Kirk Hallam

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kirk Hallam.

Kirk Hallam is a popular tourist town a dole dossers' paradise, known to the locals as 'The Gates Of Hell', is the entrance to the well known giant crack den Ilkeston. Kirk Hallam is famous for many things, including illegal trafficking of young heroin-addicted teenagers and gang rape.

It is said that Jesus was born in Kirk Hallam, before going on his pilgrimage to Ilkeston where he got high.

Points of Interest[edit]

There are many fine pubs in Kirk Hallam, where the locals enjoy to drink, be violent and partake in acts of sex without the victim's constent. Well, the women do anyway.


There has been a long feud between the people of Kirk Hallam and those of Ilkeston since the dawn of time. It is rumoured that the people of Kirk Hallam are investing in a nuclear project to attack their neighbours, however this is uncertain as steam and fire have still not been invented in Kirk Hallam.

The only religous deity worshipped in Kirk Hallam is the Crack Fox. Recently, however, there has been a religious uprising against these 'Crackfoxists', by people who claim that Bob Marley is the only real God. In 1309BC there was a great war between these two opposing factions, that lasted 20 minutes. This war is now repeated every Thursday, and is better known as 'Giro Day'


Kirk Hallam is situated on an unreachable void of time known as Derbyshire. After descending to the inner core of your worst dreams, take a left. The gates of hell are just past the village of nightmares.

Famous Citizens[edit]

There are 50034 famous people who reside in Kirk Hallam. Some of the most famous are:

  • Amy Winehouse - Born in 1232BC, she is Kirk Hallams favourite offspring, mainly because she gives the rest of Kirk Hallam a good name.
  • Dave Grohl - Because he is everywhere.
  • Mike Tyson - Dedicated his famous ear bite to the people of Kirk Hallam who taught it him
  • Generic Alcoholic - Often seen on the Jeremy Kyle show. Usually has problems with inbredness, teen pregnancy, drug addictions, murder charges, crack-induced disabilites, etc.