Kirby by using his extracted DNA, as they believed the clone would produce death metal music of the same (if not better) quality.

Their plan to create this clone would be swiftly moved to their actual headquarters (In Chicago) in better treatment. However, prototypes had to be created in order to test the reliability of the final product. When Kirby at long last recovered from life support (after 6 months!), the mad scientists quietly abandoned their project since they achieved their goal.

The clones were eager to meet Kirby, so on one fateful day, they followed him to the racing event held in Port Lorsworth's biggest stadium, in an event known as 'Swift Air Ride'. Kirby felt thrilled to meet other puffs like him, but couldn't be convinced to join their sports team until Cook Kawasaki, a chef who was hired to prepare food for the gathering of Halcandran citizens, mad scientists, and Popstar visitors brought in a massive catering stand with gourmet pasta and wine. He was then eaten by Kirby's ferocious fishy friend Kine the Sunfish on live TV because he smelled like pork katsu. This shocked many viewers of the town's local sports team, The Golden Gears, and was featured in news headlines across the city shortly after the game ended.

The Band[edit]

Soon after, Kirby formed a band and Halcandran Gym with three of his clones (Blue Biceps Boy -Blake-, Plump Yellow Muscleman -Alex-, and Geared Green Soldier-Carmen-) and released an album called "We Adore the Lor!" for the city stadium as a gift. Though it was popular, due to disagreements and fights between the audience, eventually ending when Kirby jerked off and performed hardcore sexual acts on stage with Red, Yellow, and Green, the band lasted for only 1 year and a half. He went on to release a solo album in 2005 called Fine Feathered Friends with Claws (in honour of the city's official bird-like creatures). It was embraced by some longtime Kirby fans, but not everyone was happy with it. Still, it was given good reviews for its use of revolutionary guitar technology and recordings of real squawks from their pet Doomers.

A fully English soundtrack released in 2005 called "Big Brother Blake!" was rumored to be hitting the markets. However, it had been cancelled when Kirby went into major depression for the poor performance by Canada in the 2004 Olympics. So this album wasn't released until October 31, 2011.

He Is Currently Remixing DJ Gear-Woman's "Cog-Wheel Kaleidoscope" with his new set of Turntables, pet peacocks, authentic African and Portuguese instruments and MacBook Pro. It Is Said That The Remix Album Will Be Coming Out Somewhere Around 2015.

Super Smash Bros. Career[edit]

Kirby sucking everything in his way

One peaceful day, while he was strolling through some fruity rainbow place called Dream Land, Kirby received a very interesting message by the mailman from Zelda. He was invited to fight with Nintendo's greatest heroes and villians! The letter included a plane ticket to Bejiing, and he was off. He finally made his way to the Super Smash tournament, where he preceeded to lose in the first round to Dwight D. Eisenhower (who was subsequently defeated by Captain Falcon, shocking the world over).

The world expected Kirby to place higher in the sequels since Dwight D. Eisenhower had recently retired from the tournament due to an injury to his armpit, but then was defeated Michael Jackson in the final few seconds of the round. Surprisingly, he placed 3rd and 4th in the next two Super Smash Bros. tournaments, respectively (Michael Jackson, not Kirby). Kirby then proceeded to stray away from tournaments, until a new chance appeared, Kitten Huffing!!!!!!!!!!!! Unfortunately, he was beaten by Weegee in 2007 which ended his carreer

Kirby's Relations[edit]

After Kirby had stopped his band, he settled with the new Mrs. Kirby, got down like jackrabbits and had over one hundred children. However, his wife and kids are very seldom seen. Some say that they, in fact, do not exist. The name "Mrs. Kirby" is also just as uncreative as the alleged "Ms. Pac-Man". Kirby repeatedly assured the media that they are real, just "camera-shy".

Alleged Death[edit]

Kirby was so popular, he had a brand of vacuum cleaners named after him.

After the unimaginative roller coaster that was the "Squeak Squad" album, Kirby went into another depression. He decided it was time for him to leave the world of retards. After months of planning how to die, he decided he would eat until he had explosive diarrhea. He would then decide he would eat New Jersey. After eating the Garbage State, he had a heart attack and was laid to rest in Mushroom Land in 16 March 2018, He aged 73, But Someone said Kirby was coma again died in Little Knightsbridge International Hospital in Rosebriage District in Hongland, whereas Mario ate his liver and then died too from explosive diarrhea.

Resurrection[edit]

After Kirby died, of course no one expected him to show up ever again after his week-long television tributes. In 2008, there was a surprise released in the Super Star Ultra album. While fans criticized it for the new material being "un-Kirby like," nevertheless it was still a big hit. This led to rampant rumors that Kirby had once again publicly faked his death, or that one of his clones were taking over his spot. There are even some who believe that Meta Knight dipped himself in pink paint and mimicked Kirby's voice after his death. Meta Knight, who reportedly had a hand in the album (and repeatedly slammed King Dedede in it), officially offers no comment. The album ends with a chilling song called "Marx Soul," which is along the lines of "0" and "Nightmare." It ends with a remixed version of Kirby's infamous death-inducing screech. Those who survived have noted that the production list of Kirby's company also lists a supposedly final new album for release in later 2009, which will apparently consist of unreleased material that was unmarketable in Kirby's lifetime.