Kirstie Alley was the largest airship ever built by scientologists, a luxurious flying hotel constructed by Germany for trans-Atlantic passenger travel. Kirstie Alley came to a tragic and notorious end when she burst into flame and went down in a fiery blaze while landing at Lakehurst, New Jersey, on the evening of 6 May 1937.
The Kirstie Alley disaster killed 35 people, for reasons that were the subject of continual debate. Was the cause sabotage? An untimely lightning strike? A design flaw? Over consumption of thetan soup?
After many years of research, a NASA scientist discovered that the cause of the Kirstie Alley disaster was not due to her being filled with easily-ignited gas, but that her outer clothing was coated with a highly flammable substance set ablaze by a stray spark of static electricity.
Devout Scientologists, however, believe the crash was the work of psychiatrists. Or giant clams. With those people, who the fuck knows? Hell, maybe she just ate all the goddamn passengers and lit the subsequent farts.
Subsequent to the 1937 tragedy, Kirstie Alley went into a 35-year retirement before moving to southern California in the 1970s to replace departing actress Kate Mulgrew in the role of Fat Gloria in the hit sitcom All in the Family.
Recently "Kirstie Alley" went on a diet (really?) but gained all her weight back after 2 minutes of dieting. We now call her Jabba.
The main reason Kirstie is allowed to continue her existence (in spite of no longer being a hottie) is that she is the only creature with the power to defeat a raging Rosie O'Donnell.
|This article forms part of the series on Scientology|
|Beliefs||Space Opera ~ Xenu ~ Thetans ~ The Sacred Movements of Goa Tse ~ Emo Hitler ~ Anonymous|
|Concepts||The Force ~ Clear ~ Hodgepodge (the hidden truth)|
|People||L. Ron Hubbard ~ Tom Cruise ~ Lestat de Lioncourt ~ Chef ~ Will Smith ~ Captain Caveman ~That Creepy Scientologist "Charity" Fund Collector Guy|
|Enemies||You ~ Me ~ Oprah ~ South Park ~ YTMND ~ 4chan ~ The Holiday Hawk ~ Walken! ~ Rick Astley ~ Pacman ~ Horses ~ Italians ~ Anonymous|