|Egh, this article may be Overly Spartan. Persians may not be able to travel to Greece, only die. Or may only be kicked into a pit by Leonidas or slaughtered by Kratos. Don't change a thing to remedy this.|
“I AM KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATOS!!!”
“I DEMAND AN APPLE PIE THIS FUCKING INSTANT, FOR I AM SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN!!!”
“I'M THE GOD OF WAR!!!”
“I WILL MAKE YOU SUFFER!!!”
“It's over 9000!!!!!”
“Do you dare to DEFY me!? DEFY! DEFY! DEFY!”
“Foul beasts I shall send you back to the depths of Hades!”
“Fucking ginger bastard!”
“Now that's not very nice, is it?”
“ZEUS, I'M AFTER YOUR ASS!!!”
“I banged your sister...”
Kratos, not to be mistaken with Socrates(pronounced so-crates) from Bill & Ted's excellent adventure, arch-nemesis of Scooby-Doo, the near-immortal warrior from SPARTAAAAAAAAAAA!!, character from the failed 1980's TV show "All My Greeks" starring the never-ending talents of the baboon with the drill you see on the HowTo's. However, though being constantly denied by the man himself, the Kratos in question did make a sizeable appearance in the video game "Tales of Symphonia", where he has sacrificed his goatee, face paint and pimped dual-wielded BLADES OF CHAOS for massive quantities of gel-enhanced hair (ignoring the fact that they kick you down wells for that in Sparta), a single, more modestly designed sword, as well as clothes. Seeing as the continuity and chronology of the internal timeline in question is left somewhat unclear, heated discussion rages on between fans on whether Kratos within the narrative of the story first appeared in God of War, then grew hair and did Tales of Symphonia, or if the opposite is true. Also if he sought the aid of hair-loss cures or simply kept his head bald due to preference in GoW is the source of much furious debate among supporters of the "God of War first"-theory. More of this gruesome fandom-related trivia is also likely to blow your head up, so we'll call it quits now.
The Beginning of the Rivalry
The rivalry began in a pub, as always, Kratos and his long-time school friend King Leonidas (also from SPARTAAAAAAAAAAA!). It was Shaggy's birthday and he and Scooby went out for a drink. When Shaggy ordered a cranberry juice, King Leonidas asked: "cranberry juice? Are you on your period?". This provoked Shaggy into hitting King Leonidas with a bottle, and Leonidas responded with a "Spartan kick". This commotion made Scooby to give Leonidas a great big "ass- whooping". Kratos then re-entered the room after a short toilet break (on the Shit cannon) to see the mayhem. Kratos attacked Scooby but the stalemate lasted for weeks and the pub became a tourist attraction. Both could see that the fight could not be decided there and so entered The King of Iron Fist Tournament 861,922. However the tournament ran into financial difficulties(similar to the difficulties of which The King of Iron Fist Tournament 452,333 ran into) and had to be canceled.
Presently, Kratos works as an extra in various Greek-themed movies such as Disney's Hercules, whereas Scooby-doo continues to solve mysteries with the gang and mystery machine. However, the bitterness continues and when the two run into each other a fight ensues. The latest clash was in 2011 in Paris(due to a time rift located in Cardiff), Kratos found out that Scooby-doo and his friends were immune to Greek magic and so Kratos was forced to fight unarmed, but found out Scooby is not immune to SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN kicks. He has recently divorced Pamela Anderson and looks after their kid. Named Zeus Cronos Spartan-Anderson.
Kratos spends his leisure time giving out ratings of 1 to all of the men at hotornot.com who have any of the following:
- Sun tan
- A family
- An Apple iPhone
- 1,000,000 Persian heads (Spartan currency)
- A long term relation
Kratos also hates the shit out of Robbie Williams.
However, some dispute that Kratos is a character from the games: God of War, God of War: Chains of Olympus, and God of War II, or the much more awesome Kratos from Tales of Symphonia. In these games Kratos is a general of a SPARTAAAAAAAAAN!!! army who faces near death at the hands of 'The Barbarian King' and strikes a deal with the ever-so-frightening-ginger-god-of-war Ares. However in these games, Scooby-doo has not yet appeared and is believed to be appearing in the next game in the series God of War 3.
When playing the game, the player will notice the endless impossibilities, such as: "How does Kratos have the Blades of Chaos attached to his back when they are chained to his arms?" and "How the hell are those breasts that big? It's Ancient Greece!" and also "Wouldn't Ares be finished destroying Athens in three weeks?" God of War's gameplay is very simple, the puzzles are ultimately basic and fighting is repetitive and "contextual events" are always the same. Kratos' attacks consist of simple spinning or slamming the ground moves and soon the player discovers a strategy to defeat most enemies.
God of War: Chains of Olympus
On this, it begins with the gods sending Kratos to the stupid city of Attica to help the city from the invading Persian army who got pwnz by 300 SPARTAAAAAAAAANs. A retared lizard called a basilisk climbing over the city walls, Kratos chases its ass through the city. While chasing the basilisk, Kratos confronts the Persian King (not Xerxes) inside the city and uber-Pwns him. After slaughtering that basilisk he sees the sun fall from the sky in a hang-over. Following the dim remaining light, Kratos kills his way through the city of Marathon, in the black fog of Morpheus, that one guy who complains "what about me?" on Trojan War's UnScripts and Kratos pwnz him in a mano-o-mano battle. He later hears an off-key singing and wants to kill whoever was singing, but it was just his daughter he accidentally killed. He has to help a goddess named Persephone who ain't so hot, to help the God Helios sun from Atlas (that was stupid). After trying to go to the Underworld to DINE IN HELL!!!, however, the ferryman Charon says that his name isn't on the Guest List, and he hasn't made reservation, Kratos attacks Charon twice and finally kills him. Then Persephone tells him to give up his juice so he can be forgiven. Kratos then was in a torture because Persephone had a bitchy-fit for being betrayed, so Kratos gets his juice back and kills Persephone with one strike. then he passes out for no reason, and near that one sea.
God of War
The story of the first installment is of Kratos' journey to slay the ever-so-frightening-ginger-god-of-war Ares who is laying siege on Athens, but Athen cannot stop him as she is forbidden by Zeus to fight. To do this he must journey to Pandora's temple and retrieve Pandora's (or also called the uatea) Box (why not get teleported by the gods?) which is said to contain the power to kill a god (although it was created by Zeus to punish the humans, so thats another impossibility). In Pandora's temple, Kratos faces three challenges, the Challenge of Atlas, the Challenge of Poseidon ,the Challenge of Hades and the most arduous, back breaking and demoralizing of all, the challenge of Noel Edmonds. By completing each challenge the player gains a skull of one of the architect's sons(so that's a bit silly now isn't it? why choose your own sons' skulls?), which unlocks one of doors of the Rings of Pandora. After confronting Edmonds, Kratos decides to deal, unleashing the wrath of Mr Blobby, who is destroyed when Kratos blows up his brain by reading a section of Great Expectations to him. Upon completing these challenges and a small puzzle, A statue arises from the temple and places Kratos on an invisible set of cliffs called the Cliffs of Madness. After retrieving the box, Kratos is killed by Ares, who throws a pillar right though him (why not do that earlier?) and takes the box. Kratos, while in the underworld, decided to dine in hell with Leonidas and 300 SPARTAAAAAAAAAANs. However Kratos escapes Hades with the aid of the Gravedigger (who has survived even though the Temple of the Oracle has been destroyed, because he is Zeus, fuckface) and kills Ares and becomes the new God of War....
Then he drank and had sex until the next game.
God Of War II
God of War II boasts its increased number of bosses however most of these are either old or fat and old men. Either that or little boys who turn invisible and wield a slingshot. Kratos now wields 4 different weapons, along with magic (how can he carry all that junk?) and puzzles and battling is still the same as its predecessor. Kratos, now the God of War has built up an army to conquer the world and heads to Rhodes to finish the job his army has done. However he is tricked by Zeus and is killed after being severely weakened (oh yeah Kratos can beat Zeus...). He is then saved by the narrator of the game, Gaia, and is sent on a journey to seek the audience of the Sisters of Fate. Kratos encounters many Greek heroes and all are impolite, rude and loutish. All of them are unpleased to see Kratos (possibly because of body odour) and demand a battle, inevitably losing. During the journey, Kratos meets some of the Titans who each give him a magic. To cut along story short, Kratos finds the Sisters of Fate and kills them (boring stereotypical American action film style) and controls the ability to change his fate. He returns to fight Zeus and after the fight just before killing Zeus, Athena attacks him, and gets in the way and is killed instead. (Kratos could have just kicked her away instead of releasing Zeus for a bit.) Athena tells him that "All of Olympus will deny you (Kratos)" and Kratos says: 'If all on Olympus will deny me my vengeance, all on Olympus will die!!'. (SO NOT FUCKING PREDICTABLE) Kratos then seeks the aid of the Titans (by traveling through time), brings them back to his time to defeat Zeus and Olympus. (Why not just travel back to the time Athena attacks you? Or hell, why not go back in time and stop yourself from killing your family? I guess SPARTAAAAAAAAANs really are dumb.)
God of war 3 is set for release in January 2008. It will be released only on Wii(shitfull thinking) which is a massive change. it is said that Kratos goes to the future and ends the tyranny of the mysterious entity known as Rob Shneider. the characters have not been confirmed yet but it is likely that Adam Scooby Doo will guest star in a cameo playing Rob Shneiders side kick.
- He actually fucked women so hard back in ancient times they and their daughters and their daughter's daughters etc. began bleeding and became perpetually pissed at everything once a month.
- He loves Elvis, The Beatles, and Country music.
- He loves KFC.
- He can actually use the Force to totally pwn his enemies.
- Despite his angry behavior he is actually a pretty cool guy... if he doesn't just slaughter you on sight.
- He doesn't like black people.
- He has absolutely no fears.
- He is officially Bat Fuck Insane.
- He can use eye beams.
- He has only two rules for sex: No black chicks and no Asians chicks
- He could totally pwn Sora. I mean the kid fights with a giant key for god's sake.
- Surprisingly, if given the chance he will not hesitate to kill you in 0.0 nano seconds. "gasp"
- He actually participated in World War II, with the Germans.
- He has slayed more Grues, Gods, Ubergrues,Nazis Titans, Berserkers, Giant Monsters, Xenomorphs, and Bad Motherfuckers than anyone else.
- He is SO powerful and Badass that no one not even GOD of all people/deity's in the universe can stop him.