From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Kittridge on the front cover of Time Magazine, before its reincarnation as Time After Time Magazine

Eugene Kittridge (or Evgeny Sczit Kunst von Murky-Interior) might lead you to believe he is the mole, but in fact, he is not. Ethan Hunt once believed Kittridge was the mole. But it was only until about 70 minutes later, when, during a spate of confusing flashbacks, that he finally came to his senses.

Early Life[edit]

Evgeny Sczit Kunst von Murky-Interior was born in Langley, Virgina, to his Austro-Hungarian ex-pat parents, who were relieving themselves on duty during World War II. They were, in fact, moles, and had burrowed their home underneath the site where the CIA Headquarters were to be built a few years later. They surfaced during the construction of the CIA staff toilets. With most of their skin completely soiled in dirt, the family were well disguised, and began their infiltration of the CIA by offering a variety of perfumes and hand towels in the toilets in exchange for a small tip, or, most often, nothing. Or perhaps a racial slur and a slap.

William Dunloe, at this time a junior member of staff helping compile the NOC list, saw this exploitation of blacks as restroom servants as a mighty fine business idea, and soon began selling his very own slaves to nightclub owners across the globe. For this he was promoted to a more senior position with a grand office - a large, tall room with no windows and 3 security systems in operation whenever the technician was out of the room. The first was, and still is sound sensitive; anything above a whisper will set it off. The second is temperature-sensitive. Even the body heat of an unauthorized person inside the vault can trigger the alarm if the temperature rises just a single degree. And that temperature is controlled by an air conditioning vent 30 feet above the vault floor. That vent is guarded by a laser net. The third one is on the floor, and it's pressure sensitive. Just the slightest increase in weight will set it off. And any of these systems, if set off, will trigger an automatic lockdown.

Later in life, Kittridge believed Ethan Hunt when he was told that all 3 systems are state of the art.

Kittridge's parents are the moles[edit]

During a pleasant summer's day in 1973, Kittridge's parents, whom had now rapidly progressed through the ranks and become typists, had their cover blown. In other words, the game was up. They were the moles.

Kittridge, it should be pointed out at this point, although the son of two convicted moles, was completely oblivious to this fact, and, fortunately, had taken a separate path than that of his parents and was an assistant to the cheery fellow whose job it was to polish the big DEFCON lights in the big room with the enormous screen, on which all the senior heads of department watch the latest images from the satellite feed. Kittridge was long suspected as being another mole; however, since his ties with his parents were not clear the CIA cleared him of the charge. Thus began a stigma which remained with him for the rest of his career.

Kittridge's ascension through the ranks of the CIA[edit]

As time passed, Kittridge became a learned and experienced agent in the CIA, and was widely respected throughout the intelligence community. Despite this, Kittridge was often the subject of office jokes, including such classics as:

Agent Barnes: "Hey Kittridge, let me take a look at your face, I just wanna see if I can find any moles."

William Dunloe: "What did Kittridge say to the operations officer?" Agent Barnes: "I don't know" William Dunloe: "Exactly! HA HA!" Agent Barnes: "Because he was a mole, right?" William Dunloe: "Yeah!" Agent Barnes: "Dunloe, you're shit, get out of my face and go vomit somewhere. Twat."

William Dunloe, it should be noted, was indeed shit. But incidentally, did vomit many times in the staff toilets, resulting in the Great Security Breach of 1996.

Kittridge's Magnum Opus[edit]

Vanessa Redgrave, the great conspiracy theorist and author of the international best-seller Who Are You, And What Are You Doing Here?, had initiated a plot to confirm Kittridge as a mole. In response to this, Kittridge set up a mole hunt, much to the mirth of his colleagues.

To cut a long story short, it was a success, and Vanessa, certain she had "something I have that you want", was extradited to Liverpool Street Station to be sold off as a whore.

Kittridge, realising the importance of quitting whilst ahead, gracefully resigned, happily leaving behind the constant suspicion of his being a mole.

Kittridge enters the world of publishing[edit]

After a long, enduring tenure in unintentional deception, Kittridge threw in the towel and concentrated his efforts in a career as Time Magazine Man Of The Year. It was the year 1998. Kittridge was an immediate success, and still holds the position today. His average, neutral looks and curiously thin lips had also earned him Time Magazine's coveted internal prize, the Man Of The Year Man Of The Year Award.

Kittridge became great friends with Time Magazine's then President, Morgan Freeman and, noticing Time's worn, coffee and tobacco-stained image, urged Freeman to adapt the magazine radically. Freeman had a habit of including himself in the magazine more often than necessary, and before Kittridge could get to him, Freeman had been fired. Not realising this, Kittridge confronted him in the street the very same day. Freeman replied, "I'm sorry, I no longer have the time". For a while, Kittridge suspected Freeman of being a mole. This was not the case. Freeman was not the mole.

A long, painful battle between the board of directors and Kittridge ensued, but his power at Time had strengthened, resulting in his first-choice candidate, Cyndi Lauper, being installed as the new president. Thus, Time Magazine was forthwith borne with a revamped identity and the new name, Time After Time.

Eugene Kittridge has since been the face of Time After Time Magazine, simultaneously holding the record as both Man of The Year Undefeated Reigning Champion, a record previously held by Freeman, and Most Consecutive Appearances on the Front Cover of Time After Time Magazine (currently standing at 489 issues). He has been largely criticised for monopolising one of the world's most well-known and influential magazines with his own image, but the management let it slide, as they had more important matters.

Kittridge later confirmed to the press that this whole operation was a mole-hunt.