“I happen to be an expert on that subject.”
“The scope of my knowledge is so vast, a quote credited to me has been placed in virtually every Uncyclopedia article.”
Know-it-allism is the ability to instinctively know everything about everything at all times. In some very sad cases, it is referred to as "my-cubicle-neighbor-for-fifteen-very-long-years" syndrome.
Know-it-allism is practiced by a cluster of insignificant, yet extremely committed intellectuals, called know-it-allists. Questions like "What is the meaning of life?", "What is really going on inside the walls of Pentagon?", and "Is this pyramid-hoax-like-yet-not-really-a-pyramid-hoax-pyramid-hoax really a pyramid hoax?" are often asked and pondered upon by know-it-allists.
Phrases that Identify a Know-it-all
Generally speaking, a practitioner of know-it-allism can be easily identified if they utter any of the following phrases:
- "Well, duh!"
- "I told them, but they wouldn't listen to me - as usual!"
- "I could have told them exactly what would happen in Iraq after the invasion."
- "I know that all the so-called experts say the opposite, but when all is said and done, what do the experts really know?"
- "I knew it would happen, I just knew it! Explosives, kittens and open fire - they just don't mix well!"
The Know-it-allistic Paradox
Although a know-it-all will typically appear to know nearly everything and possess a very large intellect, they tend not to go for elevated careers. This is known as the know-it-allistic paradox (well, duh!). The reasons for this paradoxes' existence is still unconfirmed, but a common theory holds that an average know-it-all's brilliance is just too much for his superiors to handle, so they do all that they can to prevent him from rising in significance. It's better for all of us, really, because everyone know that we would all soon be out of work if a know-it-all came to any sort of real power. Another theory holds that most know-it-alls are far more interested in making other's lives a living hell than to do actual work.