“Watch me do my crouching-tiger, hidden-dragon style.”
“Because I founded It, I have the right to change it.”
“Those cunts were fast as lightning.”
Kung-Fu is basically just Chinese break dancing.The technique to get people on the floor is that you got them so bored they fall into an irreversible coma. Besides fighting techniques, Kung-Fu comprises several philosophical concepts to enable Kung-Fu students to become stuntmen. During their 55-years long, rigorous training, adepts of Kung-Fu learn the two highly guarded secrets of Kung-Fu:
- Make their limbs swoosh dramatically with even the slightest movement.
In contrast to the rest of the world, all Chinese are born with perfect Kung-Fu skills. Before the communist revolution China's government was a duelocracy with all important matters settled with high flying, high drama fights. Important government positions were filled by people who could beat up the former holders of those positions. While the system was free from bureaucracy, corruption and excess it was hard on the furniture, walls and almost anything made of wood. During a heated debate on economic policy parliament collapsed (literally) when minister Yu Wen used his Iron Pillar Standing on Cloud attack to send vice-minister Gen Fang through the building's last load bearing wall. This led to discontent cumulating in Chairman Mao's "This is why can't we have nice things." rally in 1936.
Kung-Fu was introduced to America during the latter days of the Wild West by Kung-Fu master Kwai Chang Caine, who changed his name to "David Carradine" during his immigration proceedings. during a tragic fondue pot accident Kwai Chang Caine acquired two scars on his forearms that resembled a tiger and a dragon. This caused him a great deal of trouble as the especially stupid cowboys working for the Tiger and Dragon Ranch mistook him for an unusually lanky branded calf and attempted return him to the herd or put a big cowbell around his neck. Caine would Kung-Fu the shit out of these guys on a weekly basis for almost three seasons (and later in syndication) and, as a joke, snatch their pebbles. This plague of monk on cowboy violence eventually brought an end to the old west lifestyle. That's why you don't see too many cowboys around any more.
A dramatic kung fu film
The founder of Kung-Fu was Asia's first global Emperor, King Fu (ca. 22050-4096 B.C.), who tailored the sport and craft of Kung-Fu in order to impress American immigrants. Failing to adopt the rich complexity of Chinese language correctly, these Americans pronounced it "Kung-Fu" instead, the name still in use for it today in the major Kung-Fu-dojos of Hollywood and the White House.
What is now considered Kung Fu is a modern version of King Fu, that Chinese would be immigrants developed to get Americans and Canadians to like them enough to allow them to immigrate for other purposes than to be sent to death in railway construction with beyond hazardous working conditions. With the display of Kung Fu, white people were amused and decided that "These Chinicles are pretty cool after all!" Suddenly, the majority of White People decided that the Chinese would be included on the list of minorities to be exempt from lynchings and that they would even consider it a taboo to refer to Chinese people using racial slurs.
By the late 20th century, Kung Fu has been popularized in North American Cinema allowing Chinese people in North America to gain enough status with racists to be able to become highly successful and wealthy without any of the type of harassment or the type conspiracy theories that developed to explain the possibility of a successful Jew. Besides, as most racists put it "Who else gonna do all dem countn' stuff?".
The Legend of Zen Master Zen (unconfirmed)
The legend of "Zen Master Zen, the first master of Zen Fu, who was a master of Zen and had the title of Zen Master" is an ancient Chinese tale from the Chinese province of Zen that was originally written by monks of the Zen order on 10.000 sheets of donkey meat with their feet using the (now defunct) traditional Wing Ding scripture and for countless generations has been passed on by the traditional art of painting Panda bears.
It goes that an early master of Kung-Fu was legendary Zen master Zen, who came from India to China around 600 AD being sick of lousy curry and with desire for more shrimp-fried-rice and Chinese women. Fed up with sexual repression and those interminable behavior protocols one has to go through in order to score with Indian chicks, he found the perspective of becoming a stuntman much more appealing.
After having a dysfunctional experience with Emperor Wu's insufferable court of eunuchs, he was forced to flee to the hills. He found a cave where he proceeded to sit facing a wall for nine years. Legend has it that one day a young man named Hui Neng Fong Wai Yu So Fat Et Lon Fuk Yu Choi Buck Kum-Bum Shrimp Fried Rice approached him and demanded to be accepted as a student. At first, Zen Master Zen was not interested, as he was too engrossed in determining the future (via his advanced mental powers) -- that being, mainly, the business possibilities connected to the future of Kung-Fu. At the precise moment Zen Master Zen realized that a future incarnation of his would be the Green Hornet, and that Kato - none other than Bruce Lee himself - was to be his student, Hui Neng Fong Wai Yu So Fat Et Lon Fuk Yu Choi Buck Kum-Bum Shrimp Fried Rice suddenly chopped off his hand and threw it in Zen Master Zen's lap.
"Ah," intoned the Zen master Zen, "you have finally come! All my life I've waited for someone with such dedication!"
"Never mind," grimaced Hui Neng. "Just teach me already before I bleed to death."
Zen Master Zen set about teaching the eager young one-handed man and soon found him to be a man of immense natural talent; for example, the legend says that he knew how to scream KiYahaaaaaa! while contorting one side of his face up by heart and the sound of his voice almost never dubbed up to his lip movement. Zen Master Zen proceeded to teach him the ancient arts of combat he had learned in India. This combat actually derived from Buddhist monks fighting off India's giant malaria ridden mosquitoes. In the course of flailing at them, they soon discovered how to hit the bastards most quickly and efficiently. They learned how to make drop kicks, roundhouse kicks, side kicks, Chow Mein, wraps, sweet and sour chicken, cream of Sum Yung Guy soup and shrimp fried rice besides a plethora of other, even more secret and sinister martial art techniques.
The saga concludes that Hui Neng carried on the torch of his old master. He is prophecized to reincarnate after 1400 years under the name of Uma Thua Man, where his mission will be to kill the first guy to cross his path who is either called "Zen" or "Bill" (but not both) and transmutate to the higher level of existence as Gay Jinn afterwards.
Modern Kung-Fu as we know it today was created a few centuries later.
Similar to karate's dan (colorful belt) rankings levels of Kung-Fu training are displayed via beard. A beard ranking is expressed by both the length and whiteness of the practitioner's beard. The following beard chart explains the six beard ranks of Kung-Fu.
Some charlatans may try to pose as Kung-Fu masters or grandmasters through the usage of a false beard. If there is any doubt, tug the beard firmly. If the beard slips off the imitator will be exposed as a false Kung-Fu master and suitably punished by the authorities. If you get swiftly kicked to a bloody pulp by someone with a still firmly attached beard you can be assured that you are in the presence of a true Kung-Fu master.
The 8 (Or So) Styles of Kung-Fu
All Kung-Fu styles were developed after studying the movements of animals and have animal names. The techniques are passed down from master to master in secret manuals that consist mainly of pictures of animals. The ability to decipher a complex fighting system from animal pictures is the sign of a true master (beside the beards).
It's sort of like one of those magic eye things if they could give you the ability to tear a man's spleen out with your bare hands.
Drunken Monkey Style
Originally designed by master Hu-Flung-Pu after noticing that people fight pretty well when drunk, yet lose the ability to use all but the most basic motor skills. Using double-blind studies involving lab monkeys and alcohol Master Pu rigorously tested and refined it into the popular technique known today. This style combines the blind rage of a monkey with the blind rage of an alcoholic step dad. It's double blind nature makes it the most scientific of Kung-Fu styles. It relies mainly on agility, opposable thumbs and prehensile toes.
Instead of a standard lesson plan it is taught in a twelve step program.
There are two rival schools of thought about this Kung-Fu style. It must either be learned drunk and practiced sober or learned sober and practiced drunk depending on who you ask and how sober they are when you ask them.
Tiger Stylepervert going-to-squeeze-your-boobs attack. This has lead to overuse of the boot-to-the-groin counter attack, for which there is no defense in traditional Kung-Fu styles. The inability of many tiger style grandmasters to procreate has lead to shortage in children to inherit their father's Kung-Fu knowledge. If this trend continues Crouching Tiger Style Kung-Fu may be put on the endangered Kung-Fu list.
Crouching Tiger Style Kung-Fu relies mainly on knees and uppercuts. Also scratching and crouching as well as not fucking with the Wu Tang Clan.
This Kung-Fu style is is the only style native to Australia. Master Steve Irwin was inspired by marsupials and Australian Rules Football and decided to create a martial art out of it making it fucking hardcore. Unlike Drunken Monkey Kung-Fu, it is both learned and practiced while drunk.
As shown in the illustration to the right a common technique in Kangaroo Style Kung-Fu is to distract your opponent with a levitating camera, then sucker punching them.
Rumors of an Australian Drop Bear style of Kung-Fu have been disproved by the fact that not everyone in the world has been Kung-Fu'ed to death. Such a style, if it did exist, would be unstoppable.
Horse Stylehorseback. As you might guess, this was a colossally stupid undertaking that caused Qin horsemen to be obliterated by proper cavalry armed with the reach advantage provided by lances, swords, spears and arrows.
After the sudden fall of the Qin Dynasty the technique was refined by retired horsemen during the Han dynasty. Slowly and systematically they eliminated the technique's major shortcomings.
First, the problem of height: Attacking infantry with Horse Style Kung-Fu was difficult because you'd have to lean over to punch them, but then you'd have to let go of the bridle and the horse you were riding would roam off in a random direction, away from battle. Kicking was equally problematic . You couldn't get much acceleration since the horse between your thighs got in the way and if you kicked too hard it would take that as a signal to charge, again taking you rapidly away from the battle. Don't even get me started on head-butting problems.
Different solutions such as riding the horses in trenches, sawing your horse's legs off, riding small, thin horses and riding large dogs were tried before the horse was abandoned from Horse Style Kung-Fu entirely.
The second problem, overcoming the reach advantage of enemy swords and pole arms was solved by only starting fights with unarmed people. The first person ever to perform this magnificent trick was the man the myth the legend... Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker in the film Rush Hour 2!
The third problem, the sudden lack of horses in Horse Style Kung-Fu, was solved by wearing horse masks while training (see above diagram) and pretending that Horse Style Kung-Fu never involved horses in the first place.
Flying Bear Style
Back then Non-flying Bear Style Kung-Fu was gaining popularity because people figured "Hey, bears can slap the shit out of anyone, therefore, any bear based Kung-Fu must be good." The flaw in this theory is that bears depend primarily on being: A) very large and B) bears when they fight. Humans fighting in the style of bears faced a significant disadvantage. The missing ingredient in making Non-flying Bear Style Kung-Fu a viable fighting technique is to make up for the user's non-bear shortcomings by displaying aerial prowess in a manner opposite that of a bear, that is to say not at all.
Note that flying bare style Kung-Fu is not a recognized style by any respectable dojo, competitive organization or hidden mountain temple so keep your pants the hell on.
Famous masters of Flying Bear Style Kung-Fu are; Winnie the Pooh, Kung-Fu Panda, Baloo (from Jungle Book- You know the one, yeah, that one), that bear from Dr. Dolittle, Chuck Norris, Genghis Khan, The Rock (who is half bear), Jimmy from South Park, Every current and former member of the US Marine Corps since its founding in 238 B.C., George bush, Adam & the Ants, and Oscar Wilde. The last three will fiercely oppose this truth, don't believe them, they are sworn to secrecy by Winnie the Pooh (current chairman of the IUFBSKFGFOTW- International, Universal Flying Bear Style Kung-Fu Global Federation Of The World) Lest they face a beating from his junior subject- Anne Widdecombe, who is due to undergo her "Licensed Kung Fuist" test in August.
To-fu is a modern Kung-Fu style developed by Bruce Lee. This rare fighting style can only be learned through an exclusive set of mail order cassette tapes with diagram booklet and free Bruce Lee poster included.
By developing a fighting style that's bland but healthy, versatile and highly adaptable to it's surroundings the To-Fu master is ready for anything. With the addition of proper ingredients To-Fu can resemble other animal styles though it's lack of solidity gives it away as an ersatz replacement.
A student who masters all of the techniques, To-Fu being the last and most difficult, is given the title of "Royal Lard of the Chinese Empire" during a ceremony staged by a complete Bollywood movie cast, this guy and five Million donkeys with typewriters singing the national anthem of the People's Republic of China. He is then allowed to wear full Kung-Fu master regalia including a Safran-colored Chinese Cheese and a T-shirt of Bob.
Obligatory Uncyclopedia References for Articles of This Type
what is up Jackie Chan?
American Kung Fu