Kurt Cocaine (Naples, 20 February 1967 - Casal di Principe, 11 April 2004), was known for his witty aphorisms and philosophical insights which have led many to credit him as one of the founders of post modern suicidal depressionism.
He would also play guitar in a band whose music had nothing to do with all the suicides which were going on around that time. Probably.
Before Cobain's Birth (while inhabiting the uterus), he began playing and experimenting using a guitar which has been passed to him by his mother (Wendy Cobain). As guitars are not commonly sold fetus-size, Wendy ordered a custom-crafted micro-guitar at a length of 2 1/2 cm by Cara Hot Rod Guitars in California and promptly inserted it when it arrived in the post. Since no-one outside of Wendy's uterus was able to hear his first song, it unfortunately failed to chart beginning a pattern of depression which would continue through his life, and the lives of his followers after he died.
Kurt was born some time during the 1960s, which is lucky because he wouldn't have been very good in a war situation. He was birthed by Dr. Dylan Carlson, a young intern, via Ceasarian section. Cobain later recounted his experience in an interview held by young journalist, John Howard. "I wished she would throw down her umbilical noose so I could climb right back." he remarked.
Cocaine's childhood was a happy one, complete with a mother, father, puppy dog, and a white picket fence. As a child, Cocaine was heralded as a honor student, one who never committed crimes or, heaven forbid, dropped out of high school. He was also incredibly friendly and outgoing, telling his friends to "Come as you are" to his house. He also liked to play board games like Monopoly, Scrabble, and Twenty Questions. With adolescence, Cocaine began to experiment with teenage girl deodorants and heroin. His parents, upon discovering his tendency to smell like sunshine and rainbows, scolded him so badly that he left his home and slept under a bridge. He was a heavy red-meat eater, and occasionally ate small children if they ventured too close to his bridge.
Kurt was famous for his happy-go-lucky attitude to life. He had an easy, peaceful and stable childhood, which may have accounted for his ongoing belief that things would always work out in the end. He was also an incredibly healthy man, aided by the discovery of a beneficent elixir, formulated by Cocaine himself, which he used as a health supplement throughout his life.
It is well known that LSD influenced much of Cocaine's food serving techniques and wine recommendations. Some signature dishes, "Polly" and "Pennyroyal Tea" were inspired by his many trips. Kurt Cobain played his guitar so badly in his restaurant, that even if he had strings tuned the correct mathematical proportions by Pythagoras, he would still manage to make a racket.
On March 31, 2004, Kurt Cocaine, wondering what powered a car, beed a fool and put his mouth around his car's exhaust pipe. He inhaled 4 hours worth of airy gasoline and mostly carbon monoxide.
On April 5, 2004, Cocaine complained about an injury in his heart to his mother, and, when his condition just kept getting worse, was rushed to the hospital and slipped into a coma on April 7, 2004. He woke from the coma on April 9, 2004, but ended up dying from pneumonia two days later.
His funeral was held on April 17, 2004. His dad eulogized the funeral. He will always be remembered for his friendship with Nirvana, who still make music to this day posthumously. As of 2005, Kurt Cocaine's brother, John Cocaine (b. December 5, 1972), is the new lead singer of Nirvana, and surprisingly, he sounds EXACTLY like Kurt Cocaine! So nobody will even notice the difference Lol!
Important advice: Never stick your mouth in an exhaust pipe kiddies! That shit'll kill ya within a week and a half!
Aftershock of his Death
At the time of his death in 2004, millions of high school girls around the world (who were huge fans of his now-famous "Uncle Kurt's Half-Baked Hash-Cakes") skipped school to recover from the loss of their culinary idol. At the same time, high school boys thought that since the girls would be thinking less about Kurt, they might actually get laid.
By 2005, people started incorrectly believing that Cocaine committed suicide 10 years earlier, in 1994, probably having not met the guy ever since.
But it was still confirmed that he died in Riverside Methodist Hospital of a pneumonia attack from carbon monoxide poisoning, in April 2004.
A Canadian cult has created a religion that they call "Cocaineism". It has been said that the "cult" began somewhere near Odessa, Ontario. Members of this religion spend their days worshipping Kurt from closet effigies/shrines. To this day, he is known by the name The Incredible Sulk.