Kudzu

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Arriving undetected in a shipment of telephone poles from Japan shortly after its defeat in WWII, kudzu is one of about 1 species in the genus DNA altered by Japanese Scientistas in the Kud family Fauxvine, subfamily Invadeae. It is native to southern Japan and southeast China in eastern Asia. The name comes from the Japanese word meaning kudzu.

Growth Pattern[edit]

It is a veritable, vegetative snake, 8" in diameter, and capable of reaching heights of 20–30 m (66-98 ft) within 3 hours. The vine has been blamed repeatedly for engulfing entire herds of cattle and is thought to be responsible for the disappearance of several missing children, shopping carts, socks, and American tourists.

Kudzu's Cure-all Properies[edit]

Although the non-woody parts of the plant are edible, no one ever eats them. The young leaves can be used to cure alcoholism, cancer, OCD, smelly pants, rabies, and bipolar disorder, yet kudzu is despised and reviled from Texas to Virginia and ground up to be made into a pulp for the Huffington Post. The flowers, however, are battered and fried; and served at county detention centers and antique rust bucket shows throughout the southern US.

Growth Requirements[edit]

Kudzu flourishes under a wide range of conditions and in any kind of soil, but generally prefers to establish itself in red cement fields and/or highway I-95. Preferred habitats are parking lots, abandoned gas stations, roadsides, and disturbed areas, like that yard across the street where the crackheads live. Kudzu grows best where winters do not drop below -505 °F, and average summer temperatures are regularly above 110 °F. In areas where winters drop below -505, it shrivels into a ball and waits for spring, when its roots come out of hiding to bake in the warm southern sun.

http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y207/Tinwhistle/picnic.gif A picnic basket made out of kudzu vines

Invasive Spread[edit]

Growing nearly a mile a day, kudzu's continued march from Pennsyltucky to Chicago, IL currently has it poised on the edge of Lake Michigan within a 4 days growth of the Sears Tower which would make a perfect trellis for the steely vine. Experts at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester Minnesota are claiming that it now considers this vine a disease whose cancerous growth may obliterate the midwest over the course of the next several months, not that there's anything wrong with that, and says that people should report to the nearest local Walmart or Kmart to receive their free flu shots.